I was sexually active with men twice my age when I was a teen. I never told anyone and it hugely affected me. I really need to talk about it
My name Is Luci, I am 21 and I am from the Czech republic.
Two weeks ago I went to talk to my therapist and brought up there's a topic I haven't spoken with him about yet. I have been going to a therapist since I was 12 (self harm, depression, social anxiety, ocd). Changed like 5 different therapists and have been going to my current one for the past 3 years or so. I am 21 now. It's extremely hard for me to talk about this and admit I did something like this.. I have been thinking about it non stop though for the past few weeks and at this point I can't even sleep because of it.
When I was around 13 a man texted me asking to meet in real life. He was around 40-45. He straight up said he wants to do sexual stuff, he knew how old I was. I said yes, he came to pick me up and drove me somewhere, we did some sexual stuff in a car and he drove me back. I don't even know why I said yes. I wasn't thinking straight, I was stupid. I had extremely low self esteem. Maybe I just craved attention/affection? I don't know.
More guys texted me over time. It's easy to get hit on being a young girl, at least where I am from. They all knew my age, they all wanted to do sexual stuff and I always said yes. Every time it was a different man. I met up with up to 10 men I think, all 20 years older than me at the minimum. Usually between the ages 35-45. I was 13-16 while this was happening. Some guys even paid me for it. Some met me at night or after midnight. I didn't once think "I shouldn't be doing this". I felt numb, didn't feel anything while it was happening. It was as if I wasn't even there, but I was. Some wanted to do bdsm. Some liked to hurt me physically or emotionally, or both. Some met up with me more than once.
I hate myself for it. I shouldn't have done that. Obviously. I don't know how to deal with the fact I did it. I feel like no man I have met treated me right. Or even just normally. My dad doesn't have a very good relationship with me, neither does my brother. I have no male friends. I have never talked to a guy. I was bullied in elementary/high school, mostly by guys. At one point they took pictures of me while I had my clothes off in a gym changing room (I didn't know they were there) and printed them out and put them on the boards in the school hallways.
Every man I meet now makes me feel uneasy. I always expect them to want to do something sexual with me. I have never had an actual boyfriend because of that. I don't trust men and it's my own fault. I do realize that. But I don't know how to fix it or if it's even possible. I don't feel good when a man compliments me, I get uneasy and feel very uncomfortable. I don't even think I am worth having a relationship with at this point.
@Luci002
Hi, Luci. I am WorkingitThrough2, and it is very brave and courageous of you to reach out and tell your truth. I commend you for that. First, let me tell you that this is not your fault. There had to be a lack of bonding going on at home that made you feel abandoned, and you said you had low self-esteem. These are usually traits that the family's parents help us to establish growing up. When self-validation needs are not exercised, we develop low self-esteem. I am not blaming your parents or anything, but they are the foundation of their children's growth. This then causes the child not to know their worth or not to recognize their worth, and then we begin to look for that validation from whatever source makes us feel we are worthy of love and attention. Which most times always leads us on an unhealthy road for self-validation from others whose intent may not be good, which is what has happened to you. Sometimes, things like this take a while to surface. You said you have been with your new therapist for three years and have not spoken about this. Maybe as you have been in therapy, you all have hit something that has caused all these memories to begin to torment you. Secretes have a way of keeping us trapped. Once you are able to tell that secret, you will begin to cause that tormenting memory to cease having control over you.
May I ask if you feel safe when you are in therapy with the male therapist? Not feeling safe, and since the abusers were male, I think you have a resistance to show or talk about those kinds of personal issues. Your experiences have laid the foundation for trust issues, which is very understandable. Do you have a female friend that you might confide in? If not, we here at 7cups offer a one-on-one chat with a Listener, and you can pick to speak to a female Listener who is able to talk to Trauma victims. You may also post to this thread, and others will come and support you.
I would love to be your Listener, but I am only a member, and we are unable to do one one-on-one hope this is not too long. It has been my pleasure to be here with you, and I wish you total healing on your journey,❤️😊 chats. PS...Be gentle with yourself. We have all done things that we are not proud of. Stay safe, I am proud of you❤️
It was 100% not your fault. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope you find the support and healing you need to improve your self-esteem, to start feeling your feelings, and to find people who treat you with respect.
