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chaoticEnbyAxolotl89
1 407 M Embraced 3
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts53 Forum posts34 Forum upvotes35 Current upvotes35 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2025 Member sinceFebruary 12, 2025
Bio

Just an anxious, neurodivergent little enby teenager who's trying to figure out their place in the world, and trying not to fall into existential nihilism. :3


Recent forum posts
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Understanding Genderfluidity
LGBTQ+ / MOGII Support / by chaoticEnbyAxolotl89
Last post
 August 3rd, 2025
...See more I'm not in need of any aid or anything, I just wanted to share my experience with genderfluidity and ask if anyone else would like to share! First off, it's confusing because it's really difficult to figure out what's going on with gender in the first place. It's hard to realize you're trans if you don't see yourself as the same gender every day. One day you might wish you were a girl, but the next day you don't have a gender and don't care, so you tell yourself "I'm not trans, that was clearly a fluke. Like, I don't want to be a girl right now!" When you grow up in an extremely heteronormative family like I did, the idea of being non-binary or agender never even gets a chance to cross your mind, which makes it even more difficult. Once you've accepted that you're genderfluid (which, if you're like me, doesn't happen until after you've accepted yourself as non-binary or trans already), there's still the whole issue of trying to figure out what gender you have every day. It's not always as simple as "I'm a girl today!" or "I'm agender today" or "I'm an expansive mass of writhing tendrils from the depths of the abyss". Oftentimes, in order to figure out my gender, I have to watch my instinctive reactions to being called different pronouns. If I connect to they/them, then it's a non-binary day, which can mean a number of things, but most of them are similar enough it's not worth worrying about, if I don't connect to anything, I'm likely agender, and if I connect to she/her, then I'm either a girl or a demigirl, which can usually be figured out based on whether or not I have chest dysphoria. Anyway, as you can see, I've gotten it down to a science. But gender is far more complex than that, and my attempts to understand and organize it often don't work, with days that feel vaguely feminine, but not demigirl. Or today where I might be masculine, despite never feeling this way before and hating masculinity. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I doubt any of this would be helpful information to others, I simply wanted to share my experience in case anyone is curious. I'm fully aware gender is far more complicated than I'm showing it now, my understanding of it is limited and always shifting. In any case, I'm just curious--other genderfluid people, how do you tend to understand your gender? Do you also categorize it like me, or do you simply let it ebb and flow as is? Or something else entirely? I'd love to learn about your perspective!
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Hoping to help a niche community
LGBTQ+ / MOGII Support / by chaoticEnbyAxolotl89
Last post
 May 11th, 2025
...See more Hey, so I've been thinking about doing content creation for a while, and I think I might begin soon. I've been inspired by content creators who read memes, offer their thoughts and life experiences, etc. Idk if I'm allowed to talk about which specific people, so just to be safe I won't. Anyway, my point was, there was a time where I could not access YouTube or any other LGBTQ content because of the way my parents monitor everything. I only had Spotify. Admittedly, this was not for very long, but during that time I learned about a surprising niche of LGBTQ kids who also had strict parents, who used Spotify to help each other when they were starving for validating content. A lot of the things they would upload or watch were just other peoples' videos re-uploaded to Spotify, and because of the copyright problems they were promptly taken down. So, I thought to myself: "If I'm going to make these videos anyway, why not post to Spotify, too, and give those validation-starved kids something a little more consistent to give them hope?" And so I intend to upload my content there, too, and see how it goes. My goal is that my videos will help even just a single confused, scared kid who just needs some support and to know there's nothing wrong with them. If I helped a single person get through one more night, that would all be worth it. It might be a little while until I am able to begin creating this content. In the meantime, I want to prep channel artwork, planning, and potentially scripts. I just wonder if anyone with experience has any advice for me that could help me make better content? I want to do the absolute best I can with this content. :3
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Need to convince my mom to let me go to TDoV celebration in my county
LGBTQ+ / MOGII Support / by chaoticEnbyAxolotl89
Last post
 March 27th, 2025
...See more There's a cool activity tomorrow a couple of towns over, held at a restaurant that does technically have a bar, and the activity is held by Planned Parenthood, an organization my parents dislike. Regardless, It has nothing to do with the bar and Planned Parenthood are simply the hosts. My mom is still pretty skeptical. How can I convince her to let me go? She's a super observant Mormon, btw, but she knows it's important to me. My whole family is, actually, I left in October and I'm the only one. Also, I'm 17, the information implies it is entirely family-friendly, and it should just be some storytelling, meeting people, and watching film clips. It should be chill, safe, and affirming. But there's also not a ton of info available other than what I've already said, so my mom isn't sure what to expect and it makes her nervous. What should I do?
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Transitioning and venting
LGBTQ+ / MOGII Support / by chaoticEnbyAxolotl89
Last post
 March 18th, 2025
...See more Hey, so I just needed to vent a little bit about transitioning as a non-binary individual. I identify as non-binary, and though there are specific micro-labels for my gender, it doesn't feel worth it to explain them to people. Essentially, I am genderfluid between agender (during which all dysphoria and euphoria are essentially neutralized), androgynous (though my expression is still feminine), demifemale, and female. I would guess I'm agender probably 35% of the time, androgynous 45% of the time, demifemale 15% of the time, and female 5% of the time. In other words, I'm almost never a binary gender. Anyway, what makes me so frustrated about transitioning (aside knowing how hard it will be to actually get healthcare, transphobic politics, hateful people, family that will almost definitely deadname me, discrimination, how expensive it is, and a myriad of mental health problems) is how estrogen would actually affect me. It sounds great in almost every way except for two things--It sterilizes you, and I don't know if I want to have kids someday, and it causes breast growth. Now oddly enough I have an interesting case of very minor gynecomastia on my left breast, which is kinda neat, but 95% of the time breasts would give me dysphoria. That other 5% of the time, I would LOVE to have them, but one-twentieth of the time doesn't feel quite worth it? But there are so many benefits like less hair growth, fat redistribution, softer skin--and I would really like that! I'm aware this is never an easy decision for anyone to make, and I'm not planning on rushing into it. I almost feel like the breast thing would be worth it--since the amount of euphoria would generally outweigh the dysphoria of the breasts, and there are ways (such as binders) that can help with it. But... I just really don't know about sterilization. I really don't know if I want kids or not... I'm sorry, I'm sure this is a really common problem and I probably just need to deal with it on my own, but I just needed to vent my frustration here.
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Narrowly avoided harassment yesterday despite being closeted
LGBTQ+ / MOGII Support / by chaoticEnbyAxolotl89
Last post
 February 13th, 2025
...See more Hi. I'm a closeted 17 year old non-binary person, and yesterday I was alone walking through the quad at school when a group of guys maybe twenty feet away yelled “Hey, ‘They/Them’!” I didn’t think they were talking to me because I’m not out and I have terrible space awareness so I barely heard them. But when I didn’t respond they just said to each other “Nah, I don’t think he’s a [slur].”  So like… on the one hand my ignorance saved me, but on the other hand WHAT THE ACTUAL F*** AND HOW THE F*** DID THEY KNOW ABOUT MY IDENTITY?! The only way I can imagine is that either a) someone saw something in my notebook (which I try to keep clear of anything trans-related) or b) they just made a lucky guess. To be honest the second choice wouldn't be that crazy considering I wear a bright purple jacket all the time and act generally strange, but I'm still extremely nervous about how they would've known. I don't even know these people, so were they told by someone else? Is this a rumor that's being spread throughout the school??? Normally I wouldn't give a f*** if someone spread some rumor about me, but this time around it could legitimately put me in a dangerous situation (especially considering the US' current political situation), and I'm really nervous.  Also, this is the first time I've ever heard someone actually use a trans slur (I have always stayed away from people like that, even before figuring out my identity), and it stung way more than I would've expected it to. But mostly, I'm just really nervous. Even though California is a very liberal state, the current federal government is devolving into something really dangerous and it seems these people might be emboldened by this. Anyway, I just needed to vent this somewhere, and I just wanted to see if anyone had any advice to stay safe and avoid accidentally outing myself, assuming every transphobe on campus doesn't all know already...
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