Luci002 Member Profile

...See more English is not my native language, I am from the Czech republic. I am 21F, my name is Luci. My whole life, constantly there is something going on. Which is just how life is I guess but for some reason I have been in this weird mood lately where I keep going back to the things that has happened and thinking about them constantly. I feel like I didn't really enjoy my childhood and I never got a break from stress. When I was 3 years old I had a loud firecracker thrown near me while I was playing in a sandbox by our pretty much evil neighbor. I went partially deaf for some time and still feel pain now that I am 21. I fully stopped talking for a few years after that. Didn't go to therapy. My dad was constantly arguing or fistfighting with said neighbor. The neighbor poisoned our apple trees, grass, threw glass on our lawn, etc. When I was 4 my brother performed oral s.ex on me while we showered together. When I was still around that age I saw the neighbor watching me shower a few times (he has climbed over his fence on top of our shed, so he saw me through the window). When I was in elementary school my parents basically forced me to taky extracurricular classes on piano, aikido, pottery, dance, music history and orchestra. I was taking all of those between the ages 6-15 and cried literally every single time I was supposed to go there, begged my teachers to tell my parents I was sick so I wouldn't have to go, because I literally hated them. Had no time for myself, was bad at all of them, had mean teachers and all that. When I was 11 I peed myself in class because I was too anxious to raise my hand to go to the bathroom, ever since then I was bullied (I was considered weird before already due to not talking for some time). My dad forced me to have long hair and only let me cut it when I was 16, then stopped speaking to me for some time. Between the ages 12-18 I was sex.ually active with men 2-4 times my age (35-50), it had to be over 10-20 men in total, several times I was forced to do things even though I cried I didn't want to. When I was 12 I started self.harming and eventually seeing a therapist. Went to a mental hospital at the age of 15, where I was bullied by the nurses and some of the kids. When I was 13 kids from my class took pictures of me changing into gym clothes and printed out and posted the pictures around the schools, of me in my underwear. Often they would yell at me to ki.ll myself if I met them outside of school. When I was 16 I over.dosed on sleeping pills while I was living in the dorm, the supervisor called my parents because I kept passing out. I don't remember anything except for passing out literally every minute or so while my parents tried to get me in the car. They drove me to a hospital, my kidneys stopped working, I slept for a few days. I told them I only took one more pill on accident because I forgot i already took one. For some reason they believed me (the nurses, not my parents) and tried to convince my parents that's what happened. I never told anyone I did actually overdose, I know I took 10 pills at least, probably more. When I was 17 I had to stop going to high school and had to switch schools because I was constantly sick and wouldn't sleep for days (it ended up being psychosomatic, who would have thought). When I was 18 my dad caused me to have a panic attack in the car by screaming while driving and speeding (he was driving 110km/h on a 50km/h road) while we drove through small roads at midnight (leaving a family gathering, they live in a tiny village). He didn't stop, he sped up. My mom decided to move out and divorce him. It still hasn't happened, we still live together and they are still not divorced (she said he changed). I refused to stay home because I was scared he would ki.ll us if I fell asleep (he never really hurt us, I just didn't feel safe), we went to grandma's and he blocked mom's credit card which forced us to come back. My mom started drinking heavily. I had several break downs because of that and was forced to basically fix everything after mom (she would leave the gas stove on and stuff like that). This year in January I left to go to my brother's place for the weekend. My mom called me telling me she would ki.ll herself. We had to drive all the way back home (over an hour), called 911. I came back to vomit, alcohol and crumbs in my bed where mom was apparently going to ki.ll herself. She went to rehab for three months, leaving me with dad. I had to take care of the two family houses we own (one is being rebuilt by dad), two gardens, a dog, was going to school, working after school and was in charge of all the cleaning and cooking. They forgot my birthday, then said they would make it up to me with a cool *** gift. I got a $1 pillow. (I have too many pillows already and they left the price tag on) They get annoyed and grumpy when I am sad, complain when I sleep until 8-9am since I am "sleeping all the time", don't like when I stay in my room, push me to do things I don't want to do, never ask me "are you better?" When I am sick or "what's wrong?" When I don't feel like myself, I feel like they literally do not care and only feel annoyed when I am sad. I opened up the sexual trauma with my therapist a few weeks ago. I feel so embarrassed. I have never talked about it before. There is so much going on, so much happening. My therapist told me he was disappointed in me recently. He apologized when I told him it hurt me but I can't stop thinking about it. I have never had a friend except for my current friend who literally lives across the world, I have been lonely my whole life and I am just so tired. I have no motivation, I want to cry and do nothing all day long. I don't want to work, I don't want to study or do anything else.

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