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conscientiousAvocado15
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts16 Forum posts4 Forum upvotes6 Current upvotes6 Age GroupTeen Last activeJuly, 2026 Member sinceJune 16, 2026
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My dad makes me walk on eggshells
Anxiety Support / by conscientiousAvocado15
Last post
 July 2nd
...See more I feel like I am constantly anxious and I do not think most people realize how much because I hide it extremely well. I have severe anxiety and panic attacks, but I do not express distress in obvious ways. I joke about serious things, I downplay everything, and I act loud and funny even when I am struggling, so people assume I am fine. I physically struggle to say serious vulnerable things directly because my throat locks up and I cannot get the words out. A lot of my stress comes from home. Honestly home is exhausting for me because I feel criticized constantly. I get criticized for what I eat, for being picky, for whether I did chores correctly, for my tone if I accidentally sound like I have attitude, and for small mistakes that feel like normal human mistakes but somehow become bigger issues. For example my dad once got mad at me for putting peanut butter in a smoothie because he said it was unhealthy. If I bump into something I get told I need to be more spatially aware. It feels like small mistakes are constantly noticed and corrected and over time I think I have learned to monitor myself constantly because I feel like I am always doing something wrong. The hardest part is my dad specifically. I feel like I walk on eggshells around him. He is either extremely hyper and obnoxious or angry and passive aggressive. When he is angry he snaps easily.  Sometimes I argue because I have a very hard time staying quiet when something feels unfair and I naturally push back against things I think are wrong. But with him specifically there is a point where I stop arguing because I know he will keep snapping and there is no point continuing. I can argue with my mom or my brother but with him I eventually give up because I know how quickly things escalate. What makes it harder is I know my mom notices all of this too, but nothing really changes. Because of all this I feel like I have learned to monitor myself constantly and now I cannot stop doing it even when I want to. I feel like I am always scanning myself for mistakes. I watch my tone, I think about how I am acting, I worry I am doing something wrong, and I feel like I am always being evaluated. Even when I am home alone I cannot relax. I still feel anxious and uncomfortable even when nobody is around. I still feel like I am doing something wrong somehow and I feel guilty even if there is nobody there watching me. Summer is hard for me because I spend more time at home and I notice I feel worse emotionally. During the school year I am distracted all day and I do not have time to think as much, but during summer I am stuck in the home environment more and I feel much sadder. I realized I do not actually feel better during the school year, I am just distracted enough that I cannot hear all of the stress as loudly. I think I have spent so long adapting to criticism and trying not to make mistakes that I genuinely do not know how to relax anymore. I feel constantly on edge and I have for a long time. I do not think people around me realize how exhausting it is to feel like your brain is always monitoring everything you do. I feel tired all the time mentally because I feel like I am never fully safe enough to let my guard down. I do not want to grow up feeling like this forever. I do not want to spend my whole life constantly monitoring myself, but right now I do not know how to stop because it feels automatic.
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My friends suck and im sad
Friendship Support / by conscientiousAvocado15
Last post
 July 1st
...See more I feel like I put way more effort into friendships than I get back and it has been bothering me for a long time. I care deeply about people and I put a lot of effort into remembering birthdays, checking on people, texting first, making people laugh, and even making gifts for people because I genuinely enjoy doing things for people I care about. But I keep feeling like I give so much more than other people give me and I am tired of always feeling like the person holding friendships together. One thing that really hurt me happened this year. I met a girl named Henley and she was my friend, but then she became friends with Jaelyn and Fiona and slowly stopped hanging out with me. Eventually they became a trio and I was left alone again. This has happened to me before and I think that is part of why it hit me so hard because it felt like history repeating itself. After that I started testing my friend group because I genuinely wanted to know if anyone noticed me or cared when I stopped putting in effort. I am usually loud, talkative, funny, and the person bringing energy to the group, so I intentionally stopped doing that. I would walk behind the group instead of with them. I stopped talking. I sat by myself. I made it obvious multiple times and every single time nobody said anything. Nobody asked if I was okay. Nobody noticed I had basically disappeared socially. The only person who ever noticed was one guy in the friend group I barely even talk to and honestly he can kind of be a jerk sometimes, but somehow he was the only one who would say hi or notice when something seemed off. Sometimes when I was nervous he would hand me a squishy and make me laugh. I usually brushed him off because I have a hard time responding when people notice I am struggling, but those small things meant a lot to me because I am not used to people actually noticing. I realized I feel like friendship glue. I am always the one initiating conversations, keeping relationships going, remembering important things, and putting effort into making people feel cared about. At one point I stopped texting people because someone told me I should stop always being the one reaching out, and then I found out nobody texted me either. It made me feel like maybe I am the only reason some of my friendships exist at all. I think what I want most is one close friendship where I can stop performing all the time. I want someone who really knows me and who I do not have to constantly entertain or work to keep around. I keep wishing I could start over with someone new who does not already know me so I could build a friendship where I finally feel chosen instead of replaceable. A huge problem for me socially is that I notice everything. I notice tiny shifts in energy immediately and I start assuming people secretly do not want me around. I replay conversations over and over and wonder if I did something wrong. I constantly feel like I am the person standing there with my arms open trying to connect while everyone else has their hands in their pockets. School is strange for me because even though school itself can be hard academically, it feels easier than being at home. I have mostly As and Bs, but school feels like relief because I know exactly how to act there. I automatically put on a social mask where I am loud, funny, chaotic, casual, and entertaining. It comes naturally and honestly I enjoy being that version of myself. It is fun and when I am acting like that I do not hurt as much. I do not feel anxious in the same way because I am distracted and I know exactly how to function in that environment. The problem is I feel like I have spent so long adapting socially and performing for other people that sometimes I wonder if people even know the real me. Sometimes I wonder if I even know the real me.
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