Glad it's over, but still sad and angry and hopeless about the future

I was in a nearly 4 year relationship when my ex broke up with me about 3 months ago. I had low self-esteem to start with, but now it feels even lower. I think I'd be less sad about this if I ever had hope of finding someone else. But at 30, he's the only person who has been attracted to me enough to date me and want an intimate relationship with me.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want him back. He said/did some unforgivable things and just being friends is all the closest I want to be. I just can't let go of the anger. How in so many things he would be included and I would be excluded. How I always felt inferior to him. Most of the time intimacy was unfulfilling or just awful. Awful to the point that I feel scarred. I would be afraid of being intimate with anyone ever again. What's the point if it's that traumatic anyway? Which makes me so sad because I've always imagined that sex would be great, but my experiences have taught me that it usually isn't. Then there was avoiding spending time with me because he didn't know what mood I was in, deciding suddenly to go no contact for a week, etc.

But the real kicker (for me) is he never understood my gender identity. I felt forced to be heteronormative to be with a man especially since his family didn't know and I got a lot of effeminate clothing as hand-me-downs. So I guess it's my fault for hiding and being afraid to fully be myself. His mom asked him if I were transgender to which he answered that I was bisexual. Although true, that showed that after years he hadn't cared enough to try to understand important things about me (further supported by how he'd often upset and not understand why and seemed to not really know me on a truly deep level) plus he didn't have permission to share my sexuality. Even in therapy, he would say that sex and gender are the same things and the therapist and I would have to explain to him the difference.

Now, he doesn't seem to understand why it hurts when he's so nice and affectionate towards me. I would imagine anyone would realize that holding an ex's hand when comforting them is just going to confuse them. Especially when this relationship was my first introduction to physical affection. I don't want to be reminded of all I lost or what I won't ever get to experience again. I don't know if it's the loss of affection and emotional intimacy (that I haven't been able to get anywhere else for years) that makes me sad or how angry I am about being misunderstood and frankly, led on and lied to.

Or being told that I don't know who I am when clearly I do but I'm afraid to really explore that because I'm afraid of not being accepted (I have been rejected by those closest to me when I let them know about the LGBTQ stuff) and frankly, I'm afraid of my parents. To the point that I would be afraid to cut my hair "too short" because of what they might say.

I guess I just want to know why I still feel hurt and anger when they're pointless feelings to have and how do I get used to dying alone again? I had gotten to that point right before I met him. Should I have never been in a relationship and is someone like myself simply unable to be in a relationship? I can't put everything down in one post, but basically, the relationship taught me that I'm an awful person, and I shouldn't ever share feelings if they are negative (or at least make it very rare) and that I'll never be capable of being supportive enough, never be happy enough, just never BE enough. Just never heteronormative (or "normal" I guess) enough.