Depression is ruining my relationship, my boyfriend barely understands my depression.
I've been in a relationship for 1 year and 5 months now, and have been suffering from depression for almost three years. My boyfriend is a really sweet guy, kind and loving, but I told him I had depression only five months ago. I know being in a relationship with a depressed person can be very challenging, so I made very clear that if he didn't want or didn't think he could do it, I would understand and we could break up. At the moment he refused to break up and told me he loved me and he would be there for me and that he would never break up with me for something like that. The last few months, however, have been rather difficult. He has insisted that I talk to him whenever I need to, and for a while that was hard to do because I've never shared my depression with anyone. Him and the people in online forums like this are the only people who know, but I've tried really hard to be open with him. The thing is, he doesn't know or understand depression, so it usually goes something like this:
-If I tell him I feel sad, he says: "try to be positive, look at the bright side"
-If I tell him I feel like I'm annoying everyone else and people dislike me, he says: "well, try to think before you speak, that could help" (which kinda confirms that I am annoying everyone else and people dislike me)
But he insists that I'm open with him and he'll be supportive. I don't think he has ill intentions, I think he's being supportive in the same way you would support someone who is just sad about something and will feel better in a while. He doesn't understand how complex depression is, and how the things he says will make most depressed people feel more guilty and more worthless. I had also told him a while ago that it would make me feel a lot better if he was more loving, you know, unexpected hugs or kisses, because it really helps me and when I feel down I can't even ask for a hug... but he doesn't even do that. He does hug me and kiss me, but not when I'm sad. I never tell him I feel depressed, but sometimes even our friends notice (we're in college together and we share a group of friends), yet he never tries to cheer me up unless I specifically ask him to, which ends up making me feel needy and stupid.
Once I asked him to read about depression so he could understand it better, but he never did. I often wish I had never shared this with him because ever since I did, we argue more or things feel tense, and part of the problem is that I don't hide depression from him as much as I did and he doesn't know how to deal with it. Before I told him, we never got into fights, and now we argue often. What really hurts me is that everytime we have a problem (that is in one way or another linked to my depression) he always thinks about breaking up.
About a week ago, I talked to him about how I didn't feel supported, and he said that he really loved me but he felt he wasn't a good boyfriend and that we should break up. That really hurt because it seemed like he was just running off from problems and not trying to fix them. I explained it isn't his fault and that depression (possibly) started as a side effect of a medication for migrain and it just stuck with me after I left those pills, but I understand if he wanted to break up. He didn't know I once took medication, so it kinda opened his eyes and he understood it wasn't his fault. He also promised to read about depression and asked for another opportunity.
We are still together, and I believe he does love me, he has already started to read about depression, but everything still feels weird. I feel like it isn't true when he says "he loves more than everything and would do anything for me". Maybe he cares, but I don't think he cares that much. I feel next time I have a problem, he's gonna feel bad again and just leave. I really think we won't be together for too long because he's still not very good at supporting a depressed person -things have to get really, really bad for him to notice something's wrong- and that will maybe cause the same problems in the future.
What should I do now?
PD. Sorry if this is too long, I guess I wanted to vent. Thank you if you read everything :3
TL;DR: My boyfriend didn't understood my depression and that was causing many issues in the relationship, now he is trying, but it feels like it won't work and he'll want (again) to break up soon.
@MrsMoonlight
I don't know your boyfriend, but from what I'm seeing here, it's almost like he's acting as if your depression is a fault of yours. And to make it clear- Depression is not your fault. I just want to remind you of that.
I think that he definitely doesn't know how to respond to someone with depression. I know it is hard when you're in a relationship, but he should be trying harder. You deserve the best partner. You deserve someone who will try their hardest to make you feel better.
It's really not nice of him to just suggest breaking up whenever you argue. In relationships, arguement are bound to happen, but that's just a part of the relationship. You talk about it and mend it. Suggesting breaking up every time you argue or get depressed is kind of immature on his part, but that's my opinion.
If he still doesn't get any better, you might want to reconsider how much he's giving to you in your relationship. Is it balanced? Do both you and him give equal amount of support to one another, or do you find yourself struggling to get him to help? Does he listen?
Basically, I think you should just determine how good of a boyfriend he really is for you. And be totally honest with yourself about it. I hope you figure it out.
@FranklyMaple
It's been only a week since we talked about the issue more openly. I think that he got to understand many things that day, and he has apologized for suggesting breaking up and for not being more supportive before. He says he has been reading about depression and that it has helped him understand and learn many things about it. I hope he really means it. Right now, I'm giving our relationship a chance, but I agree with what you said, and if he really can't deal with this, breaking up might the best. I don't want my problem to be too much for him and making him feel depressed too, and I certainly don't want a partner that cannot be supportive. He is a really good person, but yes, it might be for the best. I'll see how things keep going.
Thank you very much for reading that super long thread 
I really appreciate it. Have a wonderful night/day!
@MrsMoonlight
I'm glad he's committing more. Hopefully he stays true to his word! And you're welcome, you have a nice day as well! Take care of yourself! :)
@MrsMoonlight
Thank you for sharing with us! I agree with @FranklyMaple 's very well-written response. I have been in similar situations where I try to explain that mental illness really affects me and that it frequently gets in the way of relationships, and people always insist they don't mind. I think it's because of two things, mainly:
1. There isn't enough education and awareness surrounding mental illness.
2. People are worried about looking like jerks if they reject someone because of the state of their mental health.
If people knew more about depression, they would be able to make a decision based on knowledge instead of the fear of violating social norms.
I really do wish you the best.
@MrsMoonlight
I went through a similar situation with my fiancee, we started dating before my depression got severe. It was very stressful for him because all of a sudden I was a different person and he wanted very badly to help. It took time, but I eventually convinced him that he doesn't have to try and fix me. I share literature about depression with him, we talk openly about how it affects me, and he often comes with me when I visit the doctor about it.
Relationships are such a complicated thing so I have no idea if it would work the same for you, but I'd reccommend sharing as much as you can with him. Explain how it's not just a matter of seeing things differently, but rather a chemical change in your brain, it's like a physical injury in a lot of ways. Having your significant other at doctor's appointments can be beneficial in more than one way as well; it helps him to understand more about the problem plus he can help provide the doctor with insight on your behaviour (because let's be honest, everyone downplays things to their doctor sometimes).
It's understandable that he might feel like running away from it, mental illness isn't what he signed up for. I would gently remind him that you are in the same boat; you didn't ask for it either and it isn't your fault that it happened.