A reoccurring struggle in my friendship...
This is very lengthy, if you make it through, thank you I really appreciate it.
My friend has severe anxiety and OCD, which both have latched onto our friendship, as he has told me. To begin this was no issue to me, as I have had similar struggles in my previous friendships, but I worked long and hard to recover and grow to move past that, and I have been able to reach a place where I am stable and confident in my relationships- I still work hard with myself to maintain that healthy mindset. Of course, as his friend, I am just here to love him and help him regardless, but having firsthand experience of what he's struggling with here, I can empathize with him as well and have a better understanding to be here for him and do what I can.
Over time though, over the course of two years, I have to admit I have started to struggle here.
It often feels like I am not my own person with wants and thoughts/feelings that have weight and mean something. Whenever I try to make plans or suggest we do something together, every time for 2 years without fail I am met with "we don't have to. you probably don't want to do that with me, I don't want to force you to do something you don't want to do." Even after reassuring him that I brought it up because it's something I want to do, I am still met with the same response.
Sometimes it gets to me so much, it feels like he will never see me as someone who does things because I want to do them. It feels like he sees me as if my every action for 2 years has just been to appease and cater to him and as if I've never done anything because I want to. Even after we hang out I tell him that I had a lot of fun and I'm extremely happy we got together and can't wait to hang out again, he goes right into a rant about how he is sorry for "forcing" me to do things. I spent so long becoming confident enough to express my wants and feelings and take initiative, that I think it hits a nerve sometimes even though I know I shouldn't take it personally.
I'd like to clarify, this isn't something that just happens only after we hang out. This happens literally every day without fail. Every day, for over 2 years, I receive messages saying he is forcing me to do things, that I am not doing the things I want, constantly assuming my feelings and telling me how I feel, telling me that I feel like shit because of him when that really wasn't true- and every day for 2 years, my words, my reassurances have only gone in one of his ears and out the other.
He tells me that he has a really hard time in this friendship because of his mental health struggles, that a lot of the time he is miserable. That breaks my heart because of course I want him to be happy, and I've been there before and I am truly here for him. But every time I tell him I am here for him and I am here to help and support however I can, he says that he would never ever accept my help because he thinks it would be "disgusting' and "gross" for him to even think about getting my help and he says "I don't want to do that to you."- Even when I reassure him that I want to be here for him and I love and care about him so I want to do what I can for him; once again, my wants are made out to be something that isn't my own.
I know it's not easy to ask for help, it's hard as hell to be that vulnerable. But it has been 2 years and he shows no sign of ever allowing vulnerability in our friendship, he has blatantly told me that is just not something he wants to do and he used to be more vulnerable with me but over the past year, he says he has tried to stop being vulnerable with me. We have essentially gone backwards. In my perspective, vulnerability is a key factor to a strong and healthy relationship of any kind, so that's really important to me. I know it's difficult so I have always been willing to wait and support, but it's different now because it seems as if there's not even going to be an attempt in effort from his side, as he's literally been eliminating his vulnerability best of his ability.
My relationships used to be plagued with my mental state and I struggled a lot through them, I created difficult situations for those around me as well, but I worked so hard to get past that and I am growing. I am still growing, in my relationships but also in my life- but somehow this friendship makes me feel guilty for growing as if I should be staying behind and slowing myself down.
The worst part is it's practically muscle memory now for me to deny that I am unhappy, deny that I need a break, or deny that I don't think I can do this anymore. I don't even know if I'm truly unhappy, or need a break or an end because I never give my brain enough time to think about it, I just deny it every time he mentions any of it - because I feel like I'd just be confirming all the anxieties he's expressed to me and it scares me to think I could let him down like that this far in
I love my friend endlessly, but maybe I am not what he needs right now and maybe he is not what I need right now. This could be one of those "right person at the wrong time" situations? I don't know I am so lost and I literally feel like an asshole for some reason
@LunaStellar8, it sounds like you and your friend have gone through a lot and that is okay! Have you sat down with him and explained how it makes you feel when he says that you don't have to if you don't want to? He may not be recognizing what is going on
Unfortunately, I have on several occasions, and it just ends up sending him into a mess of panic and he starts thinking I hate him and that I'm miserable being around him. I get apologies, but nothing changes and there's really not effort from him to change those things.
I can't ever express my feelings without him simply panicking and shutting down and just flooding me with endless apologies instead of actually communicating with me.
@LunaStellar8 hey there, it's really nice to meet you :) <3 it sounds like you care about your friend so much and i think it's so very sweet of you to continue to be there for him for the past 2 years. and every day, too ! i can definitely see how this would start to take a toll on your own mental health, though.
sometimes we wanna help the people we care about as much as we possibly can-- we just want them to be okay. or we may just want to help anybody in that case and it can be easy to do at first. however, it can start to become so overwhelming after awhile to repeat this everyday without feeling like you have any sort of breaks.
keep in mind that if you ever feel drained or like you need a break, this is *not* something to shame yourself for and this is completely valid. you've put so much time and effort into making sure your friend knows you want to be his friend and that you do want to hang out with him; i know it must be stressful at times when he doesn't believe you and i'd feel the exact same way if i were in your position.
everybody needs breaks sometimes <3 breaks are so so important when we feel drained and making sure you take care of yourself first is important ! you mentioned that you aren't really sure of how you're feeling anymore about a lot of things because of denying stress for so long, and this can be something that happens due to burnout :) however, when you practice accepting your feelings for what they are and recognizing that they could possibly be there, and when you take action because of this, it'll be a lot easier to know what you're feeling.
if you ever feel the need to take a break from your friendship, this is completely understandable. your friend seems so very sweet and a good person as well, but it's important to remember that *you* need some care as well. you should never have to ignore your feelings or feel the need to <3 you deserve so much love and support, too ! and your friend is not the only one in need of these things. so if you need to take a break, it's okay to tell him ! and while it not be easy, you can only really hope that he'll be able to understand someday and if you want to ever come back to your friendship, let him know about that as well if that will help to reassure him. you may need some time for yourself to recharge-- everybody needs that :)
i hope things work out for you and your friend ! wishing the best of luck to you <3
Thank you for your reply.
Something like caring for myself, and giving myself the love and respect I deserve, sounds so simple- but I forget all the time. It's nice to be reminded that my mental state is a priority as well, as I often lose sight of that.
I am going to try and stop denying my feelings and just take them as they are so I can properly work through them, I think that will help me grow a lot, and it's something my friend should be able to support me in if he's truly there for me.
Thank you again ♡
absolutely <3 you are right about that and i wish you the best with this situation you’re in. caring for yourself and giving yourself love may take some time to get used to, for sure. but you got this :)