Lost a 10 year relationship...again
I was with a wonderful young woman for 10 years. We were together for all of our young adulthood. We were in love, always there for each other, and shared tons of fond memories.
She always had emotional trouble, which I took pride in supporting her through.
Often it was family trouble, between losing connection with cousins, both of her parents betraying her, all while juggling a desire to conform to a Hispanic cultural ideal of being close to family as they hurt her.
But, it was also often to do with me. For a long time, she judged my hobbies, and rightfully took issue with me not having a clear goal in college and taking an extremely long time before I looked for a job. Additionally, she took issue with me not seeking out independence from my own troubled home, and not getting a car and learning I drive, among a handful of other criticisms. This caused a lot of tension, but ultimately, we stayed together over a passion for each other, mutual support through tough times, a respect for our smarts and social dynamic in good timesaving, and for how good we were with physical intimacy.
I had adapted my habits, my skills, my desires, to match her emotional needs first and foremost. She became my first priority, far above myself.
Still, she dealt with her stress by pulling away and leaving, not just me but also away from friends and other such things, retreating into workaholism. About halfway through, it became a yearly event or more for her to leave, and for her to either come back on her own terms, or for me to talk her into being back. Once we were, we were passionately in love, and having a big of a honeymoon period, but it never lasted.
This took a toll on my mental health, as well as the trust of family and friends on both sides. But, I had to hope that she could sit still for one year, to believe in the strength of our bond and our love to last through everything we had done.
I took on a job and stopped going to school specifically to put aside both money as a cushion for whenever she would need it, as well as having time for when she would need emotional support, and to handle my spiraling mental health when she would push away and come back.
One such event is when we broke up in 2020, she begged me to see someone new, I did, and she wanted back far sooner than I realized, and I broke up with that person to be with her again...which did not last as long as i hoped.
But...it didn't. Earlier this year, she broke up with me, quoting that tension with friends. And, it didn't take long before she was with someone new, about two weeks. While she successfully rebounded, my emotional turmoil and similar attempt instead just hurt and sewed distrust in my friends.
I couldn't stay away, though. She wanted my friendship, and I wanted a connection with her, so we talked a lot.
Which, in a couple months of time, kicked up our missing each other and our fond memories. We even talked ourselves into trying to get back together.
She had emotional troubles with her new partner's obsessive connection even for my standards, as well as a sharp class cultural divide, and complete sexual dissatisfaction, despite how much this partner meant to her and allowed her to be more comfortable with her sexual identity as Bi.
At first, this amounted to her cheating on her partner with me physically, falling back in love briefly at the first session before treating it as a physical thing at the second, in the same week as having such stuff with her partner.
But, later down the line, after a day of passion at the hotel, in which our physical attraction, emotional connection, and desire to be exclusively for each other, was reignited, we decided on a necessary plan of action to have her break up and come back with me, which tore her up understandably (especially as I had a similar experience with less tension with my partner when it happened), but ultimately went well. I moved to my own place, we were reconnecting emotionally, expressing love and interest...
And then the repeal of Roe v Wade hit.
She was always deathly afraid of pregnancy. I learned a lot about contraception options for her sake, to help her feel safe and informed.
But, this broke everything. The idea of having sex became unthinkable, even living in a state that would not lose abortion. It still meant competing with others for treatment.
And, on top of that, her friends betrayed her, and her family life imploded, all at once.
She called for a break...but, after so many times of a break becoming a break up, I couldn't really leave well enough alone. I did all I could to offer help, including bringing up options and operations to help her feel safe, trying to help her through all of those struggles, mostly to no response.
This became, as I feared, a break-up. She mostly implied it rather than saying it for a couple weeks, so I didn't really understand it.
Then, before really processing it was all over, not only was it a break up, but she found someone new, a woman I probably don't know.
Now, she's in a more fulfilling relationship. It's emotionally satisfying in a way that was immediately loving (two weeks into it and proudly in love, which she's usually guarded and serious about). She's even more sexually satisfied than she was with me, and there's no baggage or other such struggles holding her back. She's happier than ever.
And...it sucks.
So many times, we layed out our love for each other, plans for marriage, spent time and energy committing to each other.
I made my life about her, put the trust of my friends and family on the line, and constantly supported her in every way I could.
And yet, she is immediately and strongly in love with someone new in a way that fits her so much better, and this is the second time she's moved on so quickly and completely.
It seems more serious this time, too. No plans to talk, setting up clear boundaries, and generally prioritizing her new partner and life. I respect her for that.
But...now, all I have to connect with the life I built, everything I built myself to be and do, which was to be with her and support her and care for her, at the cost of anything and everything else...
Is to hand her money, and to not even really expect thanks for it, and to occasionally be a shoulder to cry on that she regrets having to lean on.
I'm not really motivated to live and move forward, beyond her desire for me to be well, and less so my friends' concern and care for me.
I gave up on so much about my other passions and opportunities to be with her, and she walks away and immediately finds better for her life...again.
I want to give up on everything, and leave every cent of what I have left to her name, or failing that, commit myself completely to supporting her where and when I can for her new life, because giving care and support to someone like her is all that motivates me...
And yet, I can't.
I feel trapped with myself, having lost everything that felt like it mattered to me, in trade for having more freedom with everything I was willing to discard for her sake.
I'm still mulling over giving up and giving her everything anyways.
@RPGfun Thanks for sharing your story, with us.
I am sorry your struggling.
Maybe reach out to our many listeners here at 7cups, for some support.
I hope this is helpful.
10 years is a long time. You’ve showed your loyalty and commitment to her. I recently just got out of an on again off again relationship. I called it off several times and pulled away. My partner couldn’t handle the mental distress of my indecisiveness so he ended it. It hurts so bad. But deep down I know it was the right choice. We can love someone but still not be right for each other. My relationship lasted half as long as yours so I can’t really understand. But it sounds like you lost yourself in her. I know it’s hard because it’s what I’m going through right now, but I think we have to learn to rebuild ourselves, find ourselves that we lost in the relationship. The longer we hold on, the longer the healing process. We owe it to ourselves to start over.
@wittyThinker429
A big problem for me has been that I've lost motivation to focus on myself, to want me to be better for the sake of it.
I'm so fixated on the idea that I'm here and alive for her sake, that any idea of acting for my own will feels repugnant.
So...being completely separated is doubly painful, firstly for losing everything I already built up, and secondly for losing any sense of being able to do what I feel I should be doing.
After having broken up for her, getting her to break up for me, and generally after sacrificing a lot of moral ground to get to this point where we're only apart *now* is also doubly painful. First for having done those things, and having hurt a ton of people along the way. Secondly, that I did all of those things, have those scars, and have nothing to show for it, despite that loyalty and commitment.
It feels like I'm not being Me if I'm not putting her first and foremost, and if I'm not leaving myself and how I can benefit things as far out of mind as possible, despite still managing to be pretty selfish.
@wittyThinker429 Thanks for showing your support of this member.
Thanks for posting your thoughts.
That was very nice of you, to offer support and to try to help this member.
Your a very nice person.
Ten years of your life have revolved around her. What do you need to start revolving your life around you? To start permitting your self to live you first?
Ten years is a long time. Yet it is only ten years, ten years what seems like a very single balanced hence unhealthy and toxic relationship.
You can't change her, and it seems she will never change until she hits rock bottom and has a choice to change or to end up in the gutter. And you know that. And you know there is nothing you can do about it.
Leave her alone. Radio silence for starters. If she reaches out wanting to make up, stand your ground and say you need alone time. Space. Work on you. Don't mess up yourself by clinging to someone who is not there, not for you, not for anyone, least for herself
Cry, grieve. As much as you need. Look back in love, and learn. Apply self compassion. Seek a therapist, you might need one, emotionally and mentally you likely have been drained.
Take care and, love your self first.
@dukeofdearham
She has changed in a few ways. She has a better grasp of barriers and maintaining them, explicitly cutting me out of her life for the safety of her relationship, and generally to meet her goals moving forward. She's learned more about her sexual preferences and emotional needs, and what that excludes, namely what we had, in preference for what she now has.
I am frustrated with her unwillingness to communicate, no doubt, but she has grown, and won't be hitting rock bottom, especially as she has a partner that she's much happier with, and getting to grow with.
Regardless, it's hard to imagine focusing on myself at this point.
I've spent my whole adult life focusing on her, and have done so much I simply don't want to forgive myself for, especially but by no means exclusively what I've already mentioned here.
So...all I can think to do is to more be a spectator of her life, and to provide little bits as I can, rather than actively participate in my own. Keeps me out of trouble and harm, and does the most to contribute to her life without interfering, which is my stated and desired goals.
It just...sucks to give up on myself that hard.
@RPGfun,
I understand how hard this is. Let's say I can imagine from the situation I found myself in.
Yet, you keep focusing on her. Start focusing on you. Don't go wait on the sideline. Don't be a spectator. Look elsewhere. Look at you. Make yourself priority. And start leading your life, a life that revolves around you.
Let it in, and let her go. For good. No ties. Trust me, best for you.
@dukeofdearham
It's exactly that. What's best for me. Is that even what I want? Is what's best for me my goal, or what's best for her? I can't find it in myself to genuinely make that push to focus on my own life and wellbeing if I have no intention or desire of me being the focus of my life.
Still, I appreciate your advice and speaking from experience. I wish I had something more satisfying or positively of growth to respond with.
@RPGfun,
you keep focusing on her
She is gone
Grieve. Mourn. Get professional help. Start focusing on you, on your self, your life. You need you, not her, not anyone else but you. Always.
Let her go. If you truly love her and truly love you, let it in, and let it go.
The dream, which sounds rather toxic actually, is no more. Go look in the mirror, tell your self "I love you".
And do seek help, it sounds you have damaged yourself pretty good and can do with help to connect with self again
EMDR works wonders for me (yes you have been through a traumatic experience).
And oh, no contact, none, ever.
@dukeofdearham
It's exactly that. I don't love myself. I don't intend or want to start. After stuff I've done, from getting her to cheat, to not following up on promises, and saying and doing anything to keep it all together, while still managing to fail as a partner...how can I see value as that, when for so long, being a good partner is all that mattered to me?
I love her dearly, more than anything in the world. That's why I'm okay giving her money and praise and support for moving on. Not only letting her do what she enjoys with her partner, but actively supporting and contributing to it. And, more than anything, I want to contribute to her life, and to ease financial tensions she has always had.
But...I've spent so much of my life in the shadow of my regrets and guilt. Even before I knew her, there was plenty that I did that was unforgivable, especially as a partner. I've wanted to lose myself for a long time that I can't remember a time when I did genuinely value myself.
I just hoped I could be enough for one person, but...I broke the heart of someone that would have loved me for years, and lost the only person that mattered to me, while still harming the trust of my friends and family in the process. All I can hope to do is to lose their trust further, and drain every last bit of myself away, so that someone else may be happy and secure in a way that I won't or can't be. She has a better, more fulfilling life to live, and would make better use of the resources I have than I ever could. All I can do is make the process palatable, drag on the draining of myself over so long that I either knock myself to my senses down the line, or else lose everything after it stopped mattering either way.
I don't deserve anyone else, or want anyone else. Having the care and support of friends is actively agonizing. Even being in therapy currently, I can't say I want to participate in the process of getting any better than this. All that matters is that I can do something to contribute to her life, to make it better, and to punish myself for failing to be that person for her that could make her life, or any of a number of peoples' lives, better.
@dukeofdearham Thanks for sharing your thoughts, with this member.
Thanks for showing your support, as well.
Your a very kind soul.
@RPGfun im so sorry thats happened to you. i know how ruff it can be last year my husband of 23 years left me for my best friend
@RPGfun that's awful and she's not worth it
Stop
Focusing
On
Her
Stop focusing on her. She is gone. You made yourself codependent and continue to do so.
Get professional help as you are too far in to pull yourself out.
Leave her alone. Cut all ties. It is over. History. Past. Get help to start processing and to focus on the only relationship in life that matters. The relationship with you.
She is gone. Simple as that. Accept that. And start accepting you.
Remember, self love first. Without self love, one will never be able to enter a true bond with anyone.
@dukeofdearham
I know it's over, and I know she's gone.
Every day, I look over what she has said to me, and to the world. She's madly in love with her new girlfriend. It took two weeks to switch which person was the love of her life. Every day, I'm painfully aware that she's gone, and I have to constantly remind myself, to crush that sense of hope of anything different.
And yet, expressing that I care, at least in giving money and support, is the only way I can feel comfortable. We both actively know it's fruitless for my self-interest. I've even been confronted by a temp therapist that it's manipulative to do what I'm doing. But...I can't sleep at night even when I am doing everything I can for her, let alone when I can't. It keeps me from a warpath against myself, to drain myself slowly. It has helped me to keep safe, and it actively helps her.
After that, it's a matter of giving up on myself so as to not cause this sort of trouble again. To see her love as better, stronger, and happier than mine could ever be, and to reconcile that with wanting to give as such anyways. Thus, crushing confidence, crushing hope, and contributing to what I see as Better than I ever could be.
In some way, I do hope to get better. I drain this out slowly as much for myself as for her. If it was completely just for her, I wouldn't have money anymore, and she'd have much more. But, I want to get out of this. All the same, I won't do it on terms of benefitting myself, not after the grudge I have against so much of what I've done. I'll only do it for other people, to care for and support others. And, even then, I've found that restricted to other lovesick people, probably for terrible reasons.
Until then, slowly losing myself and my resources until I figure myself out seems to be the best for me, and the best for her.
*crushing my own confidence, to be clear
@RPGfu,
I don't know what you are trying to achieve but it ain't gonna work and you will loose yourself.
All the best to you.
Thank you.
I can't say I know what I'm trying to accomplish anymore. Trying to stop being in pain. Trying not to give up on my convictions, and what I care about. Avoiding my past follies.
I'm definitely acting in on my pain, and that's doing harm and annoyance. I can't say I'm feeling any better, but I'm at least getting to talk this out.
I'm definitely misconstruing what is or isn't failure, I suppose.
I've spent so long having my best interest be the last thing on my mind, and feeling so bad about the bad things I did when they were, that it just feels awful to suggest I do anything for myself. Nearly got crimes and such awfulness under my belt for it, and I've never let myself down for it.
This relationship and connection felt like my last connection to any idea of hope and worth, and so it hurts to see that completely undone, and not only that, but both of us learning that I was fundamentally incompatible with the person I sacrificed everything for, and pinned all of my confidence and hopes on. With a lack of myself, and a lack of who I was committed to, I just feel lost. I know I can be happy, and in time, I will be...but my experiences, as skewed as they are, lean towards inevitable disappointment. Even if I'll be happier in the long run, I can't shake the feeling that I've already lived the best days of my life, and am otherwise disappointed that I'm still gonna get to live through the worst of it. If that's all the case, then it isn't really about me anymore, as much as helping someone else live the best of their life instead of padding a disappointing part of my own life.
I just...can't focus on myself. I'm not in the mindset for it, and so much trauma leads directly to those few times where I've stood up for myself, or else when I came up short on my opportunities to stand up for myself. It feels like I already lost my chances to be happy.
@RPGfun,
I can only say, get professional help. I started doing EMDR and that does wonders for me.
I understand that you are grieving.
I left my wife's phone six months ago. She wanted me to leave. It's a long sad story. I met my wife years ago in my home country, for a few years. We met again the year after, and the year after, and again the year after. Same spot, each time for a few days. Until we expressed our feelings. We were and are soul mates, on a very deep level. My wife is from the US. I emigrated. We had beautiful years until bad luck happened and more and more. I lost myself. Pulled myself out, no help, out of a deep dark whole. Tried to reconcile, relship therapy. My wife had gotten emotionally involved with someone else, long distance. She has had a hard life and has learned survival mechanisms due to trauma. Anyway, I did not understand what she got involved in, got angry all the time and she couldn't cope anymore and filed for divorce.
She is older, 70, and wants no more drama. Emotionally she is not strong and emotionally she got too overwhelmed to deal with it all
As she said, "I love you, and I love my self too".
We still love each other deeply. We have a deep connection that will never cease to exist.
Yet we live apart. Divorce will be finalized in future, she wants to wait doing so as I would financially benefit if we wait finalizing the divorce.
She wants to become friends, maybe even close friends. I can't, for multiple reasons
I have been in turmoil for years, until I conquered my triggers and no longer get angry. I have a lot to process. EMDR helps, a lot. I still grieve. Try to accept. Contact is minimal, she wants to be left alone, so do I. When there is contact, I am kind, gentle, loving. When either of us needs help we can reach out to each other.
Two weeks ago I lost my car keys. Long funny story, anyway, she helped me. So i thanked her and showed my gratitude by buying her a small gift card. She is, like me, having financial challenges and a small gift card will help her a bit
As for anything else, she has to find her own way. Take responsibility for the part she played.
If in need, I am there for her, if she asks for it.
The love is still there but she had to choose for yourself
The love I feel for her, I turn it towards myself. That helps a lot.
Things happened. I do not blame me. I was not my true self. Neither was she so no blame on her
Maybe this helps you. I got professional help, and help from my true self. Gonna take a lot of space and time to heal, and the love will always be there
@dukeofdearham- thank you for sharing your story. Your responses to members relationship issues have always upheld the most important factor. Take care of yourself first. It is so easy to lose ourselves in relationships. Often to the detriment of our mental health. Thank you again. We can heal ourselves with help and time. ❤️
I'm getting A Bit Better than before...I suppose.
I'm so exhausted.
I've spent so much of my adult life in anxiety and concern for her.
The idea of acting in avoidance of emotional pain and uncertainty feels so alien, especially when all of my favorite moments, those that I lived for, came from embracing that pain and uncertainty as a part of it.
So, being asked to focus on myself, to take myself away from painful experiences, and to find some sense of peace, feel antithetical to Me as a person, considering I've survived and thrived in embracing pain and uncertainty.
At some point, I just learned to enjoy the struggle. When my desire to escape these loops and bonds were snuffed out by amazing experiences on the upswing, it became clear that I'd do and accept anything just to be happy again. Pain became a part of my happiness, a guarantee of something I'd need to deal with.
So, the idea that I'd avoid it, cut myself off and seek peace, feels absurd. It's asking me to cut myself off from all I've ever known, barring one chance I had at peace that I threw away, because She was more important than that peace.
I can't subject myself to a long and painful process, an inevitable loss and death, but I feel trapped with myself that there's nothing else I can do without hurting myself more in the short term. I'll inevitably torment myself into needing to do *something* for someone else, and I can't stomach that someone else being anyone but Her. I'm at least trying to mend that last part.
But, it feels like being asked to breathe water when I'm told to put myself first. All I want to do, with every bone in my body, is to support and care for someone else. All I can do is accept that it could be anyone else but Her. And then deciding upon who to support, and easing up on myself in the process.
@RPGfun,
wrong, you got it so totally wrong.
Stop acting as a codependent. Love yourself first, if that takes the rest of your life, so be it.
And get help, you won't get out of the mess you made for yourself all by yourself
Stop saying you need to take care of someone else. You don't, nobody expects it and to put it harshly, nobody is waiting for your help. If someone does, over and over, they are not ready and you should run, as fast as you can.
Stop whining. Stop pulling yourself further apart. Get a grip, get help, start healing and focus on the only person you should have a true relship with, being you.
I am getting help. Therapy keeps getting delayed due to technical issues again and again, but I am committed to going.
I'm slowly getting better about this. Not actively being in pain for one thing, or at least choosing to be something other than in pain. Getting around to doing dishes and such chores, and generally getting excited to maintain myself again.
But, it's only to foster some sense that I can be useful and appealing.
I genuinely don't see myself being persuaded by being told to believe in and nurture myself, but I'm making peace with that and working around it to foster a sense of health and well-being.
The me that I have to nurture an agreement with threatens my life, gaslights me as a known technique, and generally leans on making my life hell as a response to things getting tough. Even as I interact with others, I can't help but see myself as slimy and manipulative when it's about my own joy. Keeping me sober, sane, and focused, actively doing good for everyone around me, is the only way I feel I can contain an endless array of bad habits. And, those things that I don't despise or haven't been judged for are those I find malleable, but that only reinforces that I manipulate myself more than acting genuinely to me at my core.
Even so, the things I enjoy and participate in are my own, are mostly genuine. That, I always have to lean on, games and creative energy.
Don't get me wrong: to others, I'm caring, supportive, and actively helpful when I can. But...enough bad experiences poison the well for what it means to be me sometimes.
But, reconnecting with creative efforts, and other such constructive habits, will help, even if in bad faith.
Reconnecting with some sense of peace, even if it's to lie to myself about being useful to some hypothetical other some day, is better to me than being in agony and despair over feeling overwhelmed at the prospect of never being enough for myself.
Growing some sense of enjoying my progress forward, even if it's just to have something to talk about and show off, feels like the only way I'll convince myself to move forward.
Just being told to do it for myself, when I abuse myself as much as I do, doesn't hold as much weight as just tricking myself to be better. Maybe, after I've tricked myself into being better enough, then I'll have enough history with me to trust myself. But, I think I'm right to struggle with the idea that I should be trust myself, as compared to how much I trust how I treat others well when I'm stable and settled.
@RPGfun I think professional help is the way to go but I am sorry you'll find someone else when you are healed and able to move forward but it takes time
