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NotMyFlipFlops
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PathStep 3 Compassion hearts30 Forum posts10 Forum upvotes14 Current upvotes14 Age GroupAdult Last activeMay, 2026 Member sinceDecember 2, 2025
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Trying to understand: avoidant attachment, mixed signals, or something else?
Relationship Stress / by NotMyFlipFlops
Last post
 December 14th, 2025
...See more I’m looking for an outside perspective on a recent breakup with someone I’ve known for 20+ years — we’ll call her K. We’ve always had a strong bond, and when things finally turned romantic, it felt real and mutual. The part I’m stuck on is how fast things shifted. The week before the breakup: There was a small situation after a night where she’d been drinking. Nothing major, just a few things I didn’t like, so I took a day to myself. She responded with, “Take all the time you need. Love you.” She’d never said that to me before, so it felt like real vulnerability and reassurance. The following week: We didn’t see each other because her kid needed extra attention(school issues), but she stayed in touch more than usual. She was initiating sweet morning messages — again, not typical for her. It felt like we were turning a corner. Then the weekend came: Her kid went to his dad’s and I was excited to finally spend time together, but she got sick. I’d been wondering whether she actually had enough time or space in her life for a relationship, so (stupidly, in hindsight) I basically ended things for her. Not from anger — more from fear and confusion. I went by to grab my stuff and asked if she had any thoughts. She said she wasn’t going to talk me out of anything, and maybe I was right that she didn’t have time. The second she said it, I regretted ending it. It felt like she just folded inward. Three days later: She officially broke it off with a long text basically saying there's nothing wrong with me, nothing I did, she just needs to focus on work, her kid, herself— but then invited me over for dinner, acted totally normal, had me stay the night, cuddled me, everything. The next morning she was cold again, and since then… pretty much silence. When I finally texted, “Are we even friends anymore?” she said, “Of course we’re friends!” But her behavior doesn’t match that at all. She’s stayed friends with exes who treated her way worse, so the fact that she isn’t talking to me makes me wonder if it’s because she still has feelings and doesn’t know how to be around me… or if I’m overthinking everything. The pattern I’ve seen in her: Pulls close right before things get deeper Retreats fast when vulnerability rises Shuts down communication when overwhelmed Seems to struggle to reconcile what she wants with what her life demands My questions for the community: Does this sound like avoidant attachment behavior? Has anyone seen this “pull close → retreat → pretend normal → disappear” pattern before? How do you tell the difference between someone losing interest vs. someone getting triggered by closeness? If you you’ve been avoidant yourself, does any of this track emotionally? I care about her a lot, so I’m not trying to diagnose or blame. I’m just trying to understand the dynamic and whether what I experienced lines up with avoidant tendencies or something else.
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I'd love some perspective...
Relationship Stress / by NotMyFlipFlops
Last post
 December 3rd, 2025
...See more I’d love some outside perspectives on a situation that’s been complicated, clarifying, and honestly a little sad for me. I’m in a long-term marriage that went through years of emotional distance. After a lot of honest conversations, my wife and I are separated on good terms, with no hostility and no confusion about boundaries. We’ve both acknowledged that seeing other people wouldn’t be a betrayal. Around that same time, I reconnected with someone from my past — someone I’ve known since we were kids. The connection was intense and mutual, and things moved into something romantic pretty quickly. She’s been under a lot of stress in her life, which sometimes came out as anxiety, insecurity, or questioning my sincerity about my separation. I tried to meet that with patience, clarity, and emotional honesty, but I can also see how the timing and intensity put pressure on both of us. At one point I misread her silence, panicked, and ended things too abruptly. I regretted it immediately. We ended up having one night together after that that felt real and connected, but then the distance crept back in — minus a few short holiday messages. I did decide to reach out recently, not to “win her back” or say the perfect thing, but because I realized I only want to handle relationships by being honest and straightforward. I told her how I felt with no expectation of outcome. And weirdly, after doing that, everything shifted for me. It was like I suddenly saw the whole thing through a lens of self-respect instead of fear or longing. I found myself thinking less about how to keep the connection, and more about why I tolerated treatment that didn’t feel very kind at times. I know people under pressure don’t always show their best selves — but some of the ways she pushed me away, and especially how distant and cold the end has felt, just landed as immature and weak, especially between two 40-year-olds who’ve known each other since we were 11. It honestly stings that what we had — even just our old friendship — seems gone because of how this unfolded. I care about her wellbeing and I don’t wish her harm, but I’m not attached the way I was. It’s almost like speaking my truth finally closed whatever loop I was stuck in. Now my questions are more about meaning and direction than reconciliation: Has anyone else experienced that moment where romantic intensity clears and you suddenly see the situation through self-respect instead of longing? How did you know whether to leave the door open for possible healing later, or accept that the end — even if it’s clumsy or painful — is simply the end? I’d really appreciate any thoughtful opinions or shared experiences.
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