Think I'm Jealous my ex seems "fine" while I still hurt daily.

@celticvirgo82 I wanted to reply to your post because I have been through a similar experience in the past and found what you said relatable. I too am new to the forums so I am conscious that I don't want to say the wrong thing. Firstly, I think it's amazing how insightful and honest you are about your feelings around the breakup. Going through breakups from long term relationships are so tough and really can feel like you are mourning a death. It takes time and space to process all the complicated feelings that come up. Please try and treat yourself with compassion anything you are feeling right now is ok, you have lost your best friend, the person you shared your life with and that feels painful and I'm really sorry that you are going through that.

Do you have anyone around you that you can confide in? Or just spend time with and talk to? Do you have other things in your life you can try and focus on that you enjoy? Sometimes just getting out of our heads can help lessen those overwhelming emotions.

We can only take a guess at how others are processing situations and emotions. Like you said in your post, you can only presume how he is handling things on his side. It's really difficult not to do that especially in a world where everything is so public. But things aren't always the way they appear to be especially on social media.

Please try and be gentle with yourself, we all process these things differently. All your feelings are ok and judging yourself for having those feelings adds another layer of suffering that just leaves you feeling worse. Have you tried journaling? That has helped me a lot in the past, I remember times I wrote pages and pages and felt that I'd never be able to let go of my bitterness/disappointment/anger towards situations but with time and accepting those feelings as OK they faded away naturally and I started feeling better.

@celticvirgo82

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

It had been a rough year for us. His depression over personal issues bled over into our relationship and caused it to stagnate. (This is quite common when a partner experiences depression or big stressful events) He pulled away, (This tells me he tends to shut down and isolate when certain issues come around). which caused me to try to fight to wrangle him back in, (The way he pulled away caused you to feel anxiety and abandoned, so it made you do whatever possible to pull him closer to you. There's also a chance you felt disconnected from him). leading to him pulling away even harder and I believe developing some resentment. (There's a dynamic here, you prefer more closeness while he prefers more distance, so the more you try to chase him the more he will pull away. He can only handle a certain amount of closeness, if it goes more than that range then its where he will pull back to feel comfortable and safe) Instead of coming to me, his partner, for support, he was running to the gym, making it his priority, because it's the only thing he said that made him happy. (You were definetly feeling disconnected, excluded, no longer a priority with the way he handled things, while he was pushing things under the rug by going to the gym constantly. Communication and expressing his feelings can be very overwhelming for him, so he rather trick himself that the issues are not there and dismiss his own feelings). He stopped making time for me. Our sex life had never been "stellar" due to my lower libido, and that's been an issue with us for 6 years, but now it had come to the point where I was trying to initiate it (You were trying to bond and connect with him here) and he was rejecting or reluctantly going along with it, making it noticably unsatisfying for us both. (he definetly stopped putting the effort at this time) Now, we had plenty of good sweet close times during these 6 months of rough storm, including a really fantastic trip in August I thought would be our renassaince. Yet, we were arguing more. (You were both not feeling safe in this relationship, the root of this arguments had to do with anxiety. You were both triggering each other) At least once every other week over something -- usually dumb stuff resolved in the same phone call, but some of it got prolonged. (You both had separated past issues, so you are both triggering each other issues)

He confessed in a conversation after the breakup that when I told him 6 weeks before dumping me that I wasn't happy anymore and felt unappreciated, he had given up. (he definetly stopped investing in the relationship) I understand this means he has a 6 week jump start on "getting over" me before I even knew things were over.

 I also understand this definitely contributes to why he's seeming more done now than am I. (He was not investing anymore in the relationship, so it was easier for him to leave while you were investing in the relationship so it becomes harder for you)

He dumped me over text message a month ago. (This was unfair to you, there should have been a conversation in person). Two weeks he stayed on my Facebook. The morning after he posted a photo making it clear he had spent the night with someone, I sent a polite text asking for the return of some of my things and that I would leave him alone after. (You felt the anxiety here, you felt the need to do something on order for something to happen. This was probably an excuse to talk with him). He promised to return them that week, then he unfriended me the next morning. (This was unfair to you, it shows he doesn't have emotional maturity). Never returned my things.

The following week was his birthday. I reluctantly wished him a happy birthday. (You shouldn't message someone who broke up with you over text, unfriended you, and didn't return your things. it was not a good idea to sent him a happy birthday text, your anxiety lead you to message him). This led to texts, and to us talking every day that whole week. (Where are the boundaries and consenquences after what he did to you?) We even made plans for the weekend, but he eventually cancelled on me saying he was sore from playing volleyball and work. He said we could reschedule for one day the following week. I said ok, but to let me know because I wasn't going to ask again. 

No conversation on Christmas eve, a simple plain "Merry Christmas" at 5:45am Christmas day, I replied later that day with something slightly more verbose but not sweet or "icky." Then radio silence. Two days later he blocks me. (This must had been so hurt to see, he definetly was never mature enough to be on a relationship) A day or two after that I learn he completely erased every photo, post, tag, check-in... any evidence he even knew me or that I was ever a part of his life for all these years. Gone. Completely deleted. As if I had never even been there.
 (Sorry to hear that, i could imagine what you must had gone through here...it was unfair of him to do this)

OK, he's shown me he doesn't want me. He's shown me he no longer wants contact with me. He's shown me he's done. There's no coming back now. We're over. And he's been downright disrespectful to me, even lying to me about not seeing anybody even though I know for a fact he is. (Its unfortunate he was lying to you). He claims he's in therapy now for his depression and that he doesn't know if he loved me at all or if I was just comfortable.

 (It's hurtful having to hear what he said, but i don't think he loves himself, he could be looking for someone to make him feel loved).

I have struggled to decide what my real issue is right now. I think I've finally concluded it's not so much hurt from it being over, because it hadn't been good for months. Though there is that "squandered potential" feeling, and the "had he gotten help a year ago..." thing in my brain. (Even if he had gotten helped doesn't guranteed things would have changed, a relationship is a team effort where both people are investing in one another, growing together, putting effort in learning new things, communication and much more). Also, the way he's behaved and acted since the breakup, compounded with taking the relationship rose-colored glasses off (It's very strange...but he did not show any empathy and consideration for you, it was all about him). and seeing some of his negative treatment I had ignored over the years, (This tells me you were probably afraid of being alone, afraid of losing him, afraid he might not modify his behavior if you confront him, and afraid you might not get your needs met again). even I don't believe I'd want him back as a boyfriend now. But, I do miss my best friend. That I know very clearly. And I'm struggling to accept the fact that he's gone. (This is quite normal after a breakup, you two were together for a long time so the feelings are there and it feels as if you lost a part of you). This time there won't be a return in 4 or 5 months. This time there won't be a future phone call or email. He's never "erased" me before. It feels very final to me. I'm dealing with the acceptance and the emotion from that idea, but I don't think that's the emotion that's bugging me right now.

Even through all that hurt and pain, the real emotion I think I'm strugging with is jealousy. Jealous that he is already so confident in his decision. (People like him are never really happy, they don't get attached well to others and often will struggle in relationship). Jealous that he was able to finally do something neither of us had ever done before: delete us. Move on. Say goodbye (even though he didn't actually say it with words). That jealousy is turning to bitterness at times. Bitter that every day I wake up and I miss him. (This is a built in system us human have, there's a part of the brain that will activate during a breakup where it'll be like "I need my partner, if i don't connect with my partner then ill die). Every day I wake up and I'm sad. Every day I wake up and I'm hurting because my best friend is "dead" -- that's how it feels. (Breakups are one of the most painful things us humans experience, it feels terrible) He's gone and isn't coming back. And the jealousy manifests itself through the belief that he isn't having the same experience. (You don't know that...) The struggle doesn't exist for him. That he wakes up every evening (he works 3rd shift) and he's excited about the day. He wakes up and he's fine. (You are not 100% he feels this way, you are not able to read his mind to see how he feels. It's important to not assume how he feels because it'll prolong the hurt phase). That I suspect when he does think of me it's either nostalgia alone or that it's actually "relief" that I'm gone, (You don't know that...even if you see a picture of him smiling, it doesn't gurantee he is a 100% happy). this chapter in our lives is over, and that he can experience new things without the shadow of us.

I know I'm projecting onto him my presumptions of how he's handling things. However, in the struggle between my hurt heart and my "paniced" brain, these presumptions are the simplest explanation of his behavior. (He is the kind of person who pushes things under the rug, feelings and emotions make him feel uncomfortable, dismisses his own feelings so he will do them to you, doesn't attach well to people so it becomes very easy for him to leave, plus i think you both had a lot of fault in the relationshing ending. You are also doing this in a way to control your anxiety, and trying to find some comfort). I assume talking to me that week was either a courtesy to me, maybe brought on by guilt of how he ended things, or maybe he genuinely wanted to speak to me but then realized continuing to do so or even seeing me would be contrary to what he really wanted -- which was to be done with us. (I don't think we will ever know why he did that) Erasing me from his past was the last thing he needed to do to show the world and himself that we were really done this time, that he's moved on, and that's why I believe he feels relief while I sit here still broken after a month. (The dynamic are different between the two of you, for him is easy to leave a relationship, but for you is hard because you experience intense emotional and physical pain. People who are secure takes them less time to heal because they know their needs will not stay unmet for long, people who are anxious (you) takes them longer to heal because of their attachment trauma, abandonment issues, intense emotional and physical pain, having a very hard time regulating feelings, and people who are avoidant (him) will not attach well, push things under the rug, distract themeselves heavily with other things so they just move on faster this way.)

If you made it this far, you deserve a reward for reading all this! I'd appreciate any kind of guidance or feedback. Perhaps someone else sees it differently. Perhaps he's not fine. Or perhaps I'm exactly correct, and maybe the jealousy is normal. I guess my biggest concern is in the bitterness that seems to be building due what I perceive as jealousy. (It's not jealousy, its more like feelings of sadness and hurt. It's like "How can he move on this fast? did i mean anything to him....its not fair he is doing fine while im suffering", these kind of thinking also has to do with obsessive thoughts where it's very hard to stop thinking about the breakup, how things were etc) I don't want to become hardened and bitter. Thanks!

@celticvirgo82 Live ur life happily, make urself a priority , do self analysis and am sure , the jealous will get relief if u becme happy . Don't let urself to suffer . Stay happy , everything will be fine .Take care !