Relapsed
I sh on Saturday and now yesterday. I dont know why but ocd wont stop. But nor does my depression. Well i was suppose to be this way, even if I tried to sl am my head on a wall and beg for the en d it wouldn't come. Yeah its a proverb in my language.
Maybe I will relapse and sh again but i dont know what to even think about it anymore. I must be lo sing myself day by day, theres not one day where i am feel all ok. Maybe its karma.
Sigh, no, i am not in crisis. I dont care if they delete this post. I feel as if someone is sta bbing my head sometimes and tbh I want to get some air alone on a ro of top for a while. But I will not go. I cant and i am too lazy to. Yea thats the reason of not wanting to be better, i know i am pathetic and i think of s all the time.
I dont deserve to be ali ve..not even grateful. I had good food and a good time yesterday, I caused the problems again. Now i am dwelling on intrusive thoughts and cri sis thoughts. Haha. No..I dont know if I should cry or go to sleep or forget or laugh.
I..know its not the solution. But I dont know why i dont feel like it. I dont want to get better i dont want to be healed, because I dont know what its like and its too alien. Change feels like drowning to me now.
Take care i am done venting, nobody really cares to listen anyway. Nobody needs to and i know nobody will read this post either, nobody need to anyway.
I put gaps between words because I couldn't post otherwise.
@Wisteriaaaa change is hard. It gets worse before it gets better most the time but after it all it’s needed. Once u try and and grow and make it out you’ll relize that it was hard to get better, but it was needed. You can make it out, just one step at a time 🫂
@randomxxx
I get what you are trying to say and I appreciate it.
@randomxxx
Thank you
Who am I without trauma ? That's a question I ask myself repeatedly only to come to the conclusion, you'll never know until you surrender to the thought that I deserve better , not the norm but what's my new normal without pressure or anxiety, definitely not fear . Taking all negative thoughts captive by responding with audacity, these are not my thoughts 😤 I'm nolonger allowing that voice to persuade me that these lies have now become my truth ...cagging the thoughts that once kept me bound while facing my new normal nonchalantly
Who am I without trauma ? That's a question I ask myself repeatedly only to come to the conclusion, you'll never know until you surrender to the thought that I deserve better , not the norm but what's my new normal without pressure or anxiety, definitely not fear . Taking all negative thoughts captive by responding with audacity, these are not my thoughts 😤 I'm nolonger allowing that voice to persuade me that these lies have now become my truth ...cagging the thoughts that once kept me bound while facing my new normal nonchalantly