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WEDway1971
5,505 M Moving Along
PathStep 30 Compassion hearts429 Forum posts13 Forum upvotes28 Current upvotes28 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2021 Member sinceAugust 23, 2018
Bio

Just a semi-human wanderer seeking knowledge and peace.

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Still Struggling, Even at 46
35 & Over Community / by WEDway1971
Last post
 December 30th, 2020
...See more Greetings fellow mid-lifers. I'm Jay and Im 46. I've been dealing with a serious anxiety disorder since I was 15. (I can still remember my first bad attack. It was terrifying.) I've learned a lot over the years, but I still struggle. Since being locked down for COVID (I'm in CA, USA) it's gotten worse, as I'm sure some of you can attest to. I'm trying to get out and follow my therapists instructions, but it's getting harder and harder. (I am going out today though, despite my brain screaming not to.) I also have a hard time talking about my condition with anyone, even my therapist. Seriouslty, I've apologized to my therapist several times about talking too much. I often feel guilt about my condition and that somehow, becuase it relates to thoughts and feelings, I should be able to just stop it or think differently. I also feel like I'm attention seeking when I talk about it, which stops me from sharing with my friends, which I know isn't healthy. On top of both of those, it's also a hard thing to explain. Several times I've tried to share with a work colleague and they just take it as being "nervous" or "feeling a bit anxious." It's hard to explain that sometimes your brain feels like it's on fire or that your body can revolt and go into full flight, fight or freeze mode without your control. It makes it worse that I have a good job and have had some success in my career. As if somehow that negates any possibility that I have a mental illness. "No way! You spoke at the convention last year." <--- [actual comment.] But just becuase I've learned coping and survival strategies, doesn't mean it's not there or that' it's not completely incapacitating at times. I joined 7cups last year for a while and one of the listeners genuinely helped me during one of my worst ever panic attacks, but I drifted away as I've been working with my therapist and doctor. Well, now my therapist dropped my insruance and I can't afford her fees, so I have to start all over wiht a new one. (I'm sure some of you might know how that feels.) So I wanted to lean back into my comnnuity. The worst part of all about anxiety, is that it feels like your the only one in the world who feels this way and it can be SO lonely. I'm grateful for places like this to remind us that we are not broken, or wrong, or useless. Thanks for having me.
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Anxiety is Lonely, Even at 46
35 & Over Community / by WEDway1971
Last post
 January 9th, 2021
...See more Hi all. My name is Jay andI'm 46. I've been dealing with anxiety (and some other issues) since I was a teenager and can still vividly remember my first anxiety attack. I had no idea what was happening. It was terrifying and embarassing. Early in my life, when my anxiety would hit, the lower half of my intestinal tract would react immediately and I had a an incident where I couldn't make it to the bathroom while I was having the attack. It was traumatizing and unfortunately happened several more tiems in my lofe. It took another 10 years before I was diagnosed and even after all these years, I still struggle with it almost daily. The good news is, the lower GI reaction thing went away in my late 30s. The bad news is, it just switched to my upper digestive tract. My brain still races and i still find myself incapacitated by it every so often, but I'v elearned to manage way better over the years. I've collected and developed a lot of tools, but I often still feel so lonely dealing with it. When I try to explain it to others, they often don't understand and have no context, so they think of it as just being down or "You just need to get out." or "Focus on the positive things." It's well intentioned but actually makes me even more hesitant to talk about it next time. People also dismiss me or my condition becuase of my work or hobbies. I'm a company vice president. I've published three kids science books. I'm a Humanist Celebrant. I've climbed Mt Saint Helens. I speak at big industry conventions. And Ive hosted two successful podcasts. But NONE of that has anything to do with my anxiety and none of it means I'm not suffering (sometimes unbearably so) or that it can be just as severe as any physical condition. It's one of the resaons I keep coming back to commnities like this. To talk to people who know exactly what I'm talking about and how it feels, especially at my age and stage of life. This past week over the holidays wa stough for me and not leaving the house becuase of COVID (I live in CA, USA) has made it worse. So I'm trying to lean into my comunities as best I can. Thanks for having me just as I am and not judging...
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