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blueLychee7540
1 138 M Embraced 1
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts28 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes18 Current upvotes18 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2023 Member sinceJanuary 16, 2023
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How do I say goodbye
7 Cups Online Therapy / by blueLychee7540
Last post
 February 25th, 2023
...See more My dogs just left to be put down with my mum, i said goodbye but now its all crashing down. Ive never lost anyone close before... what do I do?
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I am ruminating on the past, debating if I should try to reconnect
7 Cups Online Therapy / by blueLychee7540
Last post
 January 17th, 2023
...See more Hi, I am unsure how to explain my situation, but I will try my best to clarify it. I am just looking for people's opinions/advise on what to do, as I know my anxiety can make my thought process unclear. For some relevant info, I am a 20yr old trans woman. I am currently transitioning so I am not out socially to everyone. So far only my gf/her family and some of my family know. I don't have many friends so I have been feeling a bit lonely, which may be relevant to the below. --- Just over one year ago I accidentally opened an old message between myself and the girl I liked when I was about 14. The messages were around 6years old and reading them made me feel embarrassed and ashamed. I know everyone makes mistakes but I couldn't help but feel awful about it. I was overthinking it for about 1week until I spoke to my current girlfriend and agreed to send her a message apologising, hopefully gaining closure. The girl I apologised to replied saying don't worry, its fine, looking back its funny... which made me feel instantly better. I stopped over thinking it and got the closure to move on. That was until a few nights ago where I had a dream with her in it. No idea why, as I haven't even saw her or her profile recently (I use new socials now because I'm trans, although my old ones are still active just rarely used) In this dream I was dancing with her, but not as the 'male' me that she knows me as. I was presenting how I want to and I remember being happy. My current girlfriend was there too, she seemed happy also, it wasn't like I wasn't with her in my dream? I was still in a happy relationship but I was dancing with the girl I used to like... I don't even like dancing lmao Since that night I have been thinking about it, ruminating about my past. Although at first my thoughts focused on her, I have been thinking constantly about highschool and the people I knew. Thinking about how they never knew and still don't know the real me? There is 3 girls in particular that my mind has been focused on, the girl I liked (A), a girl I was very close friends (B) with and a girl I became close friends with towards the end and a bit in college (C) None of these know the real me, and bar the message that I sent last year to A, I haven't spoke to A/B since highschool (5years ish). C I spoke to in college but not since then (3 years ish). I am doing ok for myself now. I have began accepting myself and working on my anxiety. I have been in therapy and have been slowly working to be in a better place. However, this recent rumination is killing me. I keep focusing on things that I missed because I wasn't out, the people I miss and its constantly on my mind. Its hard to pinpoint what. I am not sure if this is the lonely feelings causing this or a genuine interest but I have been debating contacting them. This would be as the 'male' me unless we spoke a bit and then I felt comfortable sharing who I truly am. But I don't know if it is a good idea or not? I have felt split for a while, as though I am stuck in 2 lives. Doing this could either make that transition smoother (as currently I speak to pretty much no one from my HS) or it could force me into feeling split again. I know this part gets unclear, as I am not really sure how to explain it? I hope it mostly makes sense though. I suppose I'm just looking for advise on if I should reconnect with those from my past to help relive the ruminations. If you have questions please ask, as I know having a better understanding will help to help me :)
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