I'd love some perspective...

I’d love some outside perspectives on a situation that’s been complicated, clarifying, and honestly a little sad for me.

I’m in a long-term marriage that went through years of emotional distance. After a lot of honest conversations, my wife and I are separated on good terms, with no hostility and no confusion about boundaries. We’ve both acknowledged that seeing other people wouldn’t be a betrayal.

Around that same time, I reconnected with someone from my past — someone I’ve known since we were kids. The connection was intense and mutual, and things moved into something romantic pretty quickly. She’s been under a lot of stress in her life, which sometimes came out as anxiety, insecurity, or questioning my sincerity about my separation. I tried to meet that with patience, clarity, and emotional honesty, but I can also see how the timing and intensity put pressure on both of us.

At one point I misread her silence, panicked, and ended things too abruptly. I regretted it immediately. We ended up having one night together after that that felt real and connected, but then the distance crept back in — minus a few short holiday messages.

I did decide to reach out recently, not to “win her back” or say the perfect thing, but because I realized I only want to handle relationships by being honest and straightforward. I told her how I felt with no expectation of outcome.

And weirdly, after doing that, everything shifted for me. It was like I suddenly saw the whole thing through a lens of self-respect instead of fear or longing. I found myself thinking less about how to keep the connection, and more about why I tolerated treatment that didn’t feel very kind at times. I know people under pressure don’t always show their best selves — but some of the ways she pushed me away, and especially how distant and cold the end has felt, just landed as immature and weak, especially between two 40-year-olds who’ve known each other since we were 11. It honestly stings that what we had — even just our old friendship — seems gone because of how this unfolded.

I care about her wellbeing and I don’t wish her harm, but I’m not attached the way I was. It’s almost like speaking my truth finally closed whatever loop I was stuck in.

Now my questions are more about meaning and direction than reconciliation:

Has anyone else experienced that moment where romantic intensity clears and you suddenly see the situation through self-respect instead of longing?

How did you know whether to leave the door open for possible healing later, or accept that the end — even if it’s clumsy or painful — is simply the end?

I’d really appreciate any thoughtful opinions or shared experiences.