Skip to main content Skip to bottom nav
RPGfun
1,427 M Little Steps 5
PathStep 24 Compassion hearts39 Forum posts11 Forum upvotes3 Current upvotes3 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2023 Member sinceMarch 16, 2022
Bio
Recent forum posts
RPGfun profile picture
Lost a 10 year relationship...again
Relationship Stress / by RPGfun
Last post
 August 8th, 2022
...See more I was with a wonderful young woman for 10 years. We were together for all of our young adulthood. We were in love, always there for each other, and shared tons of fond memories. She always had emotional trouble, which I took pride in supporting her through. Often it was family trouble, between losing connection with cousins, both of her parents betraying her, all while juggling a desire to conform to a Hispanic cultural ideal of being close to family as they hurt her. But, it was also often to do with me. For a long time, she judged my hobbies, and rightfully took issue with me not having a clear goal in college and taking an extremely long time before I looked for a job. Additionally, she took issue with me not seeking out independence from my own troubled home, and not getting a car and learning I drive, among a handful of other criticisms. This caused a lot of tension, but ultimately, we stayed together over a passion for each other, mutual support through tough times, a respect for our smarts and social dynamic in good timesaving, and for how good we were with physical intimacy. I had adapted my habits, my skills, my desires, to match her emotional needs first and foremost. She became my first priority, far above myself. Still, she dealt with her stress by pulling away and leaving, not just me but also away from friends and other such things, retreating into workaholism. About halfway through, it became a yearly event or more for her to leave, and for her to either come back on her own terms, or for me to talk her into being back. Once we were, we were passionately in love, and having a big of a honeymoon period, but it never lasted. This took a toll on my mental health, as well as the trust of family and friends on both sides. But, I had to hope that she could sit still for one year, to believe in the strength of our bond and our love to last through everything we had done. I took on a job and stopped going to school specifically to put aside both money as a cushion for whenever she would need it, as well as having time for when she would need emotional support, and to handle my spiraling mental health when she would push away and come back. One such event is when we broke up in 2020, she begged me to see someone new, I did, and she wanted back far sooner than I realized, and I broke up with that person to be with her again...which did not last as long as i hoped. But...it didn't. Earlier this year, she broke up with me, quoting that tension with friends. And, it didn't take long before she was with someone new, about two weeks. While she successfully rebounded, my emotional turmoil and similar attempt instead just hurt and sewed distrust in my friends. I couldn't stay away, though. She wanted my friendship, and I wanted a connection with her, so we talked a lot. Which, in a couple months of time, kicked up our missing each other and our fond memories. We even talked ourselves into trying to get back together. She had emotional troubles with her new partner's obsessive connection even for my standards, as well as a sharp class cultural divide, and complete sexual dissatisfaction, despite how much this partner meant to her and allowed her to be more comfortable with her sexual identity as Bi. At first, this amounted to her cheating on her partner with me physically, falling back in love briefly at the first session before treating it as a physical thing at the second, in the same week as having such stuff with her partner. But, later down the line, after a day of passion at the hotel, in which our physical attraction, emotional connection, and desire to be exclusively for each other, was reignited, we decided on a necessary plan of action to have her break up and come back with me, which tore her up understandably (especially as I had a similar experience with less tension with my partner when it happened), but ultimately went well. I moved to my own place, we were reconnecting emotionally, expressing love and interest... And then the repeal of Roe v Wade hit. She was always deathly afraid of pregnancy. I learned a lot about contraception options for her sake, to help her feel safe and informed. But, this broke everything. The idea of having sex became unthinkable, even living in a state that would not lose abortion. It still meant competing with others for treatment. And, on top of that, her friends betrayed her, and her family life imploded, all at once. She called for a break...but, after so many times of a break becoming a break up, I couldn't really leave well enough alone. I did all I could to offer help, including bringing up options and operations to help her feel safe, trying to help her through all of those struggles, mostly to no response. This became, as I feared, a break-up. She mostly implied it rather than saying it for a couple weeks, so I didn't really understand it. Then, before really processing it was all over, not only was it a break up, but she found someone new, a woman I probably don't know. Now, she's in a more fulfilling relationship. It's emotionally satisfying in a way that was immediately loving (two weeks into it and proudly in love, which she's usually guarded and serious about). She's even more sexually satisfied than she was with me, and there's no baggage or other such struggles holding her back. She's happier than ever. And...it sucks. So many times, we layed out our love for each other, plans for marriage, spent time and energy committing to each other. I made my life about her, put the trust of my friends and family on the line, and constantly supported her in every way I could. And yet, she is immediately and strongly in love with someone new in a way that fits her so much better, and this is the second time she's moved on so quickly and completely. It seems more serious this time, too. No plans to talk, setting up clear boundaries, and generally prioritizing her new partner and life. I respect her for that. But...now, all I have to connect with the life I built, everything I built myself to be and do, which was to be with her and support her and care for her, at the cost of anything and everything else... Is to hand her money, and to not even really expect thanks for it, and to occasionally be a shoulder to cry on that she regrets having to lean on. I'm not really motivated to live and move forward, beyond her desire for me to be well, and less so my friends' concern and care for me. I gave up on so much about my other passions and opportunities to be with her, and she walks away and immediately finds better for her life...again. I want to give up on everything, and leave every cent of what I have left to her name, or failing that, commit myself completely to supporting her where and when I can for her new life, because giving care and support to someone like her is all that motivates me... And yet, I can't. I feel trapped with myself, having lost everything that felt like it mattered to me, in trade for having more freedom with everything I was willing to discard for her sake. I'm still mulling over giving up and giving her everything anyways.
RPGfun profile picture
Lost a long relationship, she found someone new immediately
Relationship Stress / by RPGfun
Last post
 March 20th, 2022
...See more Was in a relationship for about 10 years. It was rocky for about 5 years at least, with a yearly breakup attempt being a regular part of my life. This behavior deteriorated my mental health a lot over time. But, we were always happier and more in love on the upswing. She was immensely affectionate, up intil she wasn't. She called me 'my love in intimate moments, cared for me and wished me the best, and in turn, I got so many opportunities to help her grow and be comfortable, to support her to no end. All the same, having that experience mixed in with her breaking up with me, telling me to see people, then falling back in love when I fell for someone else, then I feel guilty and never really got over her, got back together...just to be abandoned again, and her find someone new. I'm so deeply guilty about the relationship I left for her, especially as I knew it would end up worse, and like this. She's supportive of me, what's to be happy and even be friends, but I can't really be around her for the massive transition of her being in love with me, to her life being so much better without me. She gets to be openly in love instead of ashamed and worried about the trouble we caused for each other (I was obsessive about keeping us together, and said and did some stuff I regret and that was wrong to keep our relationship going). She gets to be honest and open with her family about stuff she never revealed with me. She gets a better and happier life all around, and all it took was giving me up, instead of following her promise to me that she'd tough it out and confront our problems. I feel so hurt at an outcome I should have expected, but I so wanted it to work. I loved her so deeply, would have made any sacrifice to be with her...and she has not felt that way for a long time. So much more matters to her more, and she's happier without me. It's hard to feel okay, and even with affection and care floating around, I'm not comfortable with myself. It's all so recent and painful, losing everything that mattered to me about my life, with everything else feeling so meaningless. To have that swept away feels like taking away my purpose in life, why I choose to go go work and how I decide that I'm living a life worth living. I have a ton of support, from friends, my dad, and even her who broke my heart but wants me to be okay, who told me how it went and wants happiness for both of us, but I'm still struggling so badly, gasping for metaphorical air.
Search more from @RPGfun
Considering Therapy?
Talk to an expert therapist
Badges & Awards
12 total badges
Hand Shake Linked Quintet Chief Chat Strong Start Reconnect First Post Reaching out First Compassion Bundled Teammate Forum Friend
Report an issue