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Wisteriaaaa
17 10,317 M Pacing Forward 3
It hurts to want to live when I want to die
PathStep 3 Compassion hearts686 Forum posts25 Forum upvotes52 Current upvotes52 Age GroupTeen Last activeSeptember, 2026 Member sinceApril 1, 2026
Bio

I was here, for whatever reasons, no one cares to know.

Recent forum posts
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OCD - a decade (TW)
OCD & Related Behaviors / by Wisteriaaaa
Last post
 Monday
...See more I wish I never existed. Why was I born?  Why am I a girl? Why am I so problematic? Why am I abnormal? Why am I broken? Why am I crazy? Why am I so wrong? Why am I not normal? Why cant I end it al forever? Why do I lack the courage? Why am I not ok? Its not ok to not be ok. Not for me. Not for anyone here. No one should be not ok at all. Its *** to not be normal.
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Relapsed
Self-Harm Recovery / by Wisteriaaaa
Last post
 April 19th
...See more I sh on Saturday and now yesterday. I dont know why but ocd wont stop. But nor does my depression. Well i was suppose to be this way, even if I tried to sl am my head on a wall and beg for the en d it wouldn't come. Yeah its a proverb in my language.  Maybe I will relapse and sh again but i dont know what to even think about it anymore. I must be lo sing myself day by day, theres not one day where i am feel all ok. Maybe its karma.  Sigh, no, i am not in crisis. I dont care if they delete this post. I feel as if someone is sta bbing my head sometimes and tbh I want to get some air alone on a ro of top for a while. But I will not go. I cant and i am too lazy to. Yea thats the reason of not wanting to be better, i know i am pathetic and i think of s all the time.  I dont deserve to be ali ve..not even grateful. I had good food and a good time yesterday, I caused the problems again. Now i am dwelling on intrusive thoughts and cri sis thoughts. Haha. No..I dont know if I should cry or go to sleep or forget or laugh.  I..know its not the solution. But I dont know why i dont feel like it. I dont want to get better i dont want to be healed, because I dont know what its like and its too alien. Change feels like drowning to me now. Take care i am done venting, nobody really cares to listen anyway. Nobody needs to and i know nobody will read this post either, nobody need to anyway.
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Remembering (TW)
Self-Harm Recovery / by Wisteriaaaa
Last post
 April 5th
...See more Its been almost a week since my urges have been sky rocketing to self harm. I am trying really hard, even slept with my blade yesterday and I didn't give in to the urges to cut. I am tired of fighting all the time. I am fighting to not break my streak of many weeks due to fear, of getting caught and compulsive behavior because I got ocd.  Compulsions kill me every single day yet I am a machine without true emotions because I forgot how to be freely happy and not feel doomed all of the time constantly if I did something out of order, feel like a shell of an insect who shed it and went away. I feel like the shadows of sea waves washing on a rocky shore. I am drifting on a leaf in a stream going..where? I am exhausted and frustrated constantly being depressed and stressed and irritated because of small things and have outbursts that are bigger than the weight of the situation, for example a small quarrel. Feeling mentally tired and physically too often of virtually going nowhere but stuck in an abyss or void in space.
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Hi, New to 7cups (Lousy Introduction?)
Depression Support / by Wisteriaaaa
Last post
 April 6th
...See more Hi everyone. I am a new member on here and I struggle with depression and self harm (sometimes). I have ocd too and have frequent outbursts, I hate that truly. I am Wisteria, I try to be happy and forget my suffering everyday and not feel the pain bu burying it under a castle of sand. But the sea waves dont stop nor does depression support a disguise of a normal happy person. I cant forget pain I cant forget no matter how much I try everyday. I often jave been able to fool myself into believing that I am ok and happy, but that is only me being distracted, not healed. This year, since 31st December and many days in January and even one or two days in the recent past months I have been not able to hold myself back from self harm even after being clean for half a year maybe before and before that I was clean for two years. I hope I can either float on the sea waves or drown in the sea peacefully. I really wonder if the pure darkness has any soft light like the blue hour of a beautiful and soft dawn. I am bad at putting my thoughts ro words not that I want to even voluntarily think of the bad and intrusive thoughts. Take care all, have a good day or night. Bye.
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