I did not self-harm for 2 years, but the thought is always there.
I began self-harming in my first year of college. My friends were scattered around the province, going into different universities. I felt very lonely, not being able to see my friends, and spending most of my free time commuting to college and my unpaind internship job. It was winter, and since I always wore pants and boots, I used to cut my ankles (or slightly above them) so no one would ever see the scars. I never hurt anything that was visible. I remember feeling the pain when I walked, and it made me feel more "alive" so to speak. Not to mention, I felt like I deserved to feel it.
I stopped hurting myself during the summer. My friends came back to our town, and I got into a very happy relationship. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now, and he's been a big reason why I stopped hurting myself. My social life became more active so to speak, and I received great support from my partner. I didn't feel alone anymore.
The thought of self-harm however, was in my mind to this day. I still have the urges to cut whenever I'm dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety. Whenever I am dealing with a lot of distress, I always catch myself thinking, "You've been there before. If things get worse, you can just cut yourself and feel good again, right?" Right. However, the fear of my partner finding out the scars on my legs/ankles is what has been preventing me from hurting myself so far. I don't know how to talk about it with him, I don't want to find out what his reaction could be. I'm sure I'm not the only one struggling with this, right? How do you even tell these things to people?
I've been feeling pretty down lately. I finished my college program, and will have a few months where I will be not attending college. My partner will be spending most of his time working at his very first job and attending classes, so I'm not expecting to see him a lot. Once a week if I am lucky. And that is where I expect myself to relapse.
Don't get me wrong, I don't want to sound like I'm very dependent on people around me... But the more time I spend alone the more hopeless I feel. I have no one to talk to in the evenings, I just sit in my room debating on whether I should do it or not. I know that eventually I WILL do it. I knew it long time ago. I knew it since the day I've stopped.
Thank you for sticking with me. I just wanted to talk about this somewhere. I have yet to find a listener who can be understanding about it 
@ambitiousZebra4329
Hey Zebra, I never cut but I have hurt in other ways, much like you I do get the urge here and there although some days when I get very stressed out it gets even more…prominent I guess you can say it. Personally I think you should tell him, maybe bring it up gently like how what happened and how it led to you starting? It was how I told mine anyways and well... it turns out that he wasnt that different from me. Were a long distance relationship, two different countries, one flight away, we dont get to see each other in person at all. We cope with it by having almost daily voice chats on discord and whatnot, it definitely helps us J Its alright to feel that way, maybe you could try to join communities online/offline to meet up and talk to people? Doesnt have to be something you do for a long time, so long as it can occupy you for the time.
if you want Im always up for a chat, just make sure Im awake, I might be on a different timezone *sweatdrop*
@Isadragon9
Thank you for your reply! I had experience with long distance. Long distance friendships as well. It worked poorly for me to be honest. I used to spend a very unhealthy amount of time on the internet + video games. Which is why I guess I am like this now. Always wanting to be around people...
I guess in order to tell him I need to feel more prepared. I have so many doubts. And I don't even fully understand why I want to tell him? What am I expecting out of this? I just don't know...
And thank you, I would love to chat with you if you'd like. 
@ambitiousZebra4329
i cant say much in regards to gaming and stuff since thats what Im deep in to keep myself as interactive as possible. Probably gaming more than I should but if I can find people who relate or understand me then I cant help but keep going back. Im a single child, loneliness is too familiar, I try anything to avoid it. Silence is deafening and crushing, I try to have music playing in my earpiece as much as possible. I cant blame you for wanting to be around people, its understandable to enjoy or at least be more at ease with either the verbal or physical presence of others.
As for your bf, maybe the reason why you want to tell him is so that you wont have to keep something like this from him? You dont necessarily need to have a reason for everything, Im always telling my bf random things. Is there a reason to tell him? No, I just like telling him bout random things. There was this time when I kept telling him that I wanted a gold fish for a week straight, only to tell him that the goldfish keeps staring at me when I finally got them xD
You dont need to expect something out of something, its nice to just go with it sometimes. Of course telling him would probably get him worried about you, even if you assure him that its fine now but isnt that a sign that he cares? I dont know how he would react so Im just going off general reaction from people that are close. If he worries a little too much just let him know, Im sure he wouldnt mind. :)
Im sorry if Im rambling a lot btw 😅I do that sometimes. If you want to talk, Im on Discord, Facebook and Instagram, just lmk whichever u prefer. I think I hv telegram? Might be one of the apps I downloaded n forgot about
@Isadragon9
That sound familiar. I am a single child myself. Not to mention I'm an immigrant so I had a period in my life when I just didn't have any friends 
I'll consider your advicem than you.
Would you be okay talking on 7cups?
@Isadragon9 thank you*
sorry, didn't check my message before sending haha
@ambitiousZebra4329
Happy to help ☺️ and all good, am good with 7cups 😁
@Isadragon9
ah wait, I dont think it's possible to send messages here :(
Doesn't give me an option on the profile
@ambitiousZebra4329 @Isadragon9
Members cannot send 1:1 messages and are not allowed to share social media contacts... However, you can have your own personal chat thread in the General Support Community
Here is the link: https://www.7cups.com/forum/GeneralSupport_28/DiaryEntriesConnections_1597/
You can tag a leader (@MonBon) and ask to restrict the access to the thread. Hope this helps!
@admaiorasemper thank you.
Is that a recent update? I don't remember not being able to message members before.
@ambitiousZebra4329
I don't know honestly, I've been here for a few months only...
@ambitiousZebra4329
heya Ambi, hows things going today?
@Isadragon9
Hey Dragon! Thanks for checking-in. Today wasn't bad. My grandma is going on a long vacation, and I'm keeping her cat for about a month or two. Super happy about that!!
How about you? Also: I do have a listener account if that would be useful :o
@ambitiousZebra4329
I've been good, kinda all over the place cuz of upcoming test but that' the norm:)
i'm jelly u get the cat lmao, my parents don't like cats so i only get to interact with strays
@ambitiousZebra4329
and that works too :D
@ambitiousZebra4329
Members have never been able to message other members, unfortunately <3
@admaiorasemper @ambitiousZebra4329 @Isadragon9
Hi! Just to clarify, what we can do is remove comments from other people in the threads. I apologize if the description is misleading as there was limited space.
@MonBon
all good and sorry for the empty mention ahah
@Isadragon9
No worries ^^
