I don't feel safe
My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years. This month will be our 17th wedding anniversary.
He was an addict when I met him, but clean at that time. While we were dating he relapsed and got really bad and he went to a year long treatment program before we were married.
He relapsed a few years later. By then we had a toddler and a newborn. Things got really bad again and we had to move to a different state and live with his parents for a while. Then we found a cheap trailer to live in and start over. Not long after that he cheated on me with a girl from work and left for four months. He tried to get me to leave with our little girls but we had nowhere to go.
He was clean for a long time after that, but drank and was mean sometimes. I thought he was clean. But he told me later he had been using on and off the whole time but was functioning.
[His drug of choice is meth. So getting "really bad" involves him leaving for days at a time, staying up all night and day, not eating, being super paranoid and spending all of our money.]
A few years ago he relapsed and got really bad again. At this point we had five children, our youngest being one year old. It got so bad that he went to another year long treatment at a homeless shelter and because I couldn't get it together fast enough to support all of us, the kids and I went to a shelter for women and children. We were there for almost an entire year. DHS was involved and I was so scared. It was like living a nightmare. It was the worst year of my life.
I have BPD. Borderline personality disorder. It probably stems from losing my father to suicide when I was a child. It usually is caused by childhood trauma. My mom died when I was 16 from cancer too. I've never been able to have regular friends because of my BPD. I have two sisters that l see a couple times a year, my husband, and my kids. That is my support system.
I can't trust or feel safe with my husband. I love him and care about him and I even like him - he's fun to be around most of the time, he's very confident. I'm attracted to him. All that is good. But I don't feel safe.
I think I've forgiven him. But I hate this feeling. Last night I had a dream that we were back at the shelter. I don't feel capable of supporting my kids on my own because of my mental health and so going back to a place like that is a constant fear.
Anytime he is mean or distant or looks at his phone too much I think he is going to leave us.
I don't know what to do.
It sounds like his addiction is what gets a hold of him and causes these issues to to arise like him threatening leaving or cheating on you. It’s his addiction talking and fueling his decisions.
Although you don’t have your parents, I can imagine that you have developed a strength and a resolve that many don’t have due to having to endure this loss. You have made it this far, almost twenty years married, so you’re a resilient person. Look back at how you handled things. Try to see what you can do to establish a slight bit more independence if possible.
It seems you are fearing the worst happening again or even worse him leaving for real; the dreams show you even at night sleeping it’s on your mind. You still like and love your husband but sadly this addiction gets ahold of him. Is he currently trying to help himself or stay clean?
you are not alone but I know your strength solely from reading what you’ve been through.
@heatlightning. Hey💙. Thank you for responding to my post. He is clean right now and I feel bad that I can't get over it and just enjoy that everything is ok right now and be more optimistic. I do live in fear of everything getting bad again. If my kids were grown then it wouldn't be so bad or scary. I don't really care if I am homeless or have to live in a tent or something. But I don't want that kind of instability for them. It's just hard feeling like this, being afraid all the time.
I’m so sorry you’re having to feel fear all the time. If possible I would look into what you can do on your part to ensure stability. So in case the worst were to happen you’re familiarized matbe wirg focerment programs or what is available to you. Stay hopeful and strong for your children. Neither you or them deserve to be homeless! Have a strong self worth to demonstrate to your kids because you all are worth it. I hope that he stays clean and this issue you fear never even becomes a reality ♥️
@heatlightning Thank you 💙
I look into resources in the area frequently so I am familiar with what is available. They even have a shelter here, but hopefully we can avoid going through that again.
I got 2 credit cards that I am keeping available for emergencies that could get us through a few months if needed. Hopefully that would be enough time to make a longer term plan.
My oldest is 15 now, and the next oldest will be 14 in September, so both of them could also get jobs if needed. I'm sure they'd be happy to do that and watch the younger kids while I worked if it meant avoiding a shelter and public school!
I also got my youngest on SSI (a several month long proces - he has a medical condition that qualifies) which would be adjusted to higher payments if our income went down.
I really need to get involved in a church too. I am a Christian. I have no real life support system. It's just my social anxiety that keeps me from doing that.
💙
I’m really glad you hear you have some ideas and a little bit of a plan in place for that sense of security; the credit cards on standby is smart instead of having to try to pull all that together in a moment of need.
that’s really great your older kids can help support you if needed. I hope having them in your life helps brighten it and forms a sort of support system.
Getting in a church is such a great idea! When I moved to a new area a friend of my partner invited us to a church and we went on this day where they welcome new members so they approached us and invited us to be a part of a support group that meets weekly. I think if you find a church that is doing a community event or open house that could help you become a part of their community and meet some wonderful people who will be there for you in the community. As long as it is a good church, I know their doors should be open to you any week though and maybe taking your older kids would be a good way to bring a church into all of your lives.
i get it though; social anxiety is real and has prevented me many times from going to an event or becoming a part of something. It’s really by chance I thankfully got involved in that church. But taking that step can really help if you are able to 💙
@heatlightning Thank you for the encouragement 💙. Yes, I really do want to get involved in a church, with all the kids and my husband too. I hate that my fear and anxiety keeps not only me but also my kids from developing friendships and getting support. I grew up in the church and I was at home there when I was younger. I really want to get back to that feeling of safety in church and in God💙
I pray that you find a church family for you all! Having that involvement would be great for your whole family I’m sure. But in due time it will come; I understand how anxiety can be in that way. It will happen when it’s supposed to💙
