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LunaStellar8
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts11 Forum posts7 Forum upvotes8 Current upvotes8 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2022 Member sinceSeptember 13, 2021
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A reoccurring struggle in my friendship...
Relationship Stress / by LunaStellar8
Last post
 January 30th, 2022
...See more This is very lengthy, if you make it through, thank you I really appreciate it. My friend has severe anxiety and OCD, which both have latched onto our friendship, as he has told me. To begin this was no issue to me, as I have had similar struggles in my previous friendships, but I worked long and hard to recover and grow to move past that, and I have been able to reach a place where I am stable and confident in my relationships- I still work hard with myself to maintain that healthy mindset. Of course, as his friend, I am just here to love him and help him regardless, but having firsthand experience of what he's struggling with here, I can empathize with him as well and have a better understanding to be here for him and do what I can. Over time though, over the course of two years, I have to admit I have started to struggle here. It often feels like I am not my own person with wants and thoughts/feelings that have weight and mean something. Whenever I try to make plans or suggest we do something together, every time for 2 years without fail I am met with "we don't have to. you probably don't want to do that with me, I don't want to force you to do something you don't want to do." Even after reassuring him that I brought it up because it's something I want to do, I am still met with the same response. Sometimes it gets to me so much, it feels like he will never see me as someone who does things because I want to do them. It feels like he sees me as if my every action for 2 years has just been to appease and cater to him and as if I've never done anything because I want to. Even after we hang out I tell him that I had a lot of fun and I'm extremely happy we got together and can't wait to hang out again, he goes right into a rant about how he is sorry for "forcing" me to do things. I spent so long becoming confident enough to express my wants and feelings and take initiative, that I think it hits a nerve sometimes even though I know I shouldn't take it personally. I'd like to clarify, this isn't something that just happens only after we hang out. This happens literally every day without fail. Every day, for over 2 years, I receive messages saying he is forcing me to do things, that I am not doing the things I want, constantly assuming my feelings and telling me how I feel, telling me that I feel like shit because of him when that really wasn't true- and every day for 2 years, my words, my reassurances have only gone in one of his ears and out the other. He tells me that he has a really hard time in this friendship because of his mental health struggles, that a lot of the time he is miserable. That breaks my heart because of course I want him to be happy, and I've been there before and I am truly here for him. But every time I tell him I am here for him and I am here to help and support however I can, he says that he would never ever accept my help because he thinks it would be "disgusting' and "gross" for him to even think about getting my help and he says "I don't want to do that to you."- Even when I reassure him that I want to be here for him and I love and care about him so I want to do what I can for him; once again, my wants are made out to be something that isn't my own. I know it's not easy to ask for help, it's hard as hell to be that vulnerable. But it has been 2 years and he shows no sign of ever allowing vulnerability in our friendship, he has blatantly told me that is just not something he wants to do and he used to be more vulnerable with me but over the past year, he says he has tried to stop being vulnerable with me. We have essentially gone backwards. In my perspective, vulnerability is a key factor to a strong and healthy relationship of any kind, so that's really important to me. I know it's difficult so I have always been willing to wait and support, but it's different now because it seems as if there's not even going to be an attempt in effort from his side, as he's literally been eliminating his vulnerability best of his ability. My relationships used to be plagued with my mental state and I struggled a lot through them, I created difficult situations for those around me as well, but I worked so hard to get past that and I am growing. I am still growing, in my relationships but also in my life- but somehow this friendship makes me feel guilty for growing as if I should be staying behind and slowing myself down. The worst part is it's practically muscle memory now for me to deny that I am unhappy, deny that I need a break, or deny that I don't think I can do this anymore. I don't even know if I'm truly unhappy, or need a break or an end because I never give my brain enough time to think about it, I just deny it every time he mentions any of it - because I feel like I'd just be confirming all the anxieties he's expressed to me and it scares me to think I could let him down like that this far in I love my friend endlessly, but maybe I am not what he needs right now and maybe he is not what I need right now. This could be one of those "right person at the wrong time" situations? I don't know I am so lost and I literally feel like an asshole for some reason
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Friendship Struggles
Relationship Stress / by LunaStellar8
Last post
 October 19th, 2021
...See more Hi friends, just here looking for new perspectives on some friendship struggles in having, so I’d love to hear any opinions… (This is long so I apologize in advance and truly appreciate it if you make it all the way through!) I have a best friend who struggles with anxiety and OCD. Both his anxiety and OCD have attached themselves on to our friendship and revolve around it now, this he told me himself. A few things this translates as: he has severe separation anxiety with me, he gets jealous very easily, he thinks every small problem is a sign our friendship is doomed, he thinks I am ready to leave and replace him at any point in time, he projects his own negative self view onto me and makes it out to be as if I also feel negatively about him. Lately my main struggle has been with the fact he decides what he thinks is best for me and assumes how I feel and tries to act on those assumptions and conclusions without even asking what I actually feel. This kind of thing has been happening throughout our whole friendship for well over a year now, but has gotten worse recently. For example: he likes to send me a lot of text messages, something that has never been a problem to me because I really enjoy texting people who truly talk to me and not just send trivial messages, I’ve expressed to him on multiple occasions for over a year now (and almost every day for a month now) that it makes me happy that he sends as many texts as he does. But even when I express my feelings blatantly he decides on his own that it is annoying to me and he says things like “I know it’s a problem how much I text so I will try to stop and limit myself so that you can be happy”. And even when I reassure him it’s okay and I am happy, I can never seem to break through. This back and forth has become a common theme within many aspects of our friendship. I have expressed that I don’t feel good when my feelings are assumed and when he makes conclusions, especially after I have blatantly told him my actual feelings and he still goes off of his assumptions. I expressed it makes me feel invalidated, as if my feelings don’t matter because they will be decided by him anyways, and as if I have to fight to have my feelings to be heard. He hates that he assumes my feelings and says he is trying to stop doing it because he knows I don’t like it, but he says it’s part of his mental illnesses and he knows that isn’t an excuse and he wants to fix it. So I wait because I know he has good intentions and doesn’t want to do things that hurt me. But it does get hard when it keeps happening again and again, and I can’t tell if that makes me an asshole that I’m struggling with it, because I know he is truly struggling as well. Theres so many more aspects of things that are jumbled up in my brain, but I’ll leave this one here for now. I really appreciate any new perspectives that anyone has to give, I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about this to see other sides, so all I’ve seen is my perspective and I think it might be a little skewed at this point.
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