Self-hate, relapse, and depression (trigger warning)
I was expecting myself to relapse for quite some time and I was right about that. I was clean for 2 years, but I broke down last week and ended up cutting my fingers. This is probably the most harmless way I can express myself with at the moment. I used to harm myself more harshly in the past so I'm at least happy I'm not doing it on that level again.
I think about self harm every day. I just can't see any ways to cope with my depression anymore. I feel like people around me are doing so much better. At everything. They seem to be busy, yet happy with their lives. And when I realize this I feel worse and I want to cut. I've been avoiding my friend group for quite a while, just to avoid this feeling and getting triggered. I feel so behind, and I don't see things getting better. I don't see myself achieving anything meaningful in the future, all I can think about is this never-ending feeling of hopelessness.
I self harm because I deserve it, at least that is what I tell myself. "That is my punishment" Because I can never achieve anything, no matter how hard I try. Not even little things, such as finding a part-time job or making something of value during the day. And I hate myself for this. Everyone else can do it, why can't I?
P.S sorry for this huge text. I kept it on me for so long, I just needed to say it.
@ambitiousZebra4329
You did so well in writing all this out, this is something to be really proud of. There is no need to apologise for the length of your post… This space is for you and you are very welcome to write as long as you want, as often as you want.
I hear you pain very well. I understand your depression, I totally get this sense of deserving punishment, and of hopelessness. You say it is difficult if not impossible for you to achieve things, you compare yourself to other people who seem to have no problem in doing that, you ask why it is not the same for you. Depression is an illness, just as, lets give a random example, pneumonia. Would you expect someone with pneumonia to keep doing the same things as usual? To apply for a job? To go for a job interview? I really doubt so… If a dear friend of yours would tell you that he/she is depressed, you probably wouldnt expect that as well… and yet, you are being so harsh with yourself… I would encourage you to be compassionate instead, to nurture yourself as you would with someone who is unwell. This is what is happening to you, you are unwell. Depression makes you have a different perception of reality, vey black and white, well very black actually. You say ‘I can never achieve anything. Never? Read one of your first sentences… you did something amazing… being clean for 2 years… this is huge… Can you see it?
Lets try to challenge another thought together… you wrote: I cant see any ways to cope with the depression anymore. Imagine that it was me saying this… what would you suggest me to do? Can you think of anything? What are practical ways to deal with depression?
You are not alone, we are here for you.
@admaiorasemper
Thank you for your words. I have been upset last night and couldn't connect to a listener.
And you're right, I compare myself to others a lot. I guarantee most of my negative feelings come from that. I've been this way for years though, it's an old habit of mine. I guess I'm kinda obsessed with these thoughts. I have compared myself to others for all of my high school years, maybe middle school too, but can't remember. I'm not sure when or where I've picked up this habit or this mindset, but it's causing me a lot of stress in my life. It's all I think about, constantly. "Everyone's better than me, and I am worseless" - and then I get triggered and either cut myself, or cry all night trying not to cut.
@ambitiousZebra4329
Hi there, how are you doing?
I am really sorry you weren't able to connect with a listener that night... It maust have felt really frustrating... Should it happen again, you could try to join a group chat, or post here in the forum of course...
It sounds like your inner critic can be very harsh, and I know how that feels very well... I would like to share a video that my therapist suggested to me some time ago, perhaps you will also find it useful: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gGuZVuUBeiQ
@admaiorasemper
Hey! Thanks for asking. I've been okay yesterday.
Celebrated my partners birthday this Friday, but after I got home kinda felt down again.
Thank you for the video. And yeah, I had an issue on the 7cups app I guess? I didn't even get a smal questionare before requesting a listener.
@ambitiousZebra4329
Unfortunately the app has often problems... better access through a browser if you can :)
@ambitiousZebra4329 I feel where you are coming from. I self harm for hte same reasons. I also avoid my friends--I just feel like I can't relate sometimes because they are so happy and I am so not. But I think it is possible to get better. Hang in there. We are here for you. It can be really difficult to go through this alone so make sure that you lean on someone, even if it's just over the internet. You got this.
@SadieSquare99
Thank you Sadie. I'll try my best. I always felt supported on this website, especially on forum communities.