situationship
For the past 4 months I have been seeing a guy, I will call him J. We have a really great connection. I am an expat living in Korea so sometimes I feel really lonely so always having him to talk to is very comforting for me.
2 months into seeing each other I found out that he had slept with another girl. This was really difficult for me, I felt really torn. We had never had a real conversation about being exclusive and when we did sort of talk about it it was always something we were working towards rather than something that could happen right away (for additional content we live 5 hours apart in different cities. so we were always more concerned about finding time to see each other to grow our relationship naturally). When he told me what he had done I was devastated. On the same day he told me he came to me right away. We spent the whole day talking about what had happened, crying and talking again. He left that night.
I felt so numb. I was so happy one day and then the next I felt so small and so ruined. I had never felt so hurt before. I had never had anything close to a relationship before, only strings of dates and one night stands. Having him in my life as one consistent thing made me feel so safe and secure.
One thing about me is that I try really hard to understand people. I wanted to talk through the issue with him because I wanted to understand why. Why couldn’t he just tell me he was seeing other girls. Why couldn’t he just tell me before it happened because if he had told me beforehand. Yes, I would have been disappointed but I would have also appreciated his honesty. He told me that he didn’t tell me because he knew he would lose me. He admitted it was selfish and he said goodbye to me because he knew I deserved more.
This all happened at the beginning of April. For the rest of that month we didn’t see each other and only spoke a couple of times but the conversations always ended up with us getting emotional over what happened. It was a really sad time.
We saw each other again in May as I travelled to his city to visit another friend. I arrived really early in the morning and her boyfriend was staying with her. There were no taxis and no trains so I called J and he came and picked me up. When I saw him again in person it felt really nice. He drove me to my hotel and (i don’t know why but) I asked him to stay with me. He said yes and we ended up having sex.
Since then we have been in contact like usual. I visited him again in his city and we both me up in Seoul a couple of weeks ago. We have had conversations about what we are and he had been really honest with me and he has told me that he isn’t ready for a relationship. I know that we probably shouldn’t enter a relationship for various reasons (trust, distance, etc) but I can’t help but feel rejected by him. I am okay with not being boyfriend and girlfriend. I just want to have him in my life. Over time I have even become okay with the idea of him seeing other people because I myself in the past couple of months have been interested in other people too. But sometimes this feeling of rejection puts a strain on our relationship because to be in this situationship with him I want to feel secure in knowing that he won’t just leave me and he will tell me when he is ready to stop. But whenever I try and have this conversation I get really emotional and he retreats because he isn’t in a place to deal with his own issues and support someone else (hence the reason why he doesn’t want a relationship).
I just feel really stuck. I don’t know what is worse. Cutting him out of my life or continuing with this feeling.
@bethgmge
Hi Beth, I am so sorry you have to go through this. It sounds so painful. It is evident through your words. It is obvious that you care deeply about J. It also sounds like you want to be someone important in J’s life, with clear boundaries. But also you have feelings for him.
Actually, I had a very similar situation to you a couple of years ago. I was in a very complicated and messy situationship with a man who behaved very similarly to your J. Let’s call this man “N”. We had a very strong and clear connection that held us together, but N would insist he was not ready for a relationship. Even I, at the time, who was okay with settling for a situation ship and just wanted him in my life, would get confused. Over time, it was so tiring. N would say the same phrases like “I’m not ready for a relationship”, and “You deserve better”. We would have sex and he would hit me with “I hope you can find someone else”. And yet, any hint of imagined or perceived rejection from me would send him spiraling into overthinking and pushing me away further. Just like J, he was not in a place to address his own issues, much less support someone else.
I found out that these responses in N were due to trauma from a former toxic situationship and exacerbated by further trauma from his childhood.
In this situation, I found that the best way to approach N was to gently make him open up about what made him so uncomfortable when it came to deepening things with me. Since he didn’t have the emotional space to support someone else being emotional, he would shut down when I got emotional and the conversation would get nowhere. However, if I held back my emotions and let him talk him out, I noticed that he got more and more comfortable. Piecing out, bit by bit, exactly what his issues are helped a lot. I had to help him vocalize his emotions a little bit.
Additionally, it would not be a bad idea to do some inner work and address the traumas you may have. Even if some of them may be due to this situationship with J. We stopped communication for a couple of months. During this time, I analyzed everything he had told me and gained a deeper understanding of his issues, and work on addressing my own issues. I had to be honest with myself about what I truly wanted with N. When we saw each other again, I was more open about my emotions, but not emotional. I didn’t push N either. I just held a steady pace, being sweet to him and letting things naturally progress, while not hiding how I felt about him.
And eventually… things did work out.
*******
You and J seem to have a deep connection and get along well, this is why I’m telling you all of this.
- I would recommend that you hold back being very emotional around J, but still be warm. Try to understand what motivations may be shaping his current views towards exclusivity with you. One thing I’ve noticed is that if both people are being deeply emotional at the same time, it’s hard for either one to feel comforted.
- Then work on yourself and your own traumas. Learn methods to comfort yourself.
- Decide exactly how you feel about J and what you want with him (whether this is a relationship or just an “I want you in my life, but I will acknowledge that I love you”)
- Treat him well.
And if he tells you that you deserve better, maybe tell him it’s none of his business to decide how you feel. (:
I found that leaning into it tends to work out better than avoiding it.
I hope this helps! And I wish you all the luck in the world!! Please feel free to reach out if you need any tips for methods to deal with flashbacks, how to explore past trauma, how to guide someone else through this, etc. I hope things work out for you!
Thank you for your response. I really appreciate it 🌸
@bethgmge
Of course, I'm glad I could provide a bit of support. I know how hard it is and I hope things are going alright.