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Psalm139
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PathStep 65 Compassion hearts1,512 Forum posts930 Forum upvotes1,009 Current upvotes1,009 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2025 Member sinceJuly 14, 2022
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Psalms 139:1-18


 

1 O LORD, thou hast searched me, and known me.


2 Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.


3 Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.


4 For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O LORD, thou knowest it altogether.


5 Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.


6 Such knowledge is too wonderful* for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it.


7 Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?


8 If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.


9 If I take the wings of the morning, and dwellin the uttermost parts of the sea;


10 Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.


11 If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.


12 Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.


13 For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb.


14 I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.


15 My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.


16 Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.


17 How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!


18 If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.


Recent forum posts
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Proud of myself!
Depression Support / by Psalm139
Last post
September 6th, 2024
...See more Maybe it’s just me but making the appointment, getting to the appointment, and making it THROUGH the appointment is a huge deal for me when my depression and anxiety is getting bad. But I did it. I got my prescription back today and can pick it up tomorrow and hopefully will be feeling better soon!
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Without a mark
Self-Harm Recovery / by Psalm139
Last post
August 9th, 2022
...See more What can you do to get the sensation of pain without leaving a mark? Does anything actually work?
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Emptiness
Personality Disorders Support / by Psalm139
Last post
August 9th, 2022
...See more Do you all feel empty sometimes? Like apart from the people in your life you almost don't exist or have purpose at all? I don't feel needed or wanted or if I feel ignored or rejected then I just feel invisible and worthless and like I could just disappear and no one would notice.
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We were homeless for a year...
Trauma Support / by Psalm139
Last post
August 5th, 2022
...See more A few years ago (2019) my kids and I were homeless. I started writing about it today. Here is the beginning of our story: I remember loading the kids in the car that night. All 5 of them, bundled up in their coats in the dark, bags piled on top of them. It was snowing lightly, and quiet, and peaceful. I felt like crying as I hugged my sister goodbye in the parking lot of our apartment - the apartment we could no longer afford with my husband gone. I started driving. It was just me now, responsible for all of these little lives, but I couldn't do it on my own. I had tried. It was too much. I was falling apart. Everything had seemed to happen so fast but looking back I should have seen it coming. When we arrived at the shelter, it looked like the picture I found online. Three ranch style yellow houses with a black metal gate in front. I parked by the big green dumpster and unloaded the kids. The four bigger kids followed me - 12, 10, 8, and 4, as I balanced my youngest child, just 1 year old at the time, on my hip. We walked up to the gate and down the windy sidewalk to the office door. "Where's your stuff?" She asked me. It was still in the car. (How was I supposed to carry the 12 medium -sized bags we were allowed to bring with us (two per person), along with my children?) She told me to go get our bags and to set them by the house we would stay in first: "Hope house" they called it. It was for the women and children coming straight off the street or in the 30 day recovery program. From the outside it looked like a house, but from the inside it felt like a prison. Not that I have ever been to prison, or even inside one. But it felt like what I imagined it to be. After we dropped our stuff by the door for the worker to go through and search for any forbidden items - the receptionist led us back down the path and around the back to a heavy, purple colored door. Inside was a small office and a blonde haired lady in her 50s, Michelle. I had talked to her on the phone a couple of nights before and she had scared me so much that I almost didn't come. But what else could I do? Where else could we go? I didn't feel like I had much of a choice. I filled out a stack of papers and gave her the required documentation for all of us - birth certificates, social security cards - all of it. She took pictures of us for their files. She took me into the bathroom and made me pee in a cup in front of her while my kids waited outside. To test me for drugs. A lot of the women in the shelter were addicts. They checked our hair for lice. Finally we were allowed to go to the house where we would stay for the next three months. I wasn't crying yet. Maybe I was in shock. We hauled our stuff in and brought it to the laundry room. We were required to put everything into the dryer for 20 minutes on high because, you know, bed bugs. "Bug protocol" they called it. They took the medicine we brought with us - everything was locked away in the office to be given out by staff. The worker that was there that first shift was kind. She let the kids each pick out a new pair of pajamas and let us all pick out some trial size shampoos and conditioners that were donated by area motels. That was probably the most exciting thing that happened that day for any of us. Our rooms were cold, with tile floors, metal bunk beds, and thin plastic mattresses. We had three rooms: Jaxon, the baby, was with me; the boys - Treyton and Bentley - were in the room adjoining mine. The girls shared a room just like ours, but across the hall. Each room had an open closet with a shelf and a tall metal shelf. We were all given sheets, pillows, pillow cases, quilts, towels, and washcloths. We were not allowed to bring any of those things from home. I remember sitting on that hard mattress that first day, wondering if I had made a huge mistake. Maybe I should have tried harder to keep that job and apartment. Maybe everything would have been ok eventually. But the decisions had already been made. I had quit my job and moved all of our stuff out of the apartment. We were homeless. We had nowhere else to go now. This was it.
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I don't feel safe
Relationship Stress / by Psalm139
Last post
August 4th, 2022
...See more My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years. This month will be our 17th wedding anniversary. He was an addict when I met him, but clean at that time. While we were dating he relapsed and got really bad and he went to a year long treatment program before we were married. He relapsed a few years later. By then we had a toddler and a newborn. Things got really bad again and we had to move to a different state and live with his parents for a while. Then we found a cheap trailer to live in and start over. Not long after that he cheated on me with a girl from work and left for four months. He tried to get me to leave with our little girls but we had nowhere to go. He was clean for a long time after that, but drank and was mean sometimes. I thought he was clean. But he told me later he had been using on and off the whole time but was functioning. [His drug of choice is meth. So getting "really bad" involves him leaving for days at a time, staying up all night and day, not eating, being super paranoid and spending all of our money.] A few years ago he relapsed and got really bad again. At this point we had five children, our youngest being one year old. It got so bad that he went to another year long treatment at a homeless shelter and because I couldn't get it together fast enough to support all of us, the kids and I went to a shelter for women and children. We were there for almost an entire year. DHS was involved and I was so scared. It was like living a nightmare. It was the worst year of my life. I have BPD. Borderline personality disorder. It probably stems from losing my father to suicide when I was a child. It usually is caused by childhood trauma. My mom died when I was 16 from cancer too. I've never been able to have regular friends because of my BPD. I have two sisters that l see a couple times a year, my husband, and my kids. That is my support system. I can't trust or feel safe with my husband. I love him and care about him and I even like him - he's fun to be around most of the time, he's very confident. I'm attracted to him. All that is good. But I don't feel safe. I think I've forgiven him. But I hate this feeling. Last night I had a dream that we were back at the shelter. I don't feel capable of supporting my kids on my own because of my mental health and so going back to a place like that is a constant fear. Anytime he is mean or distant or looks at his phone too much I think he is going to leave us. I don't know what to do.
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I wish I could just run away
Depression Support / by Psalm139
Last post
July 28th, 2022
...See more Does anyone else just have this feeling like they just need to go. To be away from the world? I would love to just travel around and live on next to nothing and just be free of all the chaos. I think we could just live in a tent or a popup or old camper, anything. Eat super cheap. I've thought about living off grid or moving to another country. I don't know if it's my mental health and feeling like I don't belong anywhere or social anxiety or what. I just can't hide enough from the world. I need an escape.
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