User564 Member Profile

...See more Hi, always having so much on my mind but when it comes to actually talking/writing it down then it's all gone, blank. It's gonna be really messy cause I don't know how to line up it correctly and my grammary ain't good. Firsti I want to tell about my story, secondary the point where I am today. Last years I have been dealing with depression and anxiety, it's mostly cause of school. Met new friends and skipped all the classes, after this had problems with school. Luckly it didn't last for a long, got mental health problems and found out these aren't my people to hang out but then It was little late, one year was passed and had to repeat the class. Mental health caused me feel strange way, made me think of my existence and made me isolate from people, I was really scared of everything, felt like stuck in time or some world made up by my thoughts. Going outside was nightmare, orange/yellow color of street lamps made me feel so anxious, always needed to have music. Had even panic attacks. Suddenly started playing games cause I couldn't stand the real world anymore, everything were so off, even home didn't felt like a place where I could feel safe. I had noone to talk with but made some internet friends from games and really enjoyed it. Back to school, had to repeat the class, no choice cause it all brought problems with child protection.I signed up for a new school and started to go to school but missed a lot of classes, somehow managed to finish the class even though it was really hard for me. Next year the pattern repeated, I broke down and didn't make it through, another wasted year. But with time my mental health healed, step by step I started to get back in ''real life'', got over these weird feelings somewhat. At the start of new school year I went to study again and cause of corona we had online classes, passed the class over rocks and stumps like always. And now it's current school year, still struggling going there but somehow doing it. I have overcome from the past feels, it has left some inside scars but also have made me understand the world and people way more than I did before... 2 happy years to go:) I have started to care too much how I be which is dragging me down badly, it's actually from primary school but now it's everyday topic. I'm not a therapist but I could call it as body dysmorphia, it's not actually new, had start from 4th class when I used to suck my belly in to look thinner even tho I wasn't fat and it's bearing with me since then, over years it have grown more and more. Now I just overall hate the way I am, comparing myself with others, all the insecurities, seeing myself just ugly as hell. I have missed so much things cause of this feeling, including school classes. Can’t just stand my own feelings. Recently messed up my 3 year relationship, the guy wanted to meet me irl for the first time, he were talking about meeting a lot but I just wasn't mentally ready for it, all the thoughts what if he doesn't like me and ect were over it. He knew mostly everything of my feelings, it was his own choice and I let him go. Kind of regret it but I believe it was the best for us. Now it's my everyday life being stressed, crying over my insecurities, randomly sad, lack of motivation, anxiety and fogginess, literally I'm forgetting everything and don't have focus on right things. I have noone to talk with, I even like the feeling of being alone but i hate being lonely. Games are still a thing, being online on all the time but not even sure if i enjoy them or use as escape again:(

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