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NanoWriter13
12,527 M Pacing Forward 7
PathStep 10 Compassion hearts370 Forum posts13 Forum upvotes16 Current upvotes16 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2021 Member sinceNovember 13, 2017
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Feeling so hopeless.
Depression Support / by NanoWriter13
Last post
 April 7th, 2020
...See more I quit my full-time job to get training for a better job. What was supposed to be 1 1/2 years is going to be 2+ years because I just bombed at my internship. Maybe it's 100% because I'm incapable and should just go back to my old job, but the person I'm working with is pretty cruel to me and my confidence and passion for this field have been destroyed over the last couple of months or so. I'm not sure what to do...I have no idea if the loss of confidence/passion is just because of the situation or if I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'll just never be good enough and how much more time should I waste here? Will confidence/passion ever return? Or am I just wasting my money/time? I feel like such a loser too especially since I'm in my early 30s...because of the training I only work part-time and on commission, which is looked down upon. I feel awful about not being successful in the internship, for not having the skills I was supposed to have, to being compared to the level of a 19-year-old college sophomore. I'm tired of being shamed and being blamed for everything 100%. The stress, anxiety, and depression caused by this situation and working with this person led me to have physical symptoms and almost led me to a breakdown so I pulled back. The university won't believe me that things would improve if I were in a different environment. They believe that I'm just willfully not listening or something but I am doing the BEST I CAN! How many people are actually going to be successful when someone keeps telling you that they're going to fail you, that you're terrible at this and that, and gets MAD at you if you falter a little bit and have an off day. When you're working with someone who BERATES you for lacking confidence. I can't express how poor the report is between the two of us, but the important thing is no one at the university (except for the one on leave of course) believes me! It's just 100% my fault for being awful! I guess I deserve to be treated like garbage? This is pretty much destroying my life right now...I'm almost too ashamed to ever make friends again or socialize. I'm so ashamed about having graduate degrees and just being too inept to do anything. I should have never tried to improve my life and get a better job...I should know my place by now and not try to rise above it. I'm clearly incapable. I go back on Monday part-time instead of full. I don't know if I'm ready to go back to all that blame and shame. Should I even bother? I don't know if my passion will ever return...it's gotten beaten out of me. I guess I should also mention that I feel hopeless about ever having a partner/family because of this situation and because of not being cisgender and not passing, so I'll never attract the right people anyway or I'll have to pretend to be something I'm not (a girl) like I have in a long-term relationship in the past. Everything is so frustrating and hopeless and I'm just failing at EVERYTHING and everything has just gotten worse and WORSE. I don't know what to do.
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Glad it's over, but still sad and angry and hopeless about the future
Relationship Stress / by NanoWriter13
Last post
 November 5th, 2018
...See more I was in a nearly 4 year relationship when my ex broke up with me about 3 months ago. I had low self-esteem to start with, but now it feels even lower. I think I'd be less sad about this if I ever had hope of finding someone else. But at 30, he's the only person who has been attracted to me enough to date me and want an intimate relationship with me. Don't get me wrong, I don't want him back. He said/did some unforgivable things and just being friends is all the closest I want to be. I just can't let go of the anger. How in so many things he would be included and I would be excluded. How I always felt inferior to him. Most of the time intimacy was unfulfilling or just awful. Awful to the point that I feel scarred. I would be afraid of being intimate with anyone ever again. What's the point if it's that traumatic anyway? Which makes me so sad because I've always imagined that sex would be great, but my experiences have taught me that it usually isn't. Then there was avoiding spending time with me because he didn't know what mood I was in, deciding suddenly to go no contact for a week, etc. But the real kicker (for me) is he never understood my gender identity. I felt forced to be heteronormative to be with a man especially since his family didn't know and I got a lot of effeminate clothing as hand-me-downs. So I guess it's my fault for hiding and being afraid to fully be myself. His mom asked him if I were transgender to which he answered that I was bisexual. Although true, that showed that after years he hadn't cared enough to try to understand important things about me (further supported by how he'd often upset and not understand why and seemed to not really know me on a truly deep level) plus he didn't have permission to share my sexuality. Even in therapy, he would say that sex and gender are the same things and the therapist and I would have to explain to him the difference. Now, he doesn't seem to understand why it hurts when he's so nice and affectionate towards me. I would imagine anyone would realize that holding an ex's hand when comforting them is just going to confuse them. Especially when this relationship was my first introduction to physical affection. I don't want to be reminded of all I lost or what I won't ever get to experience again. I don't know if it's the loss of affection and emotional intimacy (that I haven't been able to get anywhere else for years) that makes me sad or how angry I am about being misunderstood and frankly, led on and lied to. Or being told that I don't know who I am when clearly I do but I'm afraid to really explore that because I'm afraid of not being accepted (I have been rejected by those closest to me when I let them know about the LGBTQ stuff) and frankly, I'm afraid of my parents. To the point that I would be afraid to cut my hair "too short" because of what they might say. I guess I just want to know why I still feel hurt and anger when they're pointless feelings to have and how do I get used to dying alone again? I had gotten to that point right before I met him. Should I have never been in a relationship and is someone like myself simply unable to be in a relationship? I can't put everything down in one post, but basically, the relationship taught me that I'm an awful person, and I shouldn't ever share feelings if they are negative (or at least make it very rare) and that I'll never be capable of being supportive enough, never be happy enough, just never BE enough. Just never heteronormative (or "normal" I guess) enough.
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