I genuinely don't know what's wrong with me
I've been paranoid for a lot of years now. Expecting something is watching me or waiting for me. Everytime I go to sleep there's this uncomfortable feeling that would keep me awake at night. I don't even know if I'm depressed but I've been feeling tired 24/7 even with a good sleep, suicidal thoughts or these voices in my head telling me that I'm useless or other bad things if I fail or make a mistake, I eat less or more. Sometimes I don't even feel thirsty or hungry, I can't sleep properly without being paranoid, I lost interest on the things I love to do, I don't have the energy to do anything anymore even taking care of myself. I usually daydream 24/7 to get away from reality but there's this thing, when I start to a mental breakdown. My body would go numb and the next thing I know I was already hurting myself. It's scary because I don't even realize what I'm doing at all until the last moment or I when I start to feel pain. These happened like a year ago? Still happens now if I start having another mental breakdown, I've also been having issues remembering for a lot of years now, maybe 5 or 4? I don't even remember my middle school days or my childhood. I genuinely have struggles to survive a day and it genuinely sucks, I also feel really bad because I'm really paranoid of people thinking they hate or they are disgusted at me. It's a real struggle, I haven't talked to any professionals about this or my parents. (They'll just invalidate me.) Sorry if this was written so badly, I genuinely can't express what I feel into words. It's so complex.
Well I do have a bad childhood, I only recall a few fuzzy memories but i could remember being hit if I made a simple mistake to the point where I got thrown around by my dad or getting thrown things at me by my mom, I think that's where my flinching problems originated. As well as flinching from yells or something loud. I also got bullied by my classmates and a teacher back then in middle (that's genuinely all I remember from my middle school days ngl), it made me scared to socialize and talk to adults. I can't even talk without stuttering or fidgeting. Back then I really don't understand my household. My parents would go violent then sweet in the next day, or just give me the silent treatment until I start to beg them by apologizing. They were kinda abusive until my little sister was born. They kind of turned soft? Still, there's always a time where they would go back to being violent. Still scared till this day. I couldn't really remember everything since my memory sucks so bad.
I genuinely don't think I am normal, I feel so weird. Living feels like a chore.
Oh God, I suck at English T-T, there are some typos I'm so sorry. Also, if you're confused on the invalidation part, I didn't mean the professionals, I meant to say my parents. I'm just sleepy rn it's 11:00 pm, sorry for the mistakes
@communicativeMap7435
There will always be days when you question everything like you are now.. Alot of people go through this.. How we handle the situation gets us to a new chapter in life.. I hope things get better for you.. it is possible as well you may need a mentor or therapist to analyze your situation as well. Good luck on your journey of living..🌲
@communicativeMap7435
Hey sounds like you had a really difficult childhood!
Mine had similar themes but i think less heavy, my mom would verbally abuse me over small things. rarely also threaten physical. my dad was kind but i only visited him in the weekends. didnt really got bullied in school but i definitely got left out constantly due to being a mute
I just figured out if i dont speak i also cannot get hurt, but its hard making friends if you dont speak
Im now 35, my mom is not changed, but living on my own and just meeting her exclusively on birthdays really upgraded our relationship, she has limited time with me hence only focusses on catching up on my recent activities rather then trying to control my life. So i would advice that you survive a little longer until you get the chance when you get older to shove your parents to the background, cause you dont deserve to be controlled and abused by them. Altho you dont have to cut contact entirely, just lowering the amount of contact may already be enough to stop the abuse.
As for my social status, i tried to involve myself in low risk high exposure environments.
For example a job in retail, exposed me to a lot of colleagues(that change often) and a constant stream of customer interaction that require 0 social skill to engage in. this improved me from a mute to being able to do a "how are you, good you?" conversation.
Eventually i would do couchsurfing where you invite strangers that are on vacation to sleep in your house in trade for food and or company. For the first hosts i went for groups so that after my 5 minute small talk they could go off and talk amongst themself. But the exposure has let me grow slowly to engaging with the guests throughout the entire stay. And now if im locked into a 1 on 1 conversation for a long while i dont feel scared anymore, i cant always hold the conversation for long but its not awkward anymore, i have good friendships at work now and fun convos daily.
So my advice for the social part would be to find an environment thats safe.
- a place where being rude is penalised (i.e. a job cause you see them everyday so you dont want to make enemies) (or i.e. at couchsurfing cause if they are rude they cant stay at your house that night)
- a place where people are not connected to your social circle (meeting people from the other side of the world ment i could be whoever i wanted to be, cause they dont know im a mute, i could just pretend my social issues were caused by language barrier and it worked fine XD)
- a place where you can leave and start over often(you can job hop uneducated jobs to meet a lot of new sets of people) (a place to meet strangers or a place where new people come frequently) this means it doesnt matter if you fail, cause you can just reset the game and try again constantly.
keep on going man, try to force yourself exposure to social situations every now and then. and change your mindset from seeing social interactions as boss battles with high stakes of "succeed/fail" to the mindset that every interaction is +1 experience which means that your next interaction has a higher chance on succes due to better experience, so even a failure is a big win. reward yourself for engaging and failing. that is how you can grow your social skills to a comfortable level.
everytime i go into a scary social situation i.e. having to say hi when when passing a cute girl in the hallway, i tell myself "its just practise" so i can mentally prepare myself better for when one decides to actually engage talking with me, but if she does talk to me, then again "its just practise" cause i have to practise for when i will one day in my life get the chance to date one, you know talking is not THAT scary, dating is the scary part!!! but then when the date happens "its just practise" dating is not scary, the scary part is intimacy and trying to maintain a relationship!!....naaahhh thats not scary, marriage is scary!!
you see what im doing? im just changing the rules of the game everytime. whatever im doing currently is not that scary when you compare it to an even scarier situation. "its just practise" ;)
@KasperTheGhosttt
This is so important. It’s so authentic how you described taking ownership of your mindset and growth from your personal perspective. It’s really special that you cared this much to share like this. Thank you.
Thats how Im feeling to that I cannot put into words. I admire that you finally put yours into words.
I think if wr have the same feeling of having this cold on the stomach that feels getting or draining your energy