I am ruminating on the past, debating if I should try to reconnect
Hi,
I am unsure how to explain my situation, but I will try my best to clarify it. I am just looking for people's opinions/advise on what to do, as I know my anxiety can make my thought process unclear.
For some relevant info, I am a 20yr old trans woman. I am currently transitioning so I am not out socially to everyone. So far only my gf/her family and some of my family know. I don't have many friends so I have been feeling a bit lonely, which may be relevant to the below.
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Just over one year ago I accidentally opened an old message between myself and the girl I liked when I was about 14. The messages were around 6years old and reading them made me feel embarrassed and ashamed. I know everyone makes mistakes but I couldn't help but feel awful about it. I was overthinking it for about 1week until I spoke to my current girlfriend and agreed to send her a message apologising, hopefully gaining closure.
The girl I apologised to replied saying don't worry, its fine, looking back its funny... which made me feel instantly better. I stopped over thinking it and got the closure to move on. That was until a few nights ago where I had a dream with her in it. No idea why, as I haven't even saw her or her profile recently (I use new socials now because I'm trans, although my old ones are still active just rarely used)
In this dream I was dancing with her, but not as the 'male' me that she knows me as. I was presenting how I want to and I remember being happy. My current girlfriend was there too, she seemed happy also, it wasn't like I wasn't with her in my dream? I was still in a happy relationship but I was dancing with the girl I used to like... I don't even like dancing lmao
Since that night I have been thinking about it, ruminating about my past. Although at first my thoughts focused on her, I have been thinking constantly about highschool and the people I knew. Thinking about how they never knew and still don't know the real me? There is 3 girls in particular that my mind has been focused on, the girl I liked (A), a girl I was very close friends (B) with and a girl I became close friends with towards the end and a bit in college (C)
None of these know the real me, and bar the message that I sent last year to A, I haven't spoke to A/B since highschool (5years ish). C I spoke to in college but not since then (3 years ish).
I am doing ok for myself now. I have began accepting myself and working on my anxiety. I have been in therapy and have been slowly working to be in a better place. However, this recent rumination is killing me. I keep focusing on things that I missed because I wasn't out, the people I miss and its constantly on my mind. Its hard to pinpoint what.
I am not sure if this is the lonely feelings causing this or a genuine interest but I have been debating contacting them. This would be as the 'male' me unless we spoke a bit and then I felt comfortable sharing who I truly am. But I don't know if it is a good idea or not?
I have felt split for a while, as though I am stuck in 2 lives. Doing this could either make that transition smoother (as currently I speak to pretty much no one from my HS) or it could force me into feeling split again. I know this part gets unclear, as I am not really sure how to explain it?
I hope it mostly makes sense though. I suppose I'm just looking for advise on if I should reconnect with those from my past to help relive the ruminations. If you have questions please ask, as I know having a better understanding will help to help me :)
@blueLychee7540 thank you for sharing your situation. What you are sharing are some complex situations that are beyond the ability of a peer supporter to advise you on. I do not know you well or your situation and I do not have the training for that.
I will tell you that I have had dreams or ruminations of what would life be life if I had connected with that person from my past. Whenever I reached out on those, the whole thing fell flat. I was not the same person I was then.
If I read what you are saying correctly, you have just gone through a big transition and are changing your identity as a person. Going back to old flames never worked for me and I did not have the gender identity changes you speak of.
To me I had to create a new sense of who I was and not try to make the past fit into it. I hope you find a way through this that avoids making life very confusing and may even compromise current relationships trying to reach out to old flames that never worked out in the past. Just my two cents.
You may find professional help more instructive. All the best to you.
@blueLychee7540 Hi! I'm a listener (but sadly I'm not in your age range) and as one I can tell you that we can't give you advice, since we aren't trained for that, but what we can do is supporting you in your path and listening to you.
First of all, I'm really proud of you for being able to say that you are trans openly (at least here), being trans can be very challenging, and that makes it hard for some people to even accept the fact that they are. I'm proud that you right now are in this transition between your old self and your new true self. Remember to take this at your own rhytm, since transitions are very personal, specially about something so intimate like is gender identity.
As someone who has experienced anxiety and loneliness, I can tell you that you are not alone. And I totally comprehend the part about you feeling split, so don't worry, you explain it pretty well!
So I can't give you advice, but I can give you some open-ended questions that help you reflect on your situation! Feel free to answer here, in your 7cups notes option, or wherever you would like! Here are the questions:
What are your expectations about this situation? (ex: what you expect to happen if you talk again to them?) How realistic they are? What is the worst expectation and what is the best? Again, how realistic they are? How do these answers make you feel? (Pay attention for your mind and body reaction)
@blueLychee7540
you do how your heart tells you