Lost
Hi,
New here and first time poster.
Short version, I f****d up, she f****d up more and multiple times. She’s my soul mate, best friend and I love her no matter what. She doesn’t appreciate anything I do and picks holes and doesn’t appreciate anything thing I do or try to do. We went from being on cloud 9, to suddenly our marriage has had no intimacy for 2 years now despite me keep trying. I found out last week that she’s been doing sexual things with another guy for the last year and was arranging to go further, this guy doesn’t reply to her one week to the next and isn’t better looking than me or anything. I know I shouldn’t have been snooping but I was feeling rock bottom and my instincts told me something was wrong. That really is the short version, there’s lots of complications of sexuality mixed in (both of us), and I’m not at all saying it’s all her fault.
I feel like I’m completely lost, my brain is broken. A number of years ago both of my parents passed away, my mum suddenly and unexpectedly, and my head broke, going around and around like a stuck record with no answers. My head feels like this again. I’m barely eating, I feel like I could burst into tears at any time, I’m struggling to sleep and I can’t concentrate. I feel completely unattractive.
My wife doesn’t even want to touch me, or kiss me (and I don’t even mean sexually) and hasn’t for a long time now. It’s like I repulse her. She told me that it was because of her own health issues that she had just gone off everything, now I know to clearly not be true.
I didn’t think I could feel any lower before I found out, but this last week has been a living ***. To make matters worse, the night after I found out, the night that I confronted her. She continued to lie, I told her that if she chooses him over me, then she should pack a bag and move in with him. I haven’t been loud aggressive or scary through finding any of this or discussing it. Maybe I should have been? She doesn’t think I’m man enough anymore? Anyway, whilst I was out working, she tried to take an overdose of paracetamol, didn’t get very far and threw them all back up. I didn’t know about this until days later, any damage to her health will already be done. If I’d known I would have been on to a crisis line.
She hasnt moved out, and has said she hasn’t chosen him, but she hasn’t said she’s choosing me either. She won’t talk to me, I’ve tried to engage in conversation and it mostly gets ignored which then gets me over thinking that they’re still messaging each other, maybe he isn’t the only one. Is she just biding her time so that she can move out on her own terms. She won’t tell me anything.
In bed last night I asked her if she wanted to snuggle, her answer “if you want to”. She snuggled up. Of course I want her to, I want my wife back, I want to feel her close to me and feel her love and affection for me. But she wouldn’t touch me (put her hand on me anyway, keeping her hands to herself). I put my arm around her, but then I found myself questioning myself, is this what she wants? Am I upsetting her more by touching her? And if I don’t put my arm around her, does she think there’s no future for us and we can’t move through this.
Eventually after stroking her hair, which I know she loves, she turned over to go to sleep and said I could snuggle up to her (which typically means spoon for us) if I carry on stroking her hair. What’s come out in the last few days is that she’s offended by this, as I almost always get a hard on when spooning her, and she can feel it but ignores it. Her remarks in the last few days is that me sticking my d**k into her is not be trying to be close to her. So last night I carried on stroking her but didn’t spoon her. Now my head is a mess with another should I / shouldn’t I question, that I don’t have the answers to.
I have so many doubts and questions flying around in my head and I don’t have any answers. I feel like I’m being eaten away from the inside out.
I don't have any friends that I can confide in and can’t afford therapy.
Right now, I’d love to hear whether someone else has been in a similar situation and managed to get out the other side with their partner. Have things worked out. I’ve seen a few posts from other people in similar situations, but don’t see the outcome.
How can I or should I interact with my wife? How can I get to open to me, both conversationally and intimately (and I don’t mean sex right now, though the fact that she’s been doing everything she tells me she doesn’t like and has withheld from me for the last 2 years with some guy who doesn’t even give a damn other than to message her for a booty call, is driving me insane)?
So many questions and so sorry this post went on longer than I planned. I just feel so lost.
@Trex1983
Hey, welcome to Cups! My name is H and I am part of the Community Team here to help new members like yourself learn the platform. To start you out, here's a basic guide on how 7 Cups works:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1M53Nm5-pbtxx2_jKfXYgYzo3NgXxjNfMwfzVSRC1rZg/
If you have any questions, do let me know. I'm happy to help!
So I have been in a very similar situation. My marriage went on for 12 years. 9 years into it she started to change and grow distant. In the end, we divorced and had 2 kids in the mix. We’ve been divorced for 6 years now and it has been a rugged journey of healing. I don’t know if I can post the “outcome” here because for one I’m still living it and it’s changing constantly. We’ve gone from best friends to lovers/married to divorced/enemy’s and back to friends again. She recently reached out for more than a friendship and I answered. Now I’m wondering if it was a fluke or if it’s real.
Know that every situation is different and every outcome is different. If there’s kids in the mix, the outcome is lifelong so it’s hard to give an answer to that.
The thing I know for sure is that you have to stay strong and that nothing you do will change her mind about anything unless you start talking with her, but be respectful of boundaries.
Tell her how you’re feeling and how her decisions may make her happy now but they also affect your relationship.
Be honest, loving and calm about every word you say and action you take. The results are a coin toss.
Just remember, you’re never alone in any situation. Reaching out and talking with somebody, be it a friend or family member can help. Sometimes talking with a stranger is easier and more comfortable. If you’re experiencing trouble with focusing, find a hobby or something that would normally keep you busy mentally and physically. But mainly remember that You’re A Stronger Person Than You Think, after all you’re here!! I believe in you!!
I will sub and if you need to chat with someone I’ll be around. I’m new so I don’t know how everything works. I’ll check back as often as possible.
@Trex1983
First of all, mate, I came here from a recent post you made to get a better picture and decided to click this old post you did last year.
For starters, I can see the problem clearly. And by this, I don't mean to diagnose you or be smug, but I'm speaking from a distance so I can see things much better as just an observer.
I've seen this dynamic play out all over the place and think my views are pretty grounded. Hence, this is my take:
1. You want your wife to choose you.
2. Your wife choosing another man is affecting your mental health.
3. Your wife seeing how attached you are to her turns her off (I know this might suck a bit, but that's how I see it and most others would too, so I'm telling it to you straight).
4. Your wife KNOWS you care more about her than she does for you and is using it her advantage (yes, she is manipulative and heartless).
5. Your wife does not care about you or your family. She's just putting up a front to keep receiving the benefits of free housing, free food, and a supportive/loyal human that will let her walk all over him without consequence. (This may sound harsh, and may seem like I'm trying to attack you, but please believe me, I'm not. I'm just trying to be honest as best as I can to put some light on things from my own view. I hope I haven't offended you too much. Sorry again. Please do note that I'm on your side, mate).
6. You are attached to the "idea" of your wife and a loving family without realizing that she is not "that" wife that can give you a loving family.
7. Your belief in soul mates is nice, but it could be clouding your judgement from seeing clearly the insidious truth behind human nature. Things are not all sunshine and rainbows and we are not all good creatures. We manipulative, abuse, and use each other unfairly at times for our own gain. It is only through the word of God or whatever spiritual doctrines / moral codes that guide our behaviour. Without them, and we pretend, lie, deceive, use, and mock the efforts of those around us (seems to me like that's what your wife is doing).
8. Your wife does not care about you. She's only with you out of your utility. Without that, and she'd jump to her lover (or lovers) in an instance. (please let that sink in, and slowly if you must. Pause yourself from reading, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and reflect on her behaviours untill now in relation this point you just read)
9. The person you married is not the person sleeping beside you coldly in bed. She's changed. The marriage has changed. The only one that has not changed may still be you.
10. You have a son to protect. A son to raise. A son who is going to look up to you to see how you handle situations. And believe it or not, he may eventually find out. Children aren't stupid. They can pick up ques as fast a cheetah but keep their mouths shut and suffer in silence; the confusion and agony of being in a family where a parent is doing something undeniably "wrong" while the other just watches as if they are harmless and not the provider and protector which they should be (which you may appear to them, even if they don't say it, but their body language may show it over time. Your son may distance himself from you emotionally after observing your lack of action to deal with your wife's tantrums effectively like a man, a provider, and a self-respecting man that he can look up to).
11. Your wife is not the "end-all-be-all" of reality. I've been in very weird consciousness and soul groups and one thing I've learnt is that this life is not the only one. I've had Out-of-body experiences where my soul leaves my body so I know that to be true. While I haven't had direct experience with my soul-mate, I do know that they're out there. And before we meet them, we may have expperinces with other souls (such as your wife) that teach us what we'd like from our actual soul-mate (such as intimacy and warmth which the past souls we've interacted with did not give). If someone doesn't "feel" like our soul-mate after some time, then they probably aren't. But that doesn't mean we have to become anxious to look for one right now. We can chill out, relax, and enjoy the experience in this human body. After all, if we don't find them in this life, then maybe the next. Our souls/consciousness have a different mode of operating, guaranteeing them a long existence in multiple realities even when our bodies die. Hence, no pressure. We'll eventually find the one that is meant for us; maybe in a different timeline, in different galaxy, or in a different reality where the laws of thermodynamics cease to exist. Wherever they are, we will eventually find them. We just have to stay strong in our faith.
12. Your soul mate will love you and cherish you for exactly who you are. Don't let one marriage stop you from seeing that. As I've said about our souls above, whether you don't find her in this life, then maybe the next. Or who knows, you might find her when you finally decide to take a break from your current home situation and go adventuring somewhere on whim (try hiking in nature with a group. Pretty sweet to socialise and meet new people ontop of clearing your perspective to welcome new opportunities and experiences).
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In conclusion, these are my takes. Again, I apologise if they came off a bit too strong. I couldn't see another way to say it since I'm typing a bit fast here to capture my thoughts as plainly and raw as they come.
If you have any concerns or think I may be wrong somewhere, do let me know and we could discuss. I'd be happy to help you see things through. (PS: not a therapist, just another human here)
@Axovizure out.... :)