Still Struggling, Even at 46
Greetings fellow mid-lifers. I'm Jay and Im 46. I've been dealing with a serious anxiety disorder since I was 15. (I can still remember my first bad attack. It was terrifying.) I've learned a lot over the years, but I still struggle. Since being locked down for COVID (I'm in CA, USA) it's gotten worse, as I'm sure some of you can attest to. I'm trying to get out and follow my therapists instructions, but it's getting harder and harder. (I am going out today though, despite my brain screaming not to.)
I also have a hard time talking about my condition with anyone, even my therapist. Seriouslty, I've apologized to my therapist several times about talking too much. I often feel guilt about my condition and that somehow, becuase it relates to thoughts and feelings, I should be able to just stop it or think differently. I also feel like I'm attention seeking when I talk about it, which stops me from sharing with my friends, which I know isn't healthy. On top of both of those, it's also a hard thing to explain. Several times I've tried to share with a work colleague and they just take it as being "nervous" or "feeling a bit anxious."
It's hard to explain that sometimes your brain feels like it's on fire or that your body can revolt and go into full flight, fight or freeze mode without your control. It makes it worse that I have a good job and have had some success in my career. As if somehow that negates any possibility that I have a mental illness. "No way! You spoke at the convention last year." <--- [actual comment.] But just becuase I've learned coping and survival strategies, doesn't mean it's not there or that' it's not completely incapacitating at times.
I joined 7cups last year for a while and one of the listeners genuinely helped me during one of my worst ever panic attacks, but I drifted away as I've been working with my therapist and doctor. Well, now my therapist dropped my insruance and I can't afford her fees, so I have to start all over wiht a new one. (I'm sure some of you might know how that feels.) So I wanted to lean back into my comnnuity. The worst part of all about anxiety, is that it feels like your the only one in the world who feels this way and it can be SO lonely. I'm grateful for places like this to remind us that we are not broken, or wrong, or useless.
Thanks for having me. 
@WEDway1971
Consider this a virtual hug! You are not alone. It is so hard when we need to share our feelings and can't or don't. I know, in my case, I just don't want to face the disappointment when someone can't understand ... or worse, minimalizes my feelings ... or outright rejects my inability to change or ignore it. So, it gets bottled up. I'm also starting over, as my counselor doesn't take my current insurance ... and hoping to find some solace with 7 Cups.
@Justme1225 Yep. Totally. Most of the time it feels worse to me to try and share and be dismissed than it was to not say anything The problem with holding it in thougg is it make things worse. I like to think of it as mental gravity. (I'm a science nerd.) The more I let it out, the less density it has and the less likely it is to be heavy.
@WEDway1971
Omg Jay. I just read your post. I could have written it myself. I suffered similarly from 30 to 50 years old. Never had a panic attack but lived on the absolute verge of one nearly continuously.
I tried everything...but could never find the off switch to chill. Had therapy, counselling, exposure therapy, did my own research etc.
Eventually discovered that anti malarial drugs had been my original trigger. A great doctor eventually prescribed liquid protection in a non needed syringe. She said it would bex2 weeks if hell getting used to the minimum dose... it was. It exacerbated all the symptons. But then...peace. no symptons. I then weebed myself off after a couple of months. 1ml at a time. So slowly that my body wouldn't notice. Nothing forc10 years now. I could work and public speak but hated being on a plane,in a theatre, away on hol etc etc. Always scared.i never stopped e pjding myself though. It was so hard.so many tears. But hope and finally peace from it . Prozac isn't just an anti depressant . It stops prem ejac lol, helps with anxiety and loads more.
I hope this helps.
I do know i could never chill enough to find that anxiety off switch. I feel for you. Try and be busy and live in the moment.but seek help. Xx happy 2021
