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blueSky4756
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts6 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes4 Current upvotes4 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2021 Member sinceDecember 28, 2021
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Can sexual trauma survivors have good relationships?
Trauma Support / by blueSky4756
Last post
 January 4th, 2022
...See more I am a mid 20s male from Central asia. I have generalised anxiety disorder and have not experienced physically intimate relationships. Bit of a long post. Please bear with me. Also, the deets are all over the place. So apologies again. I was sexually abused by a male cousin when I was 10. Or less, I'm not sure. I didn't know what was happening back then. It kinda felt good. Now I feel disgusted by it. I don't like anyone touching me. Especially men. All through my school and college days, I isolated myself from all sorts of affection and any romantic contact with girls. I was and am a bit chubby, so perhaps low self esteem made things bad. But tbh, I can converse pretty well and I'm damn good at public speaking. Girls would throw hints all over the place but I would end up rejecting verything and sabotaging it. Now that I think over it, I realised all the times I could've gotten laid/gotten in a nice relationship. But I fucked up. ---- TLDR so far. I'm rejecting every possible romantic opportunity ------ Thankfully my parents are extremely caring and supportive, so I turned out to be ok. Thank fucking God for this. But carnal desires were wreaking havoc on my mind. I would satisfy myself with masturbation. I do now as well. I recently read that this is common with abuse victims as they try to take control over their body. I don't know what hormonal changes occurred recently but I started getting attracted to guys too. Which I don't like at all. This also contributed to my anxiety probably. Most of my friends said that they thought I'm gay since I never had a relationship. And now this. I don't think I'll let another man touch me again. All this feels like some kind of anomaly. Maybe I'm bi. I dunno. Ofc there's nothing wrong with being gay. But it feels as if my manliness is getting threatened. Or perhaps it's not attraction. It's just low self esteem acting up again with me wanting to become like these handsome men. Sorry, I'm just thinking out loud. I have anxiety and hyperactivity, so this is how I roll :) Nowadays I'm thinking of going to a high end escort and just getting it over with. Just fuck and get my desire satisfied. But I don't wanna be traumatized again. I don't know how being unable to get a partner and fucking an escort with no emotions for the first time will effect my self-esteem. I personally would prefer to find a caring partner. I'm pretty confident that I can get a nice woman for myself. I work in a start-up, which is very isolating and lonely. I just need to be in a more social environment. But still I'm just afraid. If your are woman reading this, please answer me: If I tell you I was sexually assaulted as a kid and never had an intimate relationship until now, a kissless virgin.. do you think I'm a pity seeking person and weak/inexperienced? I get this advice all the time that virginity is no big deal. But are you freakin serious? I've directly seen how people with a happy relationship/sex life boosts their productivity and confidence. I'm an extremely romantic and caring person tho. There's this unlimited well of compassion inside me that I can give to others. But sadly I'm not sure if I'm giving it enough to myself. If I ever find a partner/friend who is abused, hopefully I'll help them. Oh I forgot to mention. I'm already under therapy and I'm able to handle myself better now. I've talked a little about half of this with my therapist. Hence this well formed rant. It feels like I'm talking to myself here lol. Take care everyone. Sorry for the confused mind dump, if it was too much.
blueSky4756 profile picture
Can sexual trauma survivors have good relationships?
Trauma Support / by blueSky4756
Last post
 January 10th, 2022
...See more I am a mid 20s male from Central asia. I have generalised anxiety disorder and have not experienced physically intimate relationships. Bit of a long post. Please bear with me. Also, the deets are all over the place. So apologies again. I was sexually abused by a male cousin when I was 10. Or less, I'm not sure. I didn't know what was happening back then. It kinda felt good. Now I feel disgusted by it. I don't like anyone touching me. Especially men. All through my school and college days, I isolated myself from all sorts of affection and any romantic contact with girls. I was and am a bit chubby, so perhaps low self esteem made things bad. But tbh, I can converse pretty well and I'm damn good at public speaking. Girls would throw hints all over the place but I would end up rejecting verything and sabotaging it. Now that I think over it, I realised all the times I could've gotten laid/gotten in a nice relationship. But I fucked up. ---- TLDR so far. I'm rejecting every possible romantic opportunity ------ Thankfully my parents are extremely caring and supportive, so I turned out to be ok. Thank fucking God for this. But carnal desires were wreaking havoc on my mind. I would satisfy myself with masturbation. I do now as well. I recently read that this is common with abuse victims as they try to take control over their body. I don't know what hormonal changes occurred recently but I started getting attracted to guys too. Which I don't like at all. This also contributed to my anxiety probably. Most of my friends said that they thought I'm gay since I never had a relationship. And now this. I don't think I'll let another man touch me again. All this feels like some kind of anomaly. Maybe I'm bi. I dunno. Ofc there's nothing wrong with being gay. But it feels as if my manliness is getting threatened. Or perhaps it's not attraction. It's just low self esteem acting up again with me wanting to become like these handsome men. Sorry, I'm just thinking out loud. I have anxiety and hyperactivity, so this is how I roll :) Nowadays I'm thinking of going to a high end escort and just getting it over with. Just fuck and get my desire satisfied. But I don't wanna be traumatized again. I don't know how being unable to get a partner and fucking an escort with no emotions for the first time will effect my self-esteem. I personally would prefer to find a caring partner. I'm pretty confident that I can get a nice woman for myself. I work in a start-up, which is very isolating and lonely. I just need to be in a more social environment. But still I'm just afraid. If your are woman reading this, please answer me: If I tell you I was sexually assaulted as a kid and never had an intimate relationship until now, a kissless virgin.. do you think I'm a pity seeking person and weak/inexperienced? I get this advice all the time that virginity is no big deal. But are you freakin serious tho. I've directly seen how people with a happy relationship/sex life boosts their productivity and confidence. I'm an extremely romantic and caring person tho. There's this unlimited well of compassion inside me that I can give to others. But sadly I'm not sure if I'm giving it enough to myself. If I ever find a partner/friend who is abused, hopefully I'll help them. Oh I forgot to mention. I'm already under therapy and I'm able to handle myself better now. I've talked a little about half of this with my therapist. Hence this well formed rant. It feels like I'm talking to myself here lol. Take care everyone. Sorry for the confused mind dump, if it was too much.
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