I don’t even know.. story of part of my life?
Hi, always having so much on my mind but when it comes to actually talking/writing it down then it's all gone, blank. It's gonna be really messy cause I don't know how to line up it correctly and my grammary ain't good. Firsti I want to tell about my story, secondary the point where I am today.
Last years I have been dealing with depression and anxiety, it's mostly cause of school. Met new friends and skipped all the classes, after this had problems with school. Luckly it didn't last for a long, got mental health problems and found out these aren't my people to hang out but then It was little late, one year was passed and had to repeat the class. Mental health caused me feel strange way, made me think of my existence and made me isolate from people, I was really scared of everything, felt like stuck in time or some world made up by my thoughts. Going outside was nightmare, orange/yellow color of street lamps made me feel so anxious, always needed to have music. Had even panic attacks. Suddenly started playing games cause I couldn't stand the real world anymore, everything were so off, even home didn't felt like a place where I could feel safe. I had noone to talk with but made some internet friends from games and really enjoyed it. Back to school, had to repeat the class, no choice cause it all brought problems with child protection.I signed up for a new school and started to go to school but missed a lot of classes, somehow managed to finish the class even though it was really hard for me. Next year the pattern repeated, I broke down and didn't make it through, another wasted year. But with time my mental health healed, step by step I started to get back in ''real life'', got over these weird feelings somewhat. At the start of new school year I went to study again and cause of corona we had online classes, passed the class over rocks and stumps like always. And now it's current school year, still struggling going there but somehow doing it. I have overcome from the past feels, it has left some inside scars but also have made me understand the world and people way more than I did before... 2 happy years to go:)
I have started to care too much how I be which is dragging me down badly, it's actually from primary school but now it's everyday topic. I'm not a therapist but I could call it as body dysmorphia, it's not actually new, had start from 4th class when I used to suck my belly in to look thinner even tho I wasn't fat and it's bearing with me since then, over years it have grown more and more. Now I just overall hate the way I am, comparing myself with others, all the insecurities, seeing myself just ugly as hell. I have missed so much things cause of this feeling, including school classes. Can’t just stand my own feelings. Recently messed up my 3 year relationship, the guy wanted to meet me irl for the first time, he were talking about meeting a lot but I just wasn't mentally ready for it, all the thoughts what if he doesn't like me and ect were over it. He knew mostly everything of my feelings, it was his own choice and I let him go. Kind of regret it but I believe it was the best for us. Now it's my everyday life being stressed, crying over my insecurities, randomly sad, lack of motivation, anxiety and fogginess, literally I'm forgetting everything and don't have focus on right things. I have noone to talk with, I even like the feeling of being alone but i hate being lonely.
Games are still a thing, being online on all the time but not even sure if i enjoy them or use as escape again:(
@User564
You are enough, and I hope that you find some listeners to talk to who can help you work this out. I know it can be hard to open up, but it sounds like you are aware of the mistakes you've made along the way, and that's halfway to a real solution. Take care.
@User564 Hello there, hope you are still hang there!
Firstly, I just wanna to give you a virtual hug. You are good enough, but I understand knowing "I am good enough" sometimes just doesn't enough to get us out of stuck. What done is done, aware it, accept it, embrace it and let yourself feel whatever feeling is. Take it easy, give yourself a time and I hope you can find a listener or therapist can help/support you on the way. Wish you all the best.
It's been year and half since I wrote this, one of the lowest times have came and it reminded the text I wrote, thought I should come and make update on it. If I be honest then nothing has changed expect being stressed, after year on different meds I finally got on some that suppress my feelings, no more crying but dark thoughts aren't gone, if anything then worse than before. As said then nothing basically has changed, still playing games, still in 10th class, still as lonely as before... same old. Only difference between this and last text will be my location, we moved. Mom got in argument with the guy who rented apartment for us and it were 2 horrible weeks, we found new place quickly but since then I just have been so stressed over everything that happened, been overeating every single day, I just can't control myself anymore somehow. So yeah, could say life has been the same for as long as I can remember.
Actually something good has happen as well! My cat after 11 years of living together finally seems to like me, he comes to me everyday and it makes me truly happy. Before he wouldn't even step in my room:,)
@User564
Thank you for the update! It seems like things are still kinda the same, yet, still reaching out. There is always support in good, bad, ugly times. And great to hear the 11 year old kitty warmed up to you! aya!
@User564 Hello,
@User564
The first step to overcome anxiety, opening up. Thank you so mush for opening up in this platform. I know it can be hard at times.
@User564 that was very brave of you, to pour your heart out like that ❤ please remember health comes before anything else like school. You should be very proud of yourself, to keep pushing through and trying your best ❤❤ remember we are all here to help you out in any way we can ❤ huggs you tightly ❤
@Tinywhisper11 Thank you for sharing your stories. Reading them is not only interesting but also instructive. I even want to adopt some experience. I can also share professional stories about my growth as a photographer and how the Depositphotos blog became a useful find for me and helped me grow as a professional. I concluded that the thirst for knowledge always bears fruit.
@StanleyBorne oh cool! What sort of photography do you do? I'd love to see some