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MrsMoonlight
928 M Little Steps 1
PathStep 8 Compassion hearts29 Forum posts3 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2023 Member sinceSeptember 17, 2016
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Birthday Blues
Depression Support / by MrsMoonlight
Last post
 May 15th, 2018
...See more My birthday used to be my favorite day a year, other than Christmas. Now I really hate it. Everyone expects me to be joyful and have fun but all I could think of today was how I deserve to feel miserable because I'm garbage. Most of my friends, even close friends, forgot my birthday, and my family didn't care much either. It was like a regular sunday, only difference my mom prepared (kind of unwillingly) a meal I like. It was her birthday too, so I can't blame her much for not wanting to cook me anything, but I tried to make his day a good one for her and she didn't seem to care. I know she didn't have fun today either and everyone blames how crappy this day was on my attitude, and that only makes me feel more guilty and more ridiculous for feeling bad that most people didn't try to do something nice for me. I ruined my mom's birthday with my depression, why would I deserve people do something nice for me? The only thing that makes me feel a little less guilty, is that I know my mom has a lot of friends who want to celebrate with her, so probably our birthday is less important and she will have fun with her friends in the following days. The "bright" side is that I'm pretty sure I'm getting what I deserve. I often annoy people around me, even when I try hard not to, and I know I am a burden to almost everyone. I don't think I deserve anything nice today, but still, I'd like it if things were different.
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Depression is ruining my relationship, my boyfriend barely understands my depression.
Depression Support / by MrsMoonlight
Last post
 May 9th, 2018
...See more I've been in a relationship for 1 year and 5 months now, and have been suffering from depression for almost three years. My boyfriend is a really sweet guy, kind and loving, but I told him I had depression only five months ago. I know being in a relationship with a depressed person can be very challenging, so I made very clear that if he didn't want or didn't think he could do it, I would understand and we could break up. At the moment he refused to break up and told me he loved me and he would be there for me and that he would never break up with me for something like that. The last few months, however, have been rather difficult. He has insisted that I talk to him whenever I need to, and for a while that was hard to do because I've never shared my depression with anyone. Him and the people in online forums like this are the only people who know, but I've tried really hard to be open with him. The thing is, he doesn't know or understand depression, so it usually goes something like this: -If I tell him I feel sad, he says: "try to be positive, look at the bright side" -If I tell him I feel like I'm annoying everyone else and people dislike me, he says: "well, try to think before you speak, that could help" (which kinda confirms that I am annoying everyone else and people dislike me) But he insists that I'm open with him and he'll be supportive. I don't think he has ill intentions, I think he's being supportive in the same way you would support someone who is just sad about something and will feel better in a while. He doesn't understand how complex depression is, and how the things he says will make most depressed people feel more guilty and more worthless. I had also told him a while ago that it would make me feel a lot better if he was more loving, you know, unexpected hugs or kisses, because it really helps me and when I feel down I can't even ask for a hug... but he doesn't even do that. He does hug me and kiss me, but not when I'm sad. I never tell him I feel depressed, but sometimes even our friends notice (we're in college together and we share a group of friends), yet he never tries to cheer me up unless I specifically ask him to, which ends up making me feel needy and stupid. Once I asked him to read about depression so he could understand it better, but he never did. I often wish I had never shared this with him because ever since I did, we argue more or things feel tense, and part of the problem is that I don't hide depression from him as much as I did and he doesn't know how to deal with it. Before I told him, we never got into fights, and now we argue often. What really hurts me is that everytime we have a problem (that is in one way or another linked to my depression) he always thinks about breaking up. About a week ago, I talked to him about how I didn't feel supported, and he said that he really loved me but he felt he wasn't a good boyfriend and that we should break up. That really hurt because it seemed like he was just running off from problems and not trying to fix them. I explained it isn't his fault and that depression (possibly) started as a side effect of a medication for migrain and it just stuck with me after I left those pills, but I understand if he wanted to break up. He didn't know I once took medication, so it kinda opened his eyes and he understood it wasn't his fault. He also promised to read about depression and asked for another opportunity. We are still together, and I believe he does love me, he has already started to read about depression, but everything still feels weird. I feel like it isn't true when he says "he loves more than everything and would do anything for me". Maybe he cares, but I don't think he cares that much. I feel next time I have a problem, he's gonna feel bad again and just leave. I really think we won't be together for too long because he's still not very good at supporting a depressed person -things have to get really, really bad for him to notice something's wrong- and that will maybe cause the same problems in the future. What should I do now? PD. Sorry if this is too long, I guess I wanted to vent. Thank you if you read everything :3 TL;DR: My boyfriend didn't understood my depression and that was causing many issues in the relationship, now he is trying, but it feels like it won't work and he'll want (again) to break up soon.
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