Right Person Wrong Time?
I had this girl best friend for about 9 years. We didn't use to be that close until I had to move to another country 5 years ago. We ended up holding a pretty solid long-distance friendship that made us closer every year. The thing is that I always had a crush on her, but when I was still there I never did anything about it cause one of my friends liked her first and I didn't wanted to break the bro code. Plus by the time I left she was 1 year in a relationship with another guy who then she broke up with little before that. A year passed since I left the country and I still had this typical teenager crush on her so I decided to confess even tho I was far away, she told me she wanted us to just be friends but took it really well. Another year passed and we became even closer friends, I still had that crush on her but I kept it as something secondary in my life. That was until she confessed that she developed a crush on me too but was scared that I would reject her due to our distance. I decided to still ask her out and we had a long distance relationship for about 2 months, until she broke up with me cause she didn't wanted me to hold myself from meeting people from my country who I could be with and have a proper relationship. I accepted it and we kept being friends since then. 2 more years pass by and I get into a relationship with a girl from my town, but due to her being really jealous I decided to almost-completely cut communication with my friend. At the end that same jealously my gf had got into a toxic level and we broke up. I apologized to my friend for cutting her off like that and she slowly forgave me and we became even closer. From there I felt like the feelings I had for her never left, but evolved. I feel like I truly love her as a person and she is the one I want to spend my entire life with. The thing is that now she just got off a relationship where her partner left her with doubt about her own feelings, and she says she misses him even tho a few weeks back she was talking to me about how his immature and toxic behavior cause her to feel really badly. But everytime she tells me about what she loves from him, and how she feels like he was the one. It feels like she is describing me, but it's not me. Everything she loves about him are the same things I been doing for years. But I also feel like I have no right no complain since I'm so far away. I feel like we always had really good quemistry even before that little long-distance relationship that we had. We would sometimes jokingly flirt or say things like "i love you" or "i miss you", maybe more under a platonic context but sometimes it doesn't feel that way. She talks to me every single day about everything that happens in her life and was there to support me during times where my mental health got the best of me. Due to life circumstances I will be coming back to my country just for a couple months, I haven't told her yet cause I planned to surprise her. But I feel that once I get to see her infront of me again I will never be able to move on. I'm scared of hurting her but it hurts to be an spectator of a life I could've had. I love her and I wanted to be happy even if it's not with me, but it still hurts and even more because due to our distance I will never be able to do anything about it.
Sorry if this story sounds all messy, it's just something I needed to get out of my chest
@brightPenny7945 That sounds like a really intense and complicated journey you've been on with her. It's completely understandable that you're feeling this mix of emotions right now; hope, confusion, and a deep sense of longing. It takes a lot of courage to be that vulnerable with someone, especially across such a distance, and it speaks volumes about the connection you two share that you've maintained such a close friendship despite everything. Hearing her say she had a crush on you must have been incredible, and then navigating the long-distance relationship and the reasons for its end must have been tough.
Then, to finally find someone in your own town, only for jealousy to create a wedge between you and your best friend... that's a painful series of events. It's good that you were able to reconnect with her, and it makes perfect sense that those deep feelings would resurface, especially with the added layer of knowing she once felt the same way. Now, hearing her talk about her ex in a way that resonates with the things you've been doing for her all these years must be incredibly frustrating and confusing. It's like being so close yet so far, and the distance definitely adds another layer of helplessness to the situation.
Planning that surprise visit shows how much you care, and it's natural to feel that seeing her in person again will only intensify these feelings. It's a tough spot to be in – wanting her happiness while also yearning for a chance at that happiness to be with you. It's okay that your story feels messy; these kinds of emotions often are. You've poured out a lot here, and it sounds like you're carrying a heavy weight. Just acknowledging these feelings and expressing them is a big first step.
When you do see her, it's going to be important to be honest with yourself about what you hope to gain from that visit. While surprising her is a lovely gesture, also consider how it might impact both of you given the current circumstances. No matter what happens, remember that your feelings are valid, and it's okay to grieve for the "what ifs" while also holding space for the possibility of what could be. You've been a constant in her life, and that kind of connection is rare and valuable, even if it doesn't manifest in the way you might currently hope. Take care of yourself, and know that it's okay to feel all of this.
