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Am I a bad friend?

Friendship Support / by brightPenny7945

June 6th, 2025

...See more So I had this girl bestfriend for around 9 years (me being a guy). But lately I've been feeling quite bad regarding her attitude towards me. There have been times when I have been struggling mentally, and she has shown massive support. There were also a lot of times when she will be really nice to me, being supportive and lovely, to the point that I thought she might be flirting, but that is another topic. Now this couple of days she has been acting rude towards me for no reason. And there is this cycle everytime she tells me that she wants to do something either stupid or that is just a bad idea. First she tells me that she wants to do something dumb (for example texting her toxic ex or following one of her old exes on social media) Then I would calmly tell her that it is a bad idea. She would get mad saying that I'm giving unsolicited advice and she is free do to as she wants. Then when she does it, something bad happens. And she will come up to me lamenting it saying that she should've listened to HER OTHER FRIENDS who straight up just told her the exact same things I did. And I can't even say anything about it cause she will say that I'm being mean. She also has this thing where everytime I send her a picture of me hanging out with my friends, she would immediately talk about how they're either cute or not her type, I am not jealous but I'll just jokingly say that they are my friends and to back off a little. But one time she sent me a picture with her friends and one of them was actually really attractive. So I said that she was cute. She then proceeded to talk about how she would never be with someone like me because of my genetics, the city I live, or just because of my personality, I'm not the only one who sees the difference right? One thing that I forgot to mention is that 5 years ago I moved to another country, and next week I'm coming back. What hurts me is that just now I'm noticing all of these things and I might have to take the decision of cutting off our friendship, but I feel it would be wrong after just getting to see her after a long time. She's been struggling lately with her own amount for stress caused by college and the people she surrounds with. I try to support her but everytime I do she cuts me off, I feel like I gotta land the exact timing in order to know what she is feeling and be able to give her emotional support, specially because I know what it's like to deal with that stuff alone. Am I a bad friend for wanting to cut her off from my life, knowing it might hurt her even though it hurts me more to deal with her? Because is not even the fact that she makes me feel like I'm not being heard, or the fact that she is openly mean to me. It has come to a point where she is only nice to me when she is in a good mood. Sometimes she will compliment my looks, sometimes she would talk bad about the stuff I wear or buy. There are sometimes where I would sarcastically call myself handsome and act egotistical as a joke, just for her to say I have no right feeling that way because of my looks. She used to make me feel like I was deserving of love, now she makes me feel worthless. It might be because she is now dealing with some really hard times that are affecting her emotionally, but what about my emotions? Am I a bad friend for putting myself first for once? Even though I know that maybe I should be more patient with her, although it hurts?

I am so tired

Depression Support / by brightPenny7945

May 25th, 2025

...See more Recently I've been having this weird feeling of tiredness. My head gets lose and I'm short on my breath. I have this pain in my hearth that feels almost as if it was being pushed inside and the only way to calm it is by putting my own arms around me, simulating a hug. It's been a really tough couple of weeks. Long story short my life has been totally changed due to different life circumstances. Now my family and I find ourselves in a position where we have to be sure to always make the right decisions, or else things can go bad. Both of my parents have their own views about this situation, my dad griefs our old life and is not ready to leave, but still tries knowing that if things go right we might even have a better life. My mom is desperate for leaving this situation, which sometimes makes her act stubborn and careless while making decisions. My sister thinks this change is what she needed to move forward in life. But me, I feel so tired. I've feel like I've lost everything I once dreamed off, actual friends, a feeling of independence, things that made me feel like I belonged in this world and that I had some control over ny life. Because of my parents views they go against each other sometimes, and as the older son I have to step up and keep them together. They always make it up at the end, but sometimes for them to be okay, I feel like I have to absorb their pain. They are not that old but they're getting there, so it is my responsibility to take care of them as they took care of me, but I am so tired. I have a friend who I really have a crush on, but I'm not thinking about doing anything about it due to our life's being always at long distance from each other. One day I jokingly said that one of her friends was really pretty, she responded by saying that her friend would never be with someone like me due to my genetics or the place I used to live in. And I don't know why but that destroyed something inside of me. I've told her a grasp about all my current mental struggles before and she said that it was okay for me to vent when I need to and that she will always be there for me. But now I don't really think that anymore. She always does those jokes about my physical appearance, sometimes I jokingly call myself good-looking in a sarcastic egotistical way just for her to tell me deadass that I have no right to have any ego at all. Maybe she is just kidding but it really hurts. Now these days my hearth gets heavier at night and I feel so alone. My parents have enough worries to add up a depressed son to their list, my sister can't have a depressed brother as someone to look up to. And if my friend ever finds out about how destroyed I actually feel chances are that she might just distance herself, as we both had to do in the past from a toxic friend who would use her depression as a way to get attention. I didn't had enough time to get that close to my other friends, so I'm basically all by myself. I don't even know if I'm actually depressed. Maybe is just the stress of my current situation, but what else should I do? I watched Aftersun the other day, and I am scared of how similar the main character's behavior is to mine. And I am scared to run the same fate. I know I would never do it, but the fact that the thought has already crossed my mind one too many times hurts me even more, makes me feel weak, like if I failed as a son, as a brother and as a friend. But I can't say anything about it without being worried of the people I care about becoming even more depressed knowing that sometimes at night I feel like I don't even want to be here anymore. I can't do that to them. I just want someone to look at how hurt I am and still love me and tell me that I deserved being loved. Because honestly I don't even believe that anymore. I'm sorry if I ended up ruining somebody's mood while reading this, I just needed to get this of my chest somewhere so I can atleast sleep a little.

Am I being selfish?

Depression Support / by brightPenny7945

April 15th, 2025

...See more I have always tried to be a good friend. Give advice to my friends when they are in need, either if it was relationships or stress or depression. But I've never used to speak up about what I felt. I've always felt that maybe my problems were just some childish stuff and it would be selfish from me to throw unto another person. Now my family and I find ourselves in a very difficult situation that has affected us mentally and economically. We have a very promising plan to get out of the situation and at this moment everything seems to be going well. But since this started I've felt so tired and stressed, in nights like this one I tend to cry and ask myself why am I feeling like this. I feel useless, unmotivated and weak. There has been so many changes in my life, but everytime I seemed to adapt to one I get placed in another. And I can't do this anymore. I am so tired of adapting to new situations and having to deal with all the emotional mess that leaves in me by myself. But I can't talk to anyone, because no matter how bad I'm feeling I just don't want to make it worse to somebody else. My parents have been really stressed these days and the last thing they need is a depressed son. My little sister can't have someone so miserable as an example of what her future will look like. And my long-distance best friend, who I secretly love, can't have me (the one she always goes up to get support and advise) demonstrate that I'm actually weak and I don't know what to do anymore. Everytime I feel like something she or anybody else said bothered me I have to keep it in because I feel I would be oversensitive if I showed that something so small like a joke or a comment affected me so badly. I've even reached to the point of having bad thoughts, the "what if I wasn't here" kind of thoughts. And what scares me is the feeling that it might do more harm to others that it would to myself. The thought that my only reason to keep going is because I don't want others to feel sad. And I'm scared of what's going to happen when my hearth runs out of excuses. But I really feel like I'm being selfish, even about my friend who I secretly love, it makes me doubt on myself as if I really love her or I just want her to love me because I don't love myself anymore. I just want someone to hold me like I hold others and tell me that I will be okay, but I feel like I'm selfish and a bad person for even having to ask for something like that. It's painful, but I can't let others feel that pain because of me.

Right Person Wrong Time?

Relationship Stress / by brightPenny7945

May 6th, 2025

...See more I had this girl best friend for about 9 years. We didn't use to be that close until I had to move to another country 5 years ago. We ended up holding a pretty solid long-distance friendship that made us closer every year. The thing is that I always had a crush on her, but when I was still there I never did anything about it cause one of my friends liked her first and I didn't wanted to break the bro code. Plus by the time I left she was 1 year in a relationship with another guy who then she broke up with little before that. A year passed since I left the country and I still had this typical teenager crush on her so I decided to confess even tho I was far away, she told me she wanted us to just be friends but took it really well. Another year passed and we became even closer friends, I still had that crush on her but I kept it as something secondary in my life. That was until she confessed that she developed a crush on me too but was scared that I would reject her due to our distance. I decided to still ask her out and we had a long distance relationship for about 2 months, until she broke up with me cause she didn't wanted me to hold myself from meeting people from my country who I could be with and have a proper relationship. I accepted it and we kept being friends since then. 2 more years pass by and I get into a relationship with a girl from my town, but due to her being really jealous I decided to almost-completely cut communication with my friend. At the end that same jealously my gf had got into a toxic level and we broke up. I apologized to my friend for cutting her off like that and she slowly forgave me and we became even closer. From there I felt like the feelings I had for her never left, but evolved. I feel like I truly love her as a person and she is the one I want to spend my entire life with. The thing is that now she just got off a relationship where her partner left her with doubt about her own feelings, and she says she misses him even tho a few weeks back she was talking to me about how his immature and toxic behavior cause her to feel really badly. But everytime she tells me about what she loves from him, and how she feels like he was the one. It feels like she is describing me, but it's not me. Everything she loves about him are the same things I been doing for years. But I also feel like I have no right no complain since I'm so far away. I feel like we always had really good quemistry even before that little long-distance relationship that we had. We would sometimes jokingly flirt or say things like "i love you" or "i miss you", maybe more under a platonic context but sometimes it doesn't feel that way. She talks to me every single day about everything that happens in her life and was there to support me during times where my mental health got the best of me. Due to life circumstances I will be coming back to my country just for a couple months, I haven't told her yet cause I planned to surprise her. But I feel that once I get to see her infront of me again I will never be able to move on. I'm scared of hurting her but it hurts to be an spectator of a life I could've had. I love her and I wanted to be happy even if it's not with me, but it still hurts and even more because due to our distance I will never be able to do anything about it. Sorry if this story sounds all messy, it's just something I needed to get out of my chest

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