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Hi all. It's my first post, and I apologize that it's going to be very long. But to get to my feelings at the end, I think I need to provide context.
I'm 35, my now ex-partner (m/m) just turned 33. We were together for 6 years, with two breaks. We had been together nearly 3 years straight this time. No trust issues. No abuse, emotional or otherwise. No outright mean-ness or hurting of one another. Even now people are shocked we didn't make it. We were the envy of both gay and straight couples, but especially gay couples. We seemed to have really figured out this game of relationship. We both seemed to have matured during the last break, I had gotten sober, and this time it actually felt like a completely new relationship with two completely different people than before. We were the best we'd ever been... for two years... then 2017 happened.
It had been a rough year for us. His depression over personal issues bled over into our relationship and caused it to stagnate. He pulled away, which caused me to try to fight to wrangle him back in, leading to him pulling away even harder and I believe developing some resentment. Instead of coming to me, his partner, for support, he was running to the gym, making it his priority, because it's the only thing he said that made him happy. He stopped making time for me. Our sex life had never been "stellar" due to my lower libido, and that's been an issue with us for 6 years, but now it had come to the point where I was trying to initiate it and he was rejecting or reluctantly going along with it, making it noticably unsatisfying for us both. Now, we had plenty of good sweet close times during these 6 months of rough storm, including a really fantastic trip in August I thought would be our renassaince. Yet, we were arguing more. At least once every other week over something -- usually dumb stuff resolved in the same phone call, but some of it got prolonged.
He confessed in a conversation after the breakup that when I told him 6 weeks before dumping me that I wasn't happy anymore and felt unappreciated, he had given up. I understand this means he has a 6 week jump start on "getting over" me before I even knew things were over.
I also understand this definitely contributes to why he's seeming more done now than am I.
He dumped me over text message a month ago. Two weeks he stayed on my Facebook. The morning after he posted a photo making it clear he had spent the night with someone, I sent a polite text asking for the return of some of my things and that I would leave him alone after. He promised to return them that week, then he unfriended me the next morning. Never returned my things.
The following week was his birthday. I reluctantly wished him a happy birthday. This led to texts, and to us talking every day that whole week. We even made plans for the weekend, but he eventually cancelled on me saying he was sore from playing volleyball and work. He said we could reschedule for one day the following week. I said ok, but to let me know because I wasn't going to ask again.
No conversation on Christmas eve, a simple plain "Merry Christmas" at 5:45am Christmas day, I replied later that day with something slightly more verbose but not sweet or "icky." Then radio silence. Two days later he blocks me. A day or two after that I learn he completely erased every photo, post, tag, check-in... any evidence he even knew me or that I was ever a part of his life for all these years. Gone. Completely deleted. As if I had never even been there.
OK, he's shown me he doesn't want me. He's shown me he no longer wants contact with me. He's shown me he's done. There's no coming back now. We're over. And he's been downright disrespectful to me, even lying to me about not seeing anybody even though I know for a fact he is. He claims he's in therapy now for his depression and that he doesn't know if he loved me at all or if I was just comfortable.
I have struggled to decide what my real issue is right now. I think I've finally concluded it's not so much hurt from it being over, because it hadn't been good for months. Though there is that "squandered potential" feeling, and the "had he gotten help a year ago..." thing in my brain. Also, the way he's behaved and acted since the breakup, compounded with taking the relationship rose-colored glasses off and seeing some of his negative treatment I had ignored over the years, even I don't believe I'd want him back as a boyfriend now. But, I do miss my best friend. That I know very clearly. And I'm struggling to accept the fact that he's gone. This time there won't be a return in 4 or 5 months. This time there won't be a future phone call or email. He's never "erased" me before. It feels very final to me. I'm dealing with the acceptance and the emotion from that idea, but I don't think that's the emotion that's bugging me right now.
Even through all that hurt and pain, the real emotion I think I'm strugging with is jealousy. Jealous that he is already so confident in his decision. Jealous that he was able to finally do something neither of us had ever done before: delete us. Move on. Say goodbye (even though he didn't actually say it with words). That jealousy is turning to bitterness at times. Bitter that every day I wake up and I miss him. Every day I wake up and I'm sad. Every day I wake up and I'm hurting because my best friend is "dead" -- that's how it feels. He's gone and isn't coming back. And the jealousy manifests itself through the belief that he isn't having the same experience. The struggle doesn't exist for him. That he wakes up every evening (he works 3rd shift) and he's excited about the day. He wakes up and he's fine. That I suspect when he does think of me it's either nostalgia alone or that it's actually "relief" that I'm gone, this chapter in our lives is over, and that he can experience new things without the shadow of us.
I know I'm projecting onto him my presumptions of how he's handling things. However, in the struggle between my hurt heart and my "paniced" brain, these presumptions are the simplest explanation of his behavior. I assume talking to me that week was either a courtesy to me, maybe brought on by guilt of how he ended things, or maybe he genuinely wanted to speak to me but then realized continuing to do so or even seeing me would be contrary to what he really wanted -- which was to be done with us. Erasing me from his past was the last thing he needed to do to show the world and himself that we were really done this time, that he's moved on, and that's why I believe he feels relief while I sit here still broken after a month.
If you made it this far, you deserve a reward for reading all this! I'd appreciate any kind of guidance or feedback. Perhaps someone else sees it differently. Perhaps he's not fine. Or perhaps I'm exactly correct, and maybe the jealousy is normal. I guess my biggest concern is in the bitterness that seems to be building due what I perceive as jealousy. I don't want to become hardened and bitter. Thanks!
