I am so tired

Recently I've been having this weird feeling of tiredness. My head gets lose and I'm short on my breath. I have this pain in my hearth that feels almost as if it was being pushed inside and the only way to calm it is by putting my own arms around me, simulating a hug. It's been a really tough couple of weeks. Long story short my life has been totally changed due to different life circumstances. Now my family and I find ourselves in a position where we have to be sure to always make the right decisions, or else things can go bad. Both of my parents have their own views about this situation, my dad griefs our old life and is not ready to leave, but still tries knowing that if things go right we might even have a better life. My mom is desperate for leaving this situation, which sometimes makes her act stubborn and careless while making decisions. My sister thinks this change is what she needed to move forward in life. But me, I feel so tired. I've feel like I've lost everything I once dreamed off, actual friends, a feeling of independence, things that made me feel like I belonged in this world and that I had some control over ny life. Because of my parents views they go against each other sometimes, and as the older son I have to step up and keep them together. They always make it up at the end, but sometimes for them to be okay, I feel like I have to absorb their pain. They are not that old but they're getting there, so it is my responsibility to take care of them as they took care of me, but I am so tired. I have a friend who I really have a crush on, but I'm not thinking about doing anything about it due to our life's being always at long distance from each other. One day I jokingly said that one of her friends was really pretty, she responded by saying that her friend would never be with someone like me due to my genetics or the place I used to live in. And I don't know why but that destroyed something inside of me. I've told her a grasp about all my current mental struggles before and she said that it was okay for me to vent when I need to and that she will always be there for me. But now I don't really think that anymore. She always does those jokes about my physical appearance, sometimes I jokingly call myself good-looking in a sarcastic egotistical way just for her to tell me deadass that I have no right to have any ego at all. Maybe she is just kidding but it really hurts. Now these days my hearth gets heavier at night and I feel so alone. My parents have enough worries to add up a depressed son to their list, my sister can't have a depressed brother as someone to look up to. And if my friend ever finds out about how destroyed I actually feel chances are that she might just distance herself, as we both had to do in the past from a toxic friend who would use her depression as a way to get attention. I didn't had enough time to get that close to my other friends, so I'm basically all by myself. I don't even know if I'm actually depressed. Maybe is just the stress of my current situation, but what else should I do? I watched Aftersun the other day, and I am scared of how similar the main character's behavior is to mine. And I am scared to run the same fate. I know I would never do it, but the fact that the thought has already crossed my mind one too many times hurts me even more, makes me feel weak, like if I failed as a son, as a brother and as a friend. But I can't say anything about it without being worried of the people I care about becoming even more depressed knowing that sometimes at night I feel like I don't even want to be here anymore. I can't do that to them. I just want someone to look at how hurt I am and still love me and tell me that I deserved being loved. Because honestly I don't even believe that anymore.

I'm sorry if I ended up ruining somebody's mood while reading this, I just needed to get this of my chest somewhere so I can atleast sleep a little.