amiableRaspberries7039 Member Profile

...See more First post here. I’ll try to make this relatively cohesive but no promises. I’m a 24 yr old male and I’m only now realising that I have a much deeper issue than I once thought. I’ve been addicted to porn since I was 11, didn’t even realise there was anything wrong with in until I was 15. Since then I’ve been trying to quit. 9 years… I thought it was simply a willpower problem but I’ve realised today it’s not that simple. I feel like every year my addiction becomes worse and around the time I turned 19 it became a sex addiction which I have found to be a lot more detrimental to my life. My self image, work, my general health (nothing serious), Relationships, etc all massively negatively affected. I’m religious and I believe it’s wrong to have sex before marriage, so every time I engage in this it wrecks my soul and self image. I hate myself more every single time, and I used to always have a very positive self image, so this is honestly something quite shocking for me. I’ve never been addicted to anything else but I imagine this is what drug addiction feels like, you don’t want to do it because you know it’ll ruin your life but you can’t shake your desires. I hate it. It feels like whenever I get the urge, all logical thinking goes out the window. It controls my life, makes me do decisions I would never do otherwise, and I hate it. I want to stop. I realised recently I had a real problem when I had sex a couple days ago, felt disgusting, vowed to never do it again, truly believed myself, then did it again 4 days later. Wtf is wrong with me honestly. I’ve always been a good kid, this is so uncharacteristic for me. This isn’t who i am. I remember when i was growing up porn was so normalised, kids would talk about it all the time and we didn’t even realise there was anything wrong with it. By the time I realised it was bad I was completely addicted. I’ve tried to quit countless times, for the longest time I couldn’t even go a month without watching porn. I even purposely stayed home for uni rather than living at uni since I was worried about not being able to control my desires. Unfortunately this didn’t help. I’m not sure if this is worth mentioning but before my sex addiction began my dad died after battling cancer, I’m not sure if some sort of trauma has led me to rely on an addiction such as this because honestly this is quite out of character for me, maybe I need to delve into that in order to work out my addiction problems I really don’t know, if anyone has any thoughts on that please let me know. I’m really ashamed of myself and have nobody I can talk to about this, so I’m sorry for the huge essay but I really hope someone will respond. Beginning of Last year I shaved my head as a show of resolve to myself, planning to never watch porn again. I lasted 6 weeks before relapsing. That was one of the worst feelings ever. Since then I haven’t even gone 2 weeks without it. Anyways, today I’ve started a pivotal recovery course which cost £100 and I’m writing here to hopefully gain some support and have people hold me accountable. This is the first time I’ve considered that I might have a serious problem outside of just being weak or having not enough willpower, so I’m hoping seeking professional help will help me stop once and for all. I know I can be better than this. I don’t want to ruin my life following my sexual desires. I want to quit porn and casual sex once and for all, so please help and encourage me, I will try to be active on this daily. I can’t live like this anymore. I really hope this is the beginning of the end of my 13 year addiction.

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