Trex1983 Member Profile

Christmas Day lows...

35 & Over Community / by Trex1983

April 20th

...See more Really struggling today. It started in bed with my wife... I cuddled up to her, stroking her - she was cold as ice... stared at the TV didn't look at me or flinch. My son came in, and talked with us... she said something and responded negatively about me, belittling me. This happens a lot... everything that she says about me is always negative. I'm useless, I'm lazy. So this time, I quipped back... "Do you always jump to something negative about me when you think about me?" to which she replied without a moment to think or any hesitation "Yes". Then started the downward spiral... I put lots of thought into, and spent money that we don't have, on presents for her. She didn't seem to like, want or appreciate any of them. My mum died 10 years ago, it was her birthday 2 days ago, I started dwelling on that, and that we needed to go the cemetery still. Then started the worst bits... 15 months ago I found that she had been cheating on me. She's been suffering with health problems and stopped any intimate contact from her to me 4-5 years ago. She's shot me down with anything sexual or intimate ever since, and sex has been once every 1-2 months. She claimed this was because of her health and that she just didn't feel like anything sexual as a result. Anyway, I found that she had been messaging and meeting up with some guy... She'd performed oral sex on him, and planned to meet up with him for intercourse. Planned to tell me that she was going out with friends but was going to join him at a hotel instead. At the time, she did tell me that she was going out with friends, but then cancelled her plans and didn't go. After finding out what happened with them I confronted her and tried to work through things... I found that the time she performed oral sex on him, she went to the cemetery with him, and afterwards went to the car park of a supermarket and performed oral sex on him in his car... and that's where my connection started today. I was so low about my mum and dad, having a bad day already, and then my head got stuck on the cemetery... what she did last time she was there, and how that's something she won't and likely never will do with me. And now my head is stuck with it going around and around.

Would I be missed?

35 & Over Community / by Trex1983

December 30th, 2024

Dealing with the lows…

35 & Over Community / by Trex1983

April 20th

...See more I’m feeling so low today. Today should have been a good day, I went with my family to see a public fireworks display for bonfire night (UK), but before we went, feeling low and having negative thoughts and feelings, I asked my wife to tell me one thing she liked about me. Instead of telling me one thing, she berated me about all of things she had done and endured this weekend that I think as a loving partner we should do for each other. She didn’t tell me anything that she liked about me, instead at the end, she told me “Right now, there’s nothing I like about you”. We went to the display, seconds before getting out of the car, I saw WhatsApp open on her phone (in her hand), with a message from a number (not a name, why would she be messaging someone that isn’t in her phone book?)… the last message “You too 🥰” to which she’d reacted to the message with a ❤️ she quickly swiped it off and I didn’t see anymore. Back story, she’d been cheating on me, I found messages on her *** messenger, but in the messages they’d moved the conversation to WhatsApp, and she had deleted his number previously so I’ve never been able to see what she’s messaging him on WhatsApp. Everything in my head was struggling to come up with any explanation other than, they’re messaging again. I walked the 40 minutes to display with tears slowly rolling down my face as I walked, holding little boys hand. Nobody noticed, nobody cared, and I couldn’t hold them in. Throughout the night, I managed to find that she had been messaging our niece to wish our nephew a happy birthday. They hadn’t spoken in over a year and didn’t have her number. I do have her number and verified it was who she said it was, but if she hadn’t been secretive and I had seen more of the messages, I wouldn’t have gotten so low. Fast forwards a few hours, we’re in bed. I get no intimacy, no touch from her anyway, and the dog jumps on the bed. The dog that she always says to leave her alone, he smells etc. I’m the dog person, he’s my dog. She starts hugging and cuddling with the dog… waaayyyy more contact than she would do with me, and I’m back to this low again. I know that both of these are jealousy, and that they’re probably hitting me when I’m already feeling down, but my big question is how do you/I manage these feelings. Control them instead of them controlling me? I’ve never had this problem until I found out about her cheating, and other than dealing with grief of losing my parents I’ve never been depressed until finding out about it either. I tried reaching out to my GP for help, they did nothing. I’d hoped that they could give me something to just take the edge off so that I could start healing. It’s so hard to show someone affection and love when you feel so down about them. Is there a technique that you use to manage this? I always remember training on dealing with anxiety for public speaking and a technique to bring adrenaline down was to occupy your consciousness with 2 things, your brain can’t subconsciously cope with a third, and the tool was to focus on a feather that you’re holding in front of your face and to blow on it to make it wave steadily. The tool in that instance really does work and takes away the nerves. So I guess I’m wondering if there are any words of wisdom, tips or tools that can help to just take my mind away from that place when I’m feeling like this until I’m ready to process it. thanks in advance if there are any such tips

How does a woman’s mind work?

Relationship Stress / by Trex1983

October 15th, 2024

...See more My wife and I are are going through a tough spot at the moment, in short found out that she has been cheating on me with another guy. She claims it’s cos she doesn’t get enough attention (messages) from me in a day to make her feel good (though that’s a 2-way street in my book). I gave her an ultimatum, she chooses him or me. She claims she was stupid and made a mistake and didn’t choose him. Anyway, since then I’ve been working really hard on us, it’s make or break in my view. I wouldn’t want to look back and think that I didn’t try and give it my all. Shes getting the messages, seemingly liking the attention, and seemingly loving me going down on her and the sex if I don’t make her *** beforehand, but… she’s doesn’t want to do anything to me. She won’t even touch me when we’re lay in bed and I’ve just made her ***. I’ve never been a selfish lover, I’ve always made sure there’s lots of foreplay and made her ***, so I can’t say it’s pay back or anything. All I’ve got in my head is that I must be repulsive, she touched him and did stuff with him, does that mean she has chosen him, is stuff still going on with him, is there any future for us… and it’s spirals and spirals downwards quickly in my mind. I’m the kind of person that can’t stay angry or upset with people for very long, I see something positive and move on, but my head is broken at the moment and these thoughts just get more and more negative to the points that I finally fell asleep in tears last night, and I wake not snapping out of feeling so low. Can any women out there offer any insight? She’s the one that cheated here, I am obviously working really hard on my part to show her how much she means to me, how beautiful she is and how much she is wanted, which she claims I’m not at every opportunity, but she’s not reciprocating, I feel ugly as ***, worthless and hopeless as a result. Walking through the playground to pick my kids up from school today I saw someone walking in front wearing a sweater, it read: “To the person behind me reading this, the world is a better place with you in it. Love, the person in front of you”… that cut deep and I struggled to stop myself from filling up.

Feeling rock bottom today

35 & Over Community / by Trex1983

October 15th, 2024

...See more I’m in a rut today, and need lifting out. If anyone has seen my other post recently, there’s a lot going on at the moment. This morning my wife is behaving differently, like she’s down but she claims she isn’t and there’s nothing to talk about. It could just be that she’s on her period, but I’m questioning whether any of her behaviours have ever been because of the things that she’s said they are now… and so started the slippery slope this morning. i found myself questioning more and more in my head. I feel like I shouldn’t be trusted to be alone with my thoughts. Negative thoughts keep winning. 🙁 The other guy, and doing things in his car was “exciting”… do I ever excite her? (in my head “pah! Don’t be stupid”) will I ever get her excited again? (In my head “no chance”) Ive been trying anything and everything, but she still just isn’t trying for us. Everything I try to give her attention, speak to her, she shuts me down. Nothing has changed, nothing is improving and I feel like she’s not committing to trying for us, she certainly isn’t fighting to save us like I feel I am. Ive managed to get my head from feeling ok this morning, feeling like throwing the towel in and giving up. anyone with any wise words of advice or encouragement?

Lost

35 & Over Community / by Trex1983

December 29th, 2025

...See more Hi, New here and first time poster. Short version, I f****d up, she f****d up more and multiple times. She’s my soul mate, best friend and I love her no matter what. She doesn’t appreciate anything I do and picks holes and doesn’t appreciate anything thing I do or try to do. We went from being on cloud 9, to suddenly our marriage has had no intimacy for 2 years now despite me keep trying. I found out last week that she’s been doing sexual things with another guy for the last year and was arranging to go further, this guy doesn’t reply to her one week to the next and isn’t better looking than me or anything. I know I shouldn’t have been snooping but I was feeling rock bottom and my instincts told me something was wrong. That really is the short version, there’s lots of complications of sexuality mixed in (both of us), and I’m not at all saying it’s all her fault. I feel like I’m completely lost, my brain is broken. A number of years ago both of my parents passed away, my mum suddenly and unexpectedly, and my head broke, going around and around like a stuck record with no answers. My head feels like this again. I’m barely eating, I feel like I could burst into tears at any time, I’m struggling to sleep and I can’t concentrate. I feel completely unattractive. My wife doesn’t even want to touch me, or kiss me (and I don’t even mean sexually) and hasn’t for a long time now. It’s like I repulse her. She told me that it was because of her own health issues that she had just gone off everything, now I know to clearly not be true. I didn’t think I could feel any lower before I found out, but this last week has been a living ***. To make matters worse, the night after I found out, the night that I confronted her. She continued to lie, I told her that if she chooses him over me, then she should pack a bag and move in with him. I haven’t been loud aggressive or scary through finding any of this or discussing it. Maybe I should have been? She doesn’t think I’m man enough anymore? Anyway, whilst I was out working, she tried to take an overdose of paracetamol, didn’t get very far and threw them all back up. I didn’t know about this until days later, any damage to her health will already be done. If I’d known I would have been on to a crisis line. She hasnt moved out, and has said she hasn’t chosen him, but she hasn’t said she’s choosing me either. She won’t talk to me, I’ve tried to engage in conversation and it mostly gets ignored which then gets me over thinking that they’re still messaging each other, maybe he isn’t the only one. Is she just biding her time so that she can move out on her own terms. She won’t tell me anything. In bed last night I asked her if she wanted to snuggle, her answer “if you want to”. She snuggled up. Of course I want her to, I want my wife back, I want to feel her close to me and feel her love and affection for me. But she wouldn’t touch me (put her hand on me anyway, keeping her hands to herself). I put my arm around her, but then I found myself questioning myself, is this what she wants? Am I upsetting her more by touching her? And if I don’t put my arm around her, does she think there’s no future for us and we can’t move through this. Eventually after stroking her hair, which I know she loves, she turned over to go to sleep and said I could snuggle up to her (which typically means spoon for us) if I carry on stroking her hair. What’s come out in the last few days is that she’s offended by this, as I almost always get a hard on when spooning her, and she can feel it but ignores it. Her remarks in the last few days is that me sticking my d**k into her is not be trying to be close to her. So last night I carried on stroking her but didn’t spoon her. Now my head is a mess with another should I / shouldn’t I question, that I don’t have the answers to. I have so many doubts and questions flying around in my head and I don’t have any answers. I feel like I’m being eaten away from the inside out. I don't have any friends that I can confide in and can’t afford therapy. Right now, I’d love to hear whether someone else has been in a similar situation and managed to get out the other side with their partner. Have things worked out. I’ve seen a few posts from other people in similar situations, but don’t see the outcome. How can I or should I interact with my wife? How can I get to open to me, both conversationally and intimately (and I don’t mean sex right now, though the fact that she’s been doing everything she tells me she doesn’t like and has withheld from me for the last 2 years with some guy who doesn’t even give a damn other than to message her for a booty call, is driving me insane)? So many questions and so sorry this post went on longer than I planned. I just feel so lost.

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