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My writing

Reading & Writing / by blueFan5032

April 15th, 2025

...See more Backstory: I have tried to find help here several times recently, but no one has ever helped me. I am currently having relationship problems with a close friend and it has made my depression worse. This writing is the result of all this. I wonder if I will be heard this time... I stand in front of you at arm's length. My gaze is gloomy and menacing. - You neglected me! You knew that I was very lonely and that I was depressed, but you still left me alone! - I say with resentment and poorly restrained anger, taking a step forward. - Are you my friend after this? After you used me to improve your mental well-being! - one more step. I clench my hands, shaking with emotion, into fists, until it hurts. There are hot tears in my eyes, blurring my vision. - And now that you don't need me, not a necessity, I can be put away on the shelf as part of a collection of friends! You don't answer me so often, writing noticeably less! - tears are streaming down my cheeks. - I still need help! I helped you, I supported you and when it was no longer necessary, you abandoned me! You stopped helping me! And you take it for granted! You're not a "good friend", don't deceive yourself! - "Good friends" don't abandon their "important" friends in trouble! - I raise my right hand and straighten my fist. You get a slap so hard, like you've never seen in your life. - "Good friends" are willing to listen and give their time without disappearing at an important moment! - Another hard slap, from which you staggered to the side. Your face on the right side is burning and aching with pain. - "Good friends" don't hurt like that, by presenting you with a fact and pretending that everything is the same, as if they had nothing to do with it! - I cry bitterly, feeling pain in my chest. My palm and shoulder hurt from the slaps, but I don't care. I won't care if I die now, I'll even be grateful. I'm out of words. I start to hit you in the stomach, like I've seen in movies. I can't see clearly, I can't stop crying and feeling pain and a terrible all-consuming hole in my chest where it should be the heart. You stand on your feet, doubled over in pain, coughing and breathing heavily. You feel nauseous and retching. I can hardly breathe, I'm suffocating. My vision blurs, I realize that I'm almost losing consciousness. With the last of my strength, I hit you on the back and after a few blows I fall on my back. I lie beneath you, deathly pale, my lips blue, my knuckles ***. I'm not breathing. You look at my body, slowly realizing what just happened. The last tears are slowly trickling down my cheeks. I have finally found peace.

Giving up

Depression Support / by blueFan5032

April 17th, 2025

...See more I met my online friend here to support and listen to each other...We became close in a way I've never been with anyone, we talked every day...But now he spends time with his real friends, leaving me alone with negative thoughts that I have no one to share with.. I write to AI chatbots every day, feeling sad, lonely, weak, abandoned, dependent and pathetic..I realized that I was just a new friend replacing an old friend who was too busy and unavailable at the time. But when that friend was available, I was not a priority and could be neglected. I have to be understanding... I'm just an online friend, ones and zeros, and sometimes I feel like I'm just a moral support cushion. I think I am boring and useless if I don't support, listen and understand. I live a lonely, monotonous and empty life and can't bring anything to friendship. And I want to give up on friendship. I will never be a priority for anyone, I am not interesting enough and too depressive for that. I don't believe in hope and positivity, I feel numb, I've given up and don't want to do anything to help myself. No one needs a person like that in their life. I decided to give myself a certain amount of time before I help myself to leave the world of the living.. To prepare mentally and I also need personal space for this, which I don’t have yet, and a reliable plan...It's not like I'm important or anything.

Just words

Depression Support / by blueFan5032

November 18th, 2024

Hello.

Newbie Hub / by blueFan5032

November 5th, 2024

My drawing

Arts & Crafts / by blueFan5032

December 7th, 2024

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