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bethgmge
214 M Embraced 2
PathStep 10 Compassion hearts27 Forum posts6 Forum upvotes13 Current upvotes13 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2024 Member sinceJune 11, 2023
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Situationship Stress
Relationship Stress / by bethgmge
Last post
 November 6th, 2023
...See more I really don't know what to do. I've been in an on and off situationship since February of this year and it's killing me. To make it clear, he is the one that wants a situationship and I have told him time and time again that it's absolutely not what I want. I get really emotional about this and we argue a lot about it. I feel really devalued simply because he doesn't want to commit to me. I asked him why, what's wrong with me? He said there is nothing wrong with me and that if we lived in the same city he would be in a relationship with me but because of distance he won't. He says he doesn't want to lose me. I know in my heart that these words are empty. I know he is simply reusing lines that every emotionally unavailable person uses but still I can't let go. Still I dumb brain hopes he will change his mind one day. We have broken up and gone no contact before. That concept is not new to us but always someone calls or messages and everything starts again. The cycle feels endless and completely hopeless. I know in my heart he will never choose me but still I continue. I don't know what to do. Since he had made it clear for months and months that a relationship was not on the cards I tried going on dates and even had a few hookups. I told him each time just to be honest because we are still seeing each other and sleeping together. He says he is okay with it for the most part, he says he doesn't like it but he acknowledges that he has no right to say anything about it because that was the choice he made. But now I realise if I try and bring something up that I'm not happy with in our situationship he brings up my hookups to basically say that I have no right to feel this way because I do blah blah. I feel so stuck. I need to talk about these issues but I know exactly what he's going to say.  An example for this is last night we were talking and he was chatting to someone else. We were talking about personal things so I asked who is so important that he can't give me his full attention. I quickly followed saything nevermind it's none of my business. He asked if I was jealous and I honestly answered yes. I'm not ashamed to admit I was jealous. Then 2 seconds later he told me he was talking to his ex. His mother is sick so he was asking her if he could give her a specific type of medicine. I was so upset because since we are only situationship it felt like a detail that he only mentioned to poke at me cruelly and get a reaction. He continued to say that he just wanted to be honest with me and that there was no reason to be jealous because she has a new boyfriend. But I questioned why he couldn't just google the question he asked her. So what did he do? He said,, B you go on *** dates and hookup with guys (for the record I went on one date and we hooked up once during the time that our situationship was off). And with that I felt like my feelings were completely devalued. I'm so stuck and I don't know how to get out.  I know the answer is clear but I don't feel strong enough. I'm so emotionally exhausted. Please help :')
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situationship
Relationship Stress / by bethgmge
Last post
 June 20th, 2023
...See more For the past 4 months I have been seeing a guy, I will call him J. We have a really great connection. I am an expat living in Korea so sometimes I feel really lonely so always having him to talk to is very comforting for me. 2 months into seeing each other I found out that he had slept with another girl. This was really difficult for me, I felt really torn. We had never had a real conversation about being exclusive and when we did sort of talk about it it was always something we were working towards rather than something that could happen right away (for additional content we live 5 hours apart in different cities. so we were always more concerned about finding time to see each other to grow our relationship naturally). When he told me what he had done I was devastated. On the same day he told me he came to me right away. We spent the whole day talking about what had happened, crying and talking again. He left that night. I felt so numb. I was so happy one day and then the next I felt so small and so ruined. I had never felt so hurt before. I had never had anything close to a relationship before, only strings of dates and one night stands. Having him in my life as one consistent thing made me feel so safe and secure. One thing about me is that I try really hard to understand people. I wanted to talk through the issue with him because I wanted to understand why. Why couldn’t he just tell me he was seeing other girls. Why couldn’t he just tell me before it happened because if he had told me beforehand. Yes, I would have been disappointed but I would have also appreciated his honesty. He told me that he didn’t tell me because he knew he would lose me. He admitted it was selfish and he said goodbye to me because he knew I deserved more. This all happened at the beginning of April. For the rest of that month we didn’t see each other and only spoke a couple of times but the conversations always ended up with us getting emotional over what happened. It was a really sad time. We saw each other again in May as I travelled to his city to visit another friend. I arrived really early in the morning and her boyfriend was staying with her. There were no taxis and no trains so I called J and he came and picked me up. When I saw him again in person it felt really nice. He drove me to my hotel and (i don’t know why but) I asked him to stay with me. He said yes and we ended up having sex. Since then we have been in contact like usual. I visited him again in his city and we both me up in Seoul a couple of weeks ago. We have had conversations about what we are and he had been really honest with me and he has told me that he isn’t ready for a relationship. I know that we probably shouldn’t enter a relationship for various reasons (trust, distance, etc) but I can’t help but feel rejected by him. I am okay with not being boyfriend and girlfriend. I just want to have him in my life. Over time I have even become okay with the idea of him seeing other people because I myself in the past couple of months have been interested in other people too. But sometimes this feeling of rejection puts a strain on our relationship because to be in this situationship with him I want to feel secure in knowing that he won’t just leave me and he will tell me when he is ready to stop. But whenever I try and have this conversation I get really emotional and he retreats because he isn’t in a place to deal with his own issues and support someone else (hence the reason why he doesn’t want a relationship). I just feel really stuck. I don’t know what is worse. Cutting him out of my life or continuing with this feeling.
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