Christmas Day lows...
Really struggling today. It started in bed with my wife... I cuddled up to her, stroking her - she was cold as ice... stared at the TV didn't look at me or flinch.
My son came in, and talked with us... she said something and responded negatively about me, belittling me. This happens a lot... everything that she says about me is always negative. I'm useless, I'm lazy. So this time, I quipped back... "Do you always jump to something negative about me when you think about me?" to which she replied without a moment to think or any hesitation "Yes".
Then started the downward spiral... I put lots of thought into, and spent money that we don't have, on presents for her. She didn't seem to like, want or appreciate any of them. My mum died 10 years ago, it was her birthday 2 days ago, I started dwelling on that, and that we needed to go the cemetery still. Then started the worst bits... 15 months ago I found that she had been cheating on me. She's been suffering with health problems and stopped any intimate contact from her to me 4-5 years ago. She's shot me down with anything sexual or intimate ever since, and sex has been once every 1-2 months. She claimed this was because of her health and that she just didn't feel like anything sexual as a result. Anyway, I found that she had been messaging and meeting up with some guy... She'd performed oral sex on him, and planned to meet up with him for intercourse. Planned to tell me that she was going out with friends but was going to join him at a hotel instead. At the time, she did tell me that she was going out with friends, but then cancelled her plans and didn't go. After finding out what happened with them I confronted her and tried to work through things... I found that the time she performed oral sex on him, she went to the cemetery with him, and afterwards went to the car park of a supermarket and performed oral sex on him in his car... and that's where my connection started today. I was so low about my mum and dad, having a bad day already, and then my head got stuck on the cemetery... what she did last time she was there, and how that's something she won't and likely never will do with me. And now my head is stuck with it going around and around.
@Trex1983
🥺
I'm so sorry you lost your mum, my condolences and you were feeling down about your parents and got no support 💚
Your wife has no right to belittle and insult you and be so cold towards you.
I'm sorry she cheated on you also.
I hope you know you deserve better.
It might be time to have a very difficult but very honest conversation, where you can see if there's a way forward 💚
Thanks for your reply… things got worse as the day went on. She randomly decided to have a bath and go to bed at 6.30pm in the evening… seemed suspicious… so when she went to the bath… I checked if she was on ***. She normally blocks her location and online status from me… but for some reason it was turned on and I could see that she was on *** every few minutes. I made an excuse to go in the bathroom whilst she was showing online (offered to make her a coffee). And she quickly swiped off *** and pretended to be scrolling through ***. My head was in overdrive.
I didn’t say anything to her about it, but when I checked this morning, she’s been back on *** and hidden her online status from me again.
I tried to initiate intimacy… blocked at every turn (I don’t mean sex, just touch and being close).
We went out together this morning… knowing that she told me previously that she had messaged other guys previously that lead to her cheating on me was because it was exciting. I told her how much I wanted her, shot down, she wants to make bread when we get home. So I suggested that whilst we’re out, we find somewhere quiet and have some fun in the car (what she did with the guy last time, and how she’d found that exciting). Shot down again, this time told “I’m coming up with stupid things”
Now left thinking how stupid I am, how could she ever want to be intimate with me when there are millions of other men she could choose from?
Another day of feeling low… if my wife could never want to be intimate with me, show me she wants me and loves me, even with just meaningful touch, then will anyone ever… and what’s the purpose of life if I’ll never feel affectionately loved again?
I came back into the house thinking, my neighbours had to have an ambulance out to them yesterday, Christmas Day of all days… if that was me… I won’t be calling an ambulance… it will just be my time to naturally end this pain.
@Trex1983
You cannot let your wife dictate your worth.
She's getting caught up in other things and not putting her marriage first.
It will be difficult but you need to express how you feel and decide if this marriage is for you anymore.
You deserve affection and closeness and someone to put in the sane work you are and effort.
Don't ever think, that other women wouldn't find you desirable.
That's not true.
💚
@Trex1983
I am guessing you do not have a good emotional connection. marriage and intimacy often are tied to how a person feels about their partner the negative thoughts make it harder to feel fun and flirty with you. Deal with those feelings and connection first, the other things will follow.
Have a real deep conversation if you want to save something ... no assumptions ... no tracking her socials or phone but actually talk and more important Listen. Connect on a emotional / friends level asap because once it is gone it is gone. if you want to recreate something remind her why you both wanted to be together. Find a way to listen / flirt/ compliment or whatever she is getting from chatting/ meeting someone new.
When anyone is chatting with someone or even let the idea of going outside of their relationship often do not feel emotionally connected to their partner. If you want the same attraction or physical acts it is not about creating similar situation .. it was about the connection. What she found exciting was NOT the car or the place it was parked.
Please pray you will feel better soon
Hun this sounds so tough! I'm sorry you're going through it. Keep moving forward 🫂
Sorry you're going through that, I went through something similar. But it was a long time ago. Sometimes you just have to move on to bigger and better things.
Listen to me. Go to the gym, focus on you. Smile at strangers. People like her wants someone who's out of reach. Be so out of reach she will come begging you. Be unstoppable my guy.
@1mhereforyoubuddy
"People like her want someone who's out of reach"
This.
Sounds counterintuitive, but it's true. Human nature, especially of certain people, is weird.
In order for them to want you, you have to stop wanting them, needing them, or giving them validation nor the time of day.
They will realize your worth only when you're not around.
@Trex1983
That must be tough to deal with. I'm sorry to hear you had to go through that whole ordeal. My sympathies, mate.
I don't like things like this happening, and especially to good men.
I'm very impressed that you're taking it all in with a calm demeanour (I presume). Many would freak out over this and spiral or lash out.
I feel like there's more to it, and don't mean to pry, but you can reach out to discuss this further if you feel like it. You know, just to have another human listen and bounce off some ideas to clear your mind : )
Respond when you can. I'm open to hearing you and will keep everything confidential.
Wishing you the best of outcomes in this situation.
@Trex1983
Hey, I may have some unorthodox ideas that will most likely get your wife to desire you again (I'm assuming that's what you want) and even initiate physical contact or even more, of her own volition.
Not sure if you're open to hearing it, so a quick response shall let me know to continue. You can also give me more details so I can craft this idea properly to match your situation.
@Trex1983
I am so sorry that she has done this. You don't deserve this level of betrayal. What do you wish to do?
@Trex1983 I have had Christmas Day lows mine way women’s period and stress and sweating and rainy days and feeling alone I enjoyed some time with my dog Starbucks and exercise walking
@Trex1983
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Anyone would be struggling in your position.
Being met with constant negativity from the person you love is incredibly painful, especially when it happens repeatedly. Hearing her say she always thinks negatively about you is the kind of thing that cuts deep. It makes complete sense that your thoughts are looping. I want you to know that you’re not useless, lazy, or unworthy. You sound like someone who’s been trying, loving, and holding on while carrying far more than is fair. The fact that you’re hurting this much says something about how much you cared, not about any failure on your part.
You don’t need to fix everything today. Just getting through this moment is enough. Be gentle with yourself!