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ambitiousZebra4329
4,029 M Seeking Light 4
PathStep 59 Compassion hearts298 Forum posts26 Forum upvotes30 Current upvotes30 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2019 Member sinceMarch 11, 2017
Recent forum posts
Self-hate, relapse, and depression (trigger warning)
Self-Harm Recovery / by ambitiousZebra4329
Last post
 September 29th, 2019
...See more I was expecting myself to relapse for quite some time and I was right about that. I was clean for 2 years, but I broke down last week and ended up cutting my fingers. This is probably the most harmless way I can express myself with at the moment. I used to harm myself more harshly in the past so I'm at least happy I'm not doing it on that level again. I think about self harm every day. I just can't see any ways to cope with my depression anymore. I feel like people around me are doing so much better. At everything. They seem to be busy, yet happy with their lives. And when I realize this I feel worse and I want to cut. I've been avoiding my friend group for quite a while, just to avoid this feeling and getting triggered. I feel so behind, and I don't see things getting better. I don't see myself achieving anything meaningful in the future, all I can think about is this never-ending feeling of hopelessness. I self harm because I deserve it, at least that is what I tell myself. "That is my punishment" Because I can never achieve anything, no matter how hard I try. Not even little things, such as finding a part-time job or making something of value during the day. And I hate myself for this. Everyone else can do it, why can't I? P.S sorry for this huge text. I kept it on me for so long, I just needed to say it.
I did not self-harm for 2 years, but the thought is always there.
Self-Harm Recovery / by ambitiousZebra4329
Last post
 September 12th, 2019
...See more I began self-harming in my first year of college. My friends were scattered around the province, going into different universities. I felt very lonely, not being able to see my friends, and spending most of my free time commuting to college and my unpaind internship job. It was winter, and since I always wore pants and boots, I used to cut my ankles (or slightly above them) so no one would ever see the scars. I never hurt anything that was visible. I remember feeling the pain when I walked, and it made me feel more "alive" so to speak. Not to mention, I felt like I deserved to feel it. I stopped hurting myself during the summer. My friends came back to our town, and I got into a very happy relationship. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now, and he's been a big reason why I stopped hurting myself. My social life became more active so to speak, and I received great support from my partner. I didn't feel alone anymore. The thought of self-harm however, was in my mind to this day. I still have the urges to cut whenever I'm dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety. Whenever I am dealing with a lot of distress, I always catch myself thinking, "You've been there before. If things get worse, you can just cut yourself and feel good again, right?" Right. However, the fear of my partner finding out the scars on my legs/ankles is what has been preventing me from hurting myself so far. I don't know how to talk about it with him, I don't want to find out what his reaction could be. I'm sure I'm not the only one struggling with this, right? How do you even tell these things to people? I've been feeling pretty down lately. I finished my college program, and will have a few months where I will be not attending college. My partner will be spending most of his time working at his very first job and attending classes, so I'm not expecting to see him a lot. Once a week if I am lucky. And that is where I expect myself to relapse. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to sound like I'm very dependent on people around me... But the more time I spend alone the more hopeless I feel. I have no one to talk to in the evenings, I just sit in my room debating on whether I should do it or not. I know that eventually I WILL do it. I knew it long time ago. I knew it since the day I've stopped. Thank you for sticking with me. I just wanted to talk about this somewhere. I have yet to find a listener who can be understanding about it
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