I’m trying to stop once and for all.
First post here. I’ll try to make this relatively cohesive but no promises. I’m a 24 yr old male and I’m only now realising that I have a much deeper issue than I once thought. I’ve been addicted to porn since I was 11, didn’t even realise there was anything wrong with in until I was 15. Since then I’ve been trying to quit. 9 years… I thought it was simply a willpower problem but I’ve realised today it’s not that simple. I feel like every year my addiction becomes worse and around the time I turned 19 it became a sex addiction which I have found to be a lot more detrimental to my life. My self image, work, my general health (nothing serious), Relationships, etc all massively negatively affected. I’m religious and I believe it’s wrong to have sex before marriage, so every time I engage in this it wrecks my soul and self image. I hate myself more every single time, and I used to always have a very positive self image, so this is honestly something quite shocking for me. I’ve never been addicted to anything else but I imagine this is what drug addiction feels like, you don’t want to do it because you know it’ll ruin your life but you can’t shake your desires. I hate it. It feels like whenever I get the urge, all logical thinking goes out the window. It controls my life, makes me do decisions I would never do otherwise, and I hate it. I want to stop. I realised recently I had a real problem when I had sex a couple days ago, felt disgusting, vowed to never do it again, truly believed myself, then did it again 4 days later. Wtf is wrong with me honestly. I’ve always been a good kid, this is so uncharacteristic for me. This isn’t who i am. I remember when i was growing up porn was so normalised, kids would talk about it all the time and we didn’t even realise there was anything wrong with it. By the time I realised it was bad I was completely addicted.
I’ve tried to quit countless times, for the longest time I couldn’t even go a month without watching porn. I even purposely stayed home for uni rather than living at uni since I was worried about not being able to control my desires. Unfortunately this didn’t help.
I’m not sure if this is worth mentioning but before my sex addiction began my dad died after battling cancer, I’m not sure if some sort of trauma has led me to rely on an addiction such as this because honestly this is quite out of character for me, maybe I need to delve into that in order to work out my addiction problems I really don’t know, if anyone has any thoughts on that please let me know. I’m really ashamed of myself and have nobody I can talk to about this, so I’m sorry for the huge essay but I really hope someone will respond.
Beginning of Last year I shaved my head as a show of resolve to myself, planning to never watch porn again. I lasted 6 weeks before relapsing. That was one of the worst feelings ever. Since then I haven’t even gone 2 weeks without it.
Anyways, today I’ve started a pivotal recovery course which cost £100 and I’m writing here to hopefully gain some support and have people hold me accountable. This is the first time I’ve considered that I might have a serious problem outside of just being weak or having not enough willpower, so I’m hoping seeking professional help will help me stop once and for all. I know I can be better than this. I don’t want to ruin my life following my sexual desires. I want to quit porn and casual sex once and for all, so please help and encourage me, I will try to be active on this daily. I can’t live like this anymore. I really hope this is the beginning of the end of my 13 year addiction.
Hello @amiableRaspberries7039! Welcome to 7 Cups, I'm glad you have found your way here😊 It takes a huge amount of courage to open up about something so personal, especially when you’ve been carrying it alone for so long. I can hear just how heavy this has been for you, and how much shame, confusion and exhaustion has built up over the years. None of that makes you a bad person. It makes you someone who’s been struggling with something incredibly difficult without a safe place to talk about it.
You’ve been dealing with this since you were 11. That’s such a young age to be exposed to something that can shape your brain, your habits and your sense of self before you even understand what’s happening. You didn’t choose this. You didn’t wake up one day and decide to develop an addiction. You grew up in an environment where nobody around you recognised the impact the porn could have, and by the time you realised it was harming you, the pattern was already deeply rooted. That’s not weakness. That’s just how addiction works.
I can hear how much this has affected your self‑image, your relationships, your faith, and your sense of who you are. That feeling of “this isn’t me” is something so many people in recovery recognise. Addiction can make you act in ways that feel completely out of character, and it’s incredibly painful when your actions clash with your values. You’re not wrong for feeling disgusted or confused, those emotions show how deeply you care about living in alignment with the person you want to be.
You also mentioned your dad’s passing, and I just want to acknowledge how huge that is. Losing a parent, especially in such a painful way, can shake your entire foundation. Sometimes people turn to behaviours that numb, distract or soothe without even realising they’re doing it. You’re not saying this is the cause, but it makes sense that you’re wondering about it. Grief can change us in ways we don’t fully understand until years later.
What really stands out to me is how hard you’ve been trying. Nine years of attempts. Staying home for uni. Shaving your head as a symbol of resolve. Relapsing and trying again. Feeling ashamed but still wanting to do better. It sounds like you've been really determined to manage your addiction.
You’re welcome to keep posting here as often as you need. This is a non-judgemental space, and you don’t have to carry this alone anymore 💜
Emma
@emsworld thank you, your words mean a lot and motivate me to keep going🙏
Day 3, feeling relatively good apart from small urges, let’s attack the day
@amiableRaspberries7039 day 4, woke up feeling well rested, you’ve got this
@amiableRaspberries7039 day 5, little bit less sleep than usual, but still feeling good, let’s get it
@amiableRaspberries7039 forgot to post on day 6. Day 7, going to put big efforts to fix my sleep schedule over the coming days, trying to put a lot into self care so I don’t relapse emotionally, feeling good still
@amiableRaspberries7039 day 9, sleep schedule is still a bit cooked, gonna try to fix. Feeling a bit exhausted, gonna take it easy today
@amiableRaspberries7039 day 10, feel like ***. Probably the first day where I feel like I’m struggling. Gonna get through it though
@amiableRaspberries7039 day 11
@amiableRaspberries7039 day 12
@amiableRaspberries7039 day 13
@amiableRaspberries7039 day 14
@amiableRaspberries7039
There's so much on my heart to say, but to be short now, I can relate a lot what u r saying. My friend, you've got this!
@Amazinggracethatsavedawretchlikeme Thank you very much my friend :)
@amiableRasberries7039 You're not alone, I'm here for you 💜
"Bigggggg hugs* <3
