Remembering (TW)
Its been almost a week since my urges have been sky rocketing to self harm. I am trying really hard, even slept with my blade yesterday and I didn't give in to the urges to cut.
I am tired of fighting all the time. I am fighting to not break my streak of many weeks due to fear, of getting caught and compulsive behavior because I got ocd.
Compulsions kill me every single day yet I am a machine without true emotions because I forgot how to be freely happy and not feel doomed all of the time constantly if I did something out of order, feel like a shell of an insect who shed it and went away. I feel like the shadows of sea waves washing on a rocky shore. I am drifting on a leaf in a stream going..where?
I am exhausted and frustrated constantly being depressed and stressed and irritated because of small things and have outbursts that are bigger than the weight of the situation, for example a small quarrel.
Feeling mentally tired and physically too often of virtually going nowhere but stuck in an abyss or void in space.
@Wisteriaaaa
Have you ever spoken to someone about healthy coping methods that will help you in your daily life.
And getting to the root cause of why small things, make you feel so intensely.
You don't deserve to suffer in silence or harm yourself in anyway 💛
@Amanda84
Thank you, no I haven't but tried some coping mechanisms and talked to some listeners here.
First of all, Im really sorry you're feeling that way, and I can completely understand you, I know that not being able to control your reactions or your emotions can be frustrating to inimaginable levels.
Now, you need to understand a few things; those outbursts do not define you, at all, just by the way you talk about them I can tell you are a wonderfull person that's on edge and is having trouble to express their emotions. What helped me to control those moments where I just exploded better was reaching out to someone, letting someone hold me as I cried, or screamed, or looked for any way to let it all out. Talking to someone about even the tiniest things can make that heavy feeling in your chest become lighter.
And I can see that you feel stuck, but the very act of aknowledging the way you are feeling and what frustrates you is a big step through recovery, and I believe in you, I believe that you can make it.
Once again, Im sorry you're feeling this way, but you cant give up, because you deserve to get better, and you will.
I wish you the best of the lucks, and please remember, you are not alone, you never will <3
@AlyOneDay
I appreciate your supportive words Aly, thank you for reading my posy here.