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communicativeMap7435
2 399 M Embraced 3
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts26 Forum posts3 Forum upvotes6 Current upvotes6 Age GroupTeen Last activeJuly, 2026 Member sinceApril 9, 2026
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I genuinely don't know what's wrong with me
Depression Support / by communicativeMap7435
Last post
 August 1st
...See more I've been paranoid for a lot of years now. Expecting something is watching me or waiting for me. Everytime I go to sleep there's this uncomfortable feeling that would keep me awake at night. I don't even know if I'm depressed but I've been feeling tired 24/7 even with a good sleep, suicidal thoughts or these voices in my head telling me that I'm useless or other bad things if I fail or make a mistake, I eat less or more. Sometimes I don't even feel thirsty or hungry, I can't sleep properly without being paranoid, I lost interest on the things I love to do, I don't have the energy to do anything anymore even taking care of myself. I usually daydream 24/7 to get away from reality but there's this thing, when I start to a mental breakdown. My body would go numb and the next thing I know I was already hurting myself. It's scary because I don't even realize what I'm doing at all until the last moment or I when I start to feel pain. These happened like a year ago? Still happens now if I start having another mental breakdown, I've also been having issues remembering for a lot of years now, maybe 5 or 4? I don't even remember my middle school days or my childhood. I genuinely have struggles to survive a day and it genuinely sucks, I also feel really bad because I'm really paranoid of people thinking they hate or they are disgusted at me. It's a real struggle, I haven't talked to any professionals about this or my parents. (They'll just invalidate me.) Sorry if this was written so badly, I genuinely can't express what I feel into words. It's so complex. Well I do have a bad childhood, I only recall a few fuzzy memories but i could remember being hit if I made a simple mistake to the point where I got thrown around by my dad or getting thrown things at me by my mom, I think that's where my flinching problems originated. As well as flinching from yells or something loud. I also got bullied by my classmates and a teacher back then in middle (that's genuinely all I remember from my middle school days ngl), it made me scared to socialize and talk to adults. I can't even talk without stuttering or fidgeting. Back then I really don't understand my household. My parents would go violent then sweet in the next day, or just give me the silent treatment until I start to beg them by apologizing. They were kinda abusive until my little sister was born. They kind of turned soft? Still, there's always a time where they would go back to being violent. Still scared till this day. I couldn't really remember everything since my memory sucks so bad. I genuinely don't think I am normal, I feel so weird. Living feels like a chore.
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Kinda new here, I just want to try this app..
Depression Support / by communicativeMap7435
Last post
 May 5th
...See more Today, I just woke up and didn't have enough energy to leave my bed. An hour later I got out of my room to eat something but my mom already started yelling at me when she saw me getting out of my room. I can tell she is stressed but why does she always take it out on me? It took me an hour to finally get out of my room, my comfort zone. Only for me to just lock myself in my room snd rot in my bed as usual. I just wanna sleep all day, sleeping makes me feel safe. I just took some biscuits from the fridge before I went back to my room. I don't wanna eat whatever is in that table, it makes me nauseous I don't understand why. It's not that I hate the food, I just don't feel comfortable with it. 
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