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I was with a wonderful young woman for 10 years. We were together for all of our young adulthood. We were in love, always there for each other, and shared tons of fond memories.
She always had emotional trouble, which I took pride in supporting her through.
Often it was family trouble, between losing connection with cousins, both of her parents betraying her, all while juggling a desire to conform to a Hispanic cultural ideal of being close to family as they hurt her.
But, it was also often to do with me. For a long time, she judged my hobbies, and rightfully took issue with me not having a clear goal in college and taking an extremely long time before I looked for a job. Additionally, she took issue with me not seeking out independence from my own troubled home, and not getting a car and learning I drive, among a handful of other criticisms. This caused a lot of tension, but ultimately, we stayed together over a passion for each other, mutual support through tough times, a respect for our smarts and social dynamic in good timesaving, and for how good we were with physical intimacy.
I had adapted my habits, my skills, my desires, to match her emotional needs first and foremost. She became my first priority, far above myself.
Still, she dealt with her stress by pulling away and leaving, not just me but also away from friends and other such things, retreating into workaholism. About halfway through, it became a yearly event or more for her to leave, and for her to either come back on her own terms, or for me to talk her into being back. Once we were, we were passionately in love, and having a big of a honeymoon period, but it never lasted.
This took a toll on my mental health, as well as the trust of family and friends on both sides. But, I had to hope that she could sit still for one year, to believe in the strength of our bond and our love to last through everything we had done.
I took on a job and stopped going to school specifically to put aside both money as a cushion for whenever she would need it, as well as having time for when she would need emotional support, and to handle my spiraling mental health when she would push away and come back.
One such event is when we broke up in 2020, she begged me to see someone new, I did, and she wanted back far sooner than I realized, and I broke up with that person to be with her again...which did not last as long as i hoped.
But...it didn't. Earlier this year, she broke up with me, quoting that tension with friends. And, it didn't take long before she was with someone new, about two weeks. While she successfully rebounded, my emotional turmoil and similar attempt instead just hurt and sewed distrust in my friends.
I couldn't stay away, though. She wanted my friendship, and I wanted a connection with her, so we talked a lot.
Which, in a couple months of time, kicked up our missing each other and our fond memories. We even talked ourselves into trying to get back together.
She had emotional troubles with her new partner's obsessive connection even for my standards, as well as a sharp class cultural divide, and complete sexual dissatisfaction, despite how much this partner meant to her and allowed her to be more comfortable with her sexual identity as Bi.
At first, this amounted to her cheating on her partner with me physically, falling back in love briefly at the first session before treating it as a physical thing at the second, in the same week as having such stuff with her partner.
But, later down the line, after a day of passion at the hotel, in which our physical attraction, emotional connection, and desire to be exclusively for each other, was reignited, we decided on a necessary plan of action to have her break up and come back with me, which tore her up understandably (especially as I had a similar experience with less tension with my partner when it happened), but ultimately went well. I moved to my own place, we were reconnecting emotionally, expressing love and interest...
And then the repeal of Roe v Wade hit.
She was always deathly afraid of pregnancy. I learned a lot about contraception options for her sake, to help her feel safe and informed.
But, this broke everything. The idea of having sex became unthinkable, even living in a state that would not lose abortion. It still meant competing with others for treatment.
And, on top of that, her friends betrayed her, and her family life imploded, all at once.
She called for a break...but, after so many times of a break becoming a break up, I couldn't really leave well enough alone. I did all I could to offer help, including bringing up options and operations to help her feel safe, trying to help her through all of those struggles, mostly to no response.
This became, as I feared, a break-up. She mostly implied it rather than saying it for a couple weeks, so I didn't really understand it.
Then, before really processing it was all over, not only was it a break up, but she found someone new, a woman I probably don't know.
Now, she's in a more fulfilling relationship. It's emotionally satisfying in a way that was immediately loving (two weeks into it and proudly in love, which she's usually guarded and serious about). She's even more sexually satisfied than she was with me, and there's no baggage or other such struggles holding her back. She's happier than ever.
And...it sucks.
So many times, we layed out our love for each other, plans for marriage, spent time and energy committing to each other.
I made my life about her, put the trust of my friends and family on the line, and constantly supported her in every way I could.
And yet, she is immediately and strongly in love with someone new in a way that fits her so much better, and this is the second time she's moved on so quickly and completely.
It seems more serious this time, too. No plans to talk, setting up clear boundaries, and generally prioritizing her new partner and life. I respect her for that.
But...now, all I have to connect with the life I built, everything I built myself to be and do, which was to be with her and support her and care for her, at the cost of anything and everything else...
Is to hand her money, and to not even really expect thanks for it, and to occasionally be a shoulder to cry on that she regrets having to lean on.
I'm not really motivated to live and move forward, beyond her desire for me to be well, and less so my friends' concern and care for me.
I gave up on so much about my other passions and opportunities to be with her, and she walks away and immediately finds better for her life...again.
I want to give up on everything, and leave every cent of what I have left to her name, or failing that, commit myself completely to supporting her where and when I can for her new life, because giving care and support to someone like her is all that motivates me...
And yet, I can't.
I feel trapped with myself, having lost everything that felt like it mattered to me, in trade for having more freedom with everything I was willing to discard for her sake.
I'm still mulling over giving up and giving her everything anyways.