Can sexual trauma survivors have good relationships?
I am a mid 20s male from Central asia. I have generalised anxiety disorder and have not experienced physically intimate relationships.
Bit of a long post. Please bear with me. Also, the deets are all over the place. So apologies again.
I was sexually abused by a male cousin when I was 10. Or less, I'm not sure. I didn't know what was happening back then. It kinda felt good. Now I feel disgusted by it. I don't like anyone touching me. Especially men.
All through my school and college days, I isolated myself from all sorts of affection and any romantic contact with girls. I was and am a bit chubby, so perhaps low self esteem made things bad. But tbh, I can converse pretty well and I'm damn good at public speaking. Girls would throw hints all over the place but I would end up rejecting verything and sabotaging it. Now that I think over it, I realised all the times I could've gotten laid/gotten in a nice relationship. But I fucked up.
---- TLDR so far. I'm rejecting every possible romantic opportunity ------
Thankfully my parents are extremely caring and supportive, so I turned out to be ok. Thank fucking God for this.
But carnal desires were wreaking havoc on my mind. I would satisfy myself with masturbation. I do now as well. I recently read that this is common with abuse victims as they try to take control over their body. I don't know what hormonal changes occurred recently but I started getting attracted to guys too. Which I don't like at all. This also contributed to my anxiety probably.
Most of my friends said that they thought I'm gay since I never had a relationship. And now this. I don't think I'll let another man touch me again. All this feels like some kind of anomaly. Maybe I'm bi. I dunno.
Ofc there's nothing wrong with being gay. But it feels as if my manliness is getting threatened.
Or perhaps it's not attraction. It's just low self esteem acting up again with me wanting to become like these handsome men.
Sorry, I'm just thinking out loud. I have anxiety and hyperactivity, so this is how I roll :)
Nowadays I'm thinking of going to a high end escort and just getting it over with. Just fuck and get my desire satisfied. But I don't wanna be traumatized again. I don't know how being unable to get a partner and fucking an escort with no emotions for the first time will effect my self-esteem. I personally would prefer to find a caring partner.
I'm pretty confident that I can get a nice woman for myself. I work in a start-up, which is very isolating and lonely. I just need to be in a more social environment.
But still I'm just afraid. If your are woman reading this, please answer me:
If I tell you I was sexually assaulted as a kid and never had an intimate relationship until now, a kissless virgin.. do you think I'm a pity seeking person and weak/inexperienced?
I get this advice all the time that virginity is no big deal. But are you freakin serious? I've directly seen how people with a happy relationship/sex life boosts their productivity and confidence.
I'm an extremely romantic and caring person tho. There's this unlimited well of compassion inside me that I can give to others. But sadly I'm not sure if I'm giving it enough to myself. If I ever find a partner/friend who is abused, hopefully I'll help them.
Oh I forgot to mention. I'm already under therapy and I'm able to handle myself better now. I've talked a little about half of this with my therapist. Hence this well formed rant. It feels like I'm talking to myself here lol.
Take care everyone. Sorry for the confused mind dump, if it was too much.
@blueSky4756 I can only speak for myself but that wouldn’t make any difference to me.
@blueSky4756
Hey Sky,
Welcome first of all. I understand having anxiety and not experiencing intimate relationships. I'm sorry to hear the trauma that your cousin caused you. Since you were so young it's understandable that you didn't know what was happening then. I understand you being confused and it felt good then but now what you've learned by it you feel disgusted. I understand not wanting to be touched by anyone. I'm sorry to hear that you isolated yourself during school and college from any kind of affection or romantic relationship. I understand having low self esteem may have contributed to not talking to girls. I'm glad to hear that you converse well and are great at public speaking. I understand girls wanting to have some relationship with you, but you rejecting because of your past trauma. I understand thinking about relationships now and how you could've had one in the past but you were too scared to. You didn't mess anything up. It's normal to be unsure of how to do things. I'm glad to hear that your parents were very caring and supportive of you. I understand doing what you did to protect yourself from getting hurt again and trying to satisfy yourself. I understand you being attracted to the opposite sex and not liking it at all due to your past trauma. It's okay not to know what your sexuality is. I understand feeling threatened. I understand self esteem doing that to you. Don't be sorry for anything. I understand wanting to have a good relationship. I understand wanting to avoid being traumatized by them. I would understand that you want to be more social. I understand still being afraid/scared because of your past. To answer your question. Just because of the things that happened to you and didn't have a relationship to avoid the same thing happening again. I would say you're not a pity seeking person. You're not weak. You're strong for being able to endure what you went through. I'm proud of you that you were brave enough to share about this. I'm glad you're trying to get past your trauma and trying out to have a relationship again. I understand about people having intimate relationships that boost their confidence. I'm glad you're under therapy and were able to share about your trauma. Taking little step to get past this trauma may be hard. But eventually you'll get past it. You'll be able to trust again. I know it's hard to trust people now days with everything that is happening. Please take care of yourself and your mental health. Know that you're not alone in this. I hope this message finds you safe and healthy. ❤️
wow - i have very similar worries, thoughts and feelings about my sexuality...yet a different story. Maybe me writing my experience with what you are talking about might help in some way?
I was sexually abused starting at a very young age and over a period of over eight years. I have been with both men and women, intimately. BUT I hate being touched ( even hugs from close friends bother me ). I hate the attention of men because i feel that i have no voice and my " no" will not matter. My boundaries will not be respected. This is what I know - this has been my life. Men are terrifying to me in that way.
I have tried to overcome or control my abuse by being very involved with BDSM ( no longer am I). I was submissive - but I got to control the pain. I have been with men for money, drugs or what not. I was acting out sexually at a very young age. I am embarrassed to even write about my sexual history because there is so much shame. But it's always the same: I am TERRIFIED of sex . I freeze, feel panicky and trapped, endure it and wait until everything is over so I can escape and be safe. I wish I would have waited to have sex until after my trauma healing started and I was in a better place.
and oh sex - the masturbation is insane. I have read that and heard that too - that it is quite common with abuse in ones past. But recently, because of working through trauma stuff ( this round ...seems like i deal with trauma then years later gotta work through so much more. the never ending onion layers!) - when I try to satisfy that desire - my body literally just goes numb - so it's pointless.
I hope this helps you to know you are not alone and even though my story is different - there is so much i totally get and understand! And wanted to say thank you for this brave post! It feels so good to know i am not alone because i never had the courage to voice this to another.
@blissedNblessed. You are not alone. I experienced many years where I did whatever, whenever, wherever men wanted even If I hated it ,felt sick or felt pain. I didn’t realize until I was much older that I was allowed to say no. Thanks for sharing,this is a difficult subject to talk about.
@adventurousBranch3786
thank you for responding to my post. ugh, yes - its a Very Difficult subject to talk about for sure. So much shame surrounding all of it. It is so nice to know that no, i am Not alone with my actions. I am sorry you had to go through this as well - being with men because you do not feel there is an option to say no..and dying inside every time you were intimate.
Can I ask you something?
How did you learn...but more than learn because i can grasp this, cognitively, but not emotionally - how were you able to get to the point where you knew and Felt that you have a right to say no. And this sounds so stupid - what happened, did people actually listen to your, no? How did you get that power back?
