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Spearman60
3,918 M Seeking Light 3
PathStep 5 Compassion hearts948 Forum posts335 Forum upvotes649 Current upvotes649 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2024 Member sinceOctober 31, 2022
Bio

I'm here at 7 Cups because I needed a place to unload my brain with what I'm dealing with and the frustrations in this 40+ year marriage, and maybe connect with others who are dealing with the same.  I'm often discouraged and deal with anxiety and depression because I'm married to someone who is passive aggressive and unresponsive most of the time with my own needs as a husband.  I don't understand why someone doesn't want to contribute and work at making a marriage an oasis of comfort while living in a world of chaos and heartache.  I've tried to do my part over the years, but there's hardly been very many times when it was reciprocated.  Hard to carry on a relationship with a spouse when it's mostly one side doing most or nearly all of the work to keep it alive.

Generally, I'm a very easy person to get along with.  I'm not confrontational or rude to anyone unless they get that way with me, then I get defensive.  I do respond to anyone who wishes to chat or wants a conversation with me.  Friendships are welcome to anyone who needs a friend to chat with.  I'm caring and sensitive to other's needs and problems and would offer any advice and help if asked.

Don't let my profile image scare you.  I choose that because it has some meaning as it relates to my real name... 😊

Thanks for visiting my profile! 



Recent forum posts
Are You Dealing With A Covert Narcissistic Passive Aggressive Wife?
50 & Over Community / by Spearman60
Last post
 Friday
...See more I've come to realize after 40+ years of marriage, that the root of our marital issues is her covert narcissistic passive aggressive behavioral attitude.  I had always put the blame on myself a lot for some of it, and even beat myself up over it both emotionally and mentally.  It's been a long hard struggle a lot of times dealing with this in her.  After becoming more aware and educated in it recently, I really see it in her now.  She may not be a full fledged covert narcissist, but she has many of the traits for sure.  The main issues with her is she has a lot of pride, she's somewhat self righteous, self centered, has very little empathy, and she's quite passive aggressive in her attitude with me. At the beginning of our marriage and dating, I was too ignorant and stupid to realize what I was getting into.  The signs were there, but I wasn't smart enough to see it then.  Physically, I was attracted to her back then, and thought that in time, the marriage would get better and improve.  Then after two kids, things were still challenging and over the years I just stuck it out because of moral reasons.  I was always taught that divorce was not an option.  However, I considered divorce after the kids were gone.  But I didn't go through with it.  I've always been a person of commitment, so it was a hard decision.  Now it's even harder being so embedded in this so called life with her. Right now, because of her behavior, I'm miserable and deal with depression a lot.  Some of that depression has to do with being this late in life and change is hard.  Family relationships, friendships and the financial situation make it hard to consider separation, but then again, I don't want to be miserable the rest of my life.  Hope in her changing... well, there's very little hope in that.  Narcissists don't change.... so I've heard anyway. I hadn't shared anything here in a while, and thought I would come and "unload my brain" on this and maybe some could offer some helpful advice.  And maybe I could do the same in this thread.  I'm not kidding when I say I'm miserable.  Maybe you are too?  Feel free to share what you like.  Supporting one another does help... 😊
Longing For Friendship And Intimacy And Dealing With Depression
50 & Over Community / by Spearman60
Last post
 March 25th
...See more I hadn't been on here much in the last few weeks, but I just felt the need to come on here and just "unload my brain" with what's troubling me. I've expressed in other threads a while back how my home life is just not very fulfilling and really just lacking companionship and friendship. My wife and I are nothing more than civil roommates anymore, with very little emotional attachment and intimacy. Nothing has happened in the past 2 years. In fact, due to her work schedule and other issues, we sleep in separate bedrooms. Often times I want to open up and talk about the "elephant in the room" but I just don't think it will accomplish anything. Our personality types seem to make it a challenge to have that conversation and to have the level of intimacy to where we can truly say we are "soul mates." I suppose that many other couples who reach the age we are (60+) and married for over 40 years, tend to reach this stage in life where marriage is reduced down to civil roommates. It does put me in a state of depression to where I'm not even wanting to leave the house to go to work. I long for friendships and intimacy, but I just can't seem to find a remedy with her. In years past, we have talked about it, but she's just doesn't have the personality type to be intimate and a soul mate to anyone. Anyway, just wanted to unload this. Thanks for anyone who takes the time to read this... 😊
"Reply" icon not showing up in some forum responses
Site Updates / by Spearman60
Last post
 May 20th, 2023
...See more I noticed that the "Reply" icon doesn't show up on some responses in my forums/threads I've started and it makes it hard to respond directly to that person. Is there a reason they don't show up on some responses like that? Thanks!
How do you deal with a passive aggressive introverted narcissitic spouse?
50 & Over Community / by Spearman60
Last post
 May 20th, 2023
...See more For many years I've dealt with this issue with my wife, and according to my other threads, it seems that others are dealing with the same thing too. How do you cope with this in your own home? Are there ways to bring about change in their behavior? What success have you had if any? I don't know about others, but I'm getting really tired of trying to cope and deal with this in my wife. I simply don't understand why she has to be this way. I'm not a hard person to get along with at all. In fact, many people who know me find me to be a pleasant and easy person to converse and get along with. So why is it such a struggle for my wife to be a loving and caring spouse towards me? Why all the head games? I just don't get it! Hopefully this can be a thread where many of us who struggle with this in our spouses can come together and maybe find some answers beside leaving and getting a divorce. I'd rather that not become an option for me, but I'll be darned if I'm going to live the rest of my life like this. I'd rather be single and on my own than deal with this anymore. So what say you? Got any advice? Or maybe you want to vent your struggles here too. If so, let-r-rip!
So tired of dealing with heartless people, even in my own home!
50 & Over Community / by Spearman60
Last post
 February 25th, 2023
...See more Today I got really frustrated. On top of dealing with this lifeless and loveless marriage, I also have to deal with my dysfunctional parents. Dad was having heart issues today when he got up from bed and he did call me and briefly told me about it. My mother decides she wants to turn her phone off for the day and make it hard to call and get updates on his issue. My baby sister got involved and drove them to the hospital (I live too far away). I've been able to get updates from her, but why the heck does my parents turn off their phones so that me, their first born, can call and find out if he's okay or dying? My gosh, what kind of parents do that? You know, it's enough to deal with my own wife and her passive aggressive introverted behavior, and the way she doesn't communicate with me about things, but I also have to deal with my dysfunctional parents and the careless way they handle things. What is wrong with people anymore that don't seem to want to have a healthy relationship with their own flesh and blood? What is this world coming too? Maybe I should just say, "heck with everyone" and just worry about myself and leave everyone alone and just stay away from them. I try to be a kind and affectionate person towards others, but it seldom gets reciprocated back to me. Can I trade a few selected relatives (especially the above mentioned) for ones that generally care about me? You know, sometimes I just want to run away with someone who is a loving person and generally cares about me and others. Are there people out there with real compassion towards others? Anyone? *sigh*
Why do I have to always be the one to breath life into this marriage?
50 & Over Community / by Spearman60
Last post
 March 16th, 2023
...See more Well, yesterday was one of my toughest days. I felt a lot of depression and anxiety over my life with her and it was just getting to me. I couldn't even focus on my hobbies or anything else. I was in an irritable mood all day. I really wanted to just run away. I'm taking the day off with the house to myself again today, hoping I can feel better. Right now, I just don't even want to go to work. What's getting to me the most is why I ALWAYS have to be the one to breath life into this marriage. If I don't maintain that, it just continues to die a slow death. It's always up to me! Why is that? Does she not care enough to do her part and to want to make it come alive and be happy with it? I don't understand why she just backs off and shy's away when things get challenging or I get somewhat discouraged or depressed over things that may not even involve her. By the end of the day yesterday, I just wanted to go out in the middle of a field and scream my head off, or go out in the garage and take a sledge hammer to something. This challenge I'm faced with in my marriage is the kind of stuff that causes affairs. Wives who are so unwilling to take care of their husbands both emotionally and physically, it will cause some to stray and seek out an extramarital affair. Some may disagree with that, but it's true. Right now, I'm dealing with that temptation at times. I don't want to do that. But I'm just frustrated with her and tired of it all. I don't know how much more of this I can take. Someone told me in another thread suggesting that I should stop complaining so much about this. Well... I come here as an outlet to unload my brain on this in hopes that it will make me feel better. And at times it does... to connect with others who sympathizes the dilemma I'm in. So please spare me any criticism in this because that's not what I need right now. If that's all you have to offer, then please just don't contribute to this thread with your comments. No one knows or understands the full scope of what I've been dealing with here in this 40+ year marriage. I just can't believe it's come down to this... a lifeless careless marriage where the wife just won't contribute and help breath life into it. Anyway... I may regret posting this later, but it is what it is....
Ever feel lost in who you are due to marital problems, stress and anxiety?
50 & Over Community / by Spearman60
Last post
 January 15th, 2023
...See more I've shared in other threads about my 40+ year marriage, and how it has been challenging and unfulfilling in so many ways. But in the last decade or two, it seems I'm lost my sense of real purpose and fulfillment. There are days where I would just like to do a total life reset, thinking that might be the answer. But I just don't feel like I am me anymore. I suppose the ongoing stress and anxiety I face daily with my marriage really has taken it's toll on me over the years. I've come to regret my marriage choice now and I long to be with someone else who would appreciate me more and love me more than what I'm getting now. It's hard and somewhat painful to admit this, but it's true. Sometimes I'd like to just split everything down the middle and go our separate ways. But that wouldn't be easy and there will be a lot of emotional pain with that as well. So here I am, feeling stuck and no way out. Gosh I can't believe my life has come to this! But as I said, through all the years in dealing with this, I seem to have lost who I am. I seem to have lost a sense of purpose and fulfillment. Some days I get up and I just don't want to go anywhere or do anything. In a mild way, I'm almost losing my will to live. No, I'm not suicidal and I certainly wouldn't carry that out. Too scary to think about! But I have no ambition most days. I don't have much drive to accomplish meaningful things. I'm losing who I am. Are there others out there feeling the same?
Why does a spouse have to make a marriage such a challenge?
50 & Over Community / by Spearman60
Last post
 January 15th, 2023
...See more I often wonder why people have to make a relationship such a challenge sometimes. I've been married a long time over 40 years and I still deal with same issues in all four decades of our marriage. Maybe it's me but I just have a hard time catering to people who seem to want to sit back and wait for you to make the first move. My wife and her family have always been that way. You walk into a family gathering and it's met with the attitude of "well you going to speak to me or not?" I'm not trying to sound petty or anything but sometimes you just get tired of being the one who has to initiate the conversation all the time. Does anybody get what I mean? I'm actually married to someone like that and it even affects our physical relationship or the lack thereof. I want to ask... in a marital relationship is it always up to the husband to initiate physical intimacy? I've never understood why she's that way. It's as though she could take it or leave it, and it doesn't really matter if it happens or not. She even told me one time in so many words that she figures if I wanted it, I'd come around for it. What does that even mean anyway? Are we saying "hey I can live without it but you know, if you need it, you can let me know?" Yeah I know it's hard to believe that I've dealt with this for four decades, but it's true. And right now I've reached a point my life with I'm tired of it. On top of that my wife is passive aggressive and such an introvert it just makes it hard. I hope it's okay to share all this. I just came to this group or forum days ago just to have a place to vent this out and to talk about it. Maybe someone else out there is dealing with the same thing and maybe we can help each other with some advice.... 😊
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