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QueenCaffeine
413 M Embraced 3
PathStep 9 Compassion hearts18 Forum posts6 Forum upvotes8 Current upvotes8 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2023 Member sinceAugust 4, 2019
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Is this Mania?
Depression Support / by QueenCaffeine
Last post
 August 31st, 2019
...See more * Disclaimer : I am currently not diagnosed but have started the process of finding a doctor * I've been depressed for about 10 years with severe anxiety/panic and suicide ideation (with one attempt) Things were going great for a while- I recovered from an ED, met and married my husband, got a university degree. Over the last few months things have been backsliding. I've been severely depressed, irritated and moody. I've been having flashbacks of my past and trying to work through those feelings. For the last few days I've shot way up energy-wise. I'm fidgety, energetic, and I feel high even though I'm 100% sober (endorphin high?) My 2 latest journal entries go as follows: "I'm energetic. Depressed but physiologically excited. panicked but i feel high. I can't stop smiling and feeling jittery but also feel like I'll snap" "I feel crazy. Clear headed and foggy at the same time. Real and not real. Happy and dark. What and who even am I?" I went on a huge long rant to a friend last night and could not stop talking/ having revelations. Any thoughts would be helpful. I have a counselling appointment in a week.
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Is it trauma?
Trauma Support / by QueenCaffeine
Last post
 August 22nd, 2019
...See more Hi everyone I'll try to make this short. I have a long history of depression. The other day was the 8 year anniversary of my suicide attempt and the 10 year of moving countries. I've been having a lot of flashbacks about that time. The events that led to my suicide attempt, the unhealthy relationships I had at the time. I remembered a memory I'd forgotten about my friend's older brother who used to make pervy jokes and tell me I'd "better text my boyfriend to come save me because I don't want to be alone with him" -- I immediately shut down and realized why the person's name has always made me uncomfortable. I'd forgotten him until now -- Then I was clearing out my hard drive and accidentally saw my old suicide notes and poetry. I think I'm dissociating. I feel unreal and paralyzed. Objectively I haven't suffered classic trauma so I feel out of place. But this also feels deeper than depression or panic. Can anyone relate or validate my feelings of ptsd? I can't stop obsessing.
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