Novagurl1978 Member Profile

...See more Hi. I am new here. I have been a caregiver for my mom since July 2020. She was diagnosed with a very aggressive and hard-to-treat stage 3 breast cancer. I was there for everything... every Dr appt, every chemo or radiation treatment. Feb 2021 she had a double mastectomy, and was deemed disease free. She started radiation to make sure it was completely gone. June, just about to finish the radiation, she started having focal seizures in her left arm. They immediately did a brain MRI, and they found something there. Although they weren't sure, they said she likely had metastasis of the cancer to her brain. We then started chemo again. Fast forward to Jan of this year, she was done with chemo, and onto special radiation "surgery" to target the lesion. After her radiation treatments (which she had only 6 of because they are very strong and targeted), we had to wait a bit to see if the lesion would shrink. It didn't. We were then referred to neurosurgery. Mom had the "tumor" removed March of this year. All has initially gone well. She came home 2 1/2 weeks later. Fast forward, end of March, she suddenly got a nasty infection in the surgery site, which they had to immediately go back in for. All hell broke loose after. She has been mostly in- but in and out of the hospital ever since then. She has been home a total of about 4 weeks since March 31st. I quit my job, with the intention of caring for her full time at this point because she needed more help than we were led to believe. This includes 24hr monitoring. Things have been more than hard. Not only the care itself, but also the treatment Ive received from her. Monday night, I had to call 911 because she had a fall, and a grand Mal seizure (which she had never had before) We all decided that night (including her) that it isn't yet safe for her to be home. She needs more help than we can provide. And insurance won't cover what we needed at home. Now, the discussion has started about care homes. In particular, medicaid is referring to adult foster care. I know I'm doing the right thing, and it's not hospice, and she is expected to improve, but I feel guilty about the thought of putting her in a care facility. I feel like (and I don't know why I do this to myself) like it is 100% my responsibility to take care of her, and that I'm basically giving up on her by doing this. I know in my heart that it's what's best for her. I have already lost myself and gone over my head trying to do it all, and I know it's too much. And I could not live with myself if she was under my care and I lost her. She just turned 55, and I am 27. She is really young to be going through this, and I know I am really young to have this kind of stuff on my shoulders. I just don't know how to get past the guilt, and not to mention the trauma this whole experience has caused us. I lie in bed each night with worry, guilt, and fear, and I don't know how to get it to stop. I am working on seeking therapy, but I haven't yet found a clinic that accepts my insurance and has openings. I just felt like I needed to get this off my chest. I needed to tell SOMEONE. Someone that isn't the same 5 people I always talk to. Im sorry for the long post, but thank you for reading, and I look forward to hearing what thoughts any of you may have.

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