My dad makes me walk on eggshells

I feel like I am constantly anxious and I do not think most people realize how much because I hide it extremely well. I have severe anxiety and panic attacks, but I do not express distress in obvious ways. I joke about serious things, I downplay everything, and I act loud and funny even when I am struggling, so people assume I am fine. I physically struggle to say serious vulnerable things directly because my throat locks up and I cannot get the words out.

A lot of my stress comes from home. Honestly home is exhausting for me because I feel criticized constantly. I get criticized for what I eat, for being picky, for whether I did chores correctly, for my tone if I accidentally sound like I have attitude, and for small mistakes that feel like normal human mistakes but somehow become bigger issues.

For example my dad once got mad at me for putting peanut butter in a smoothie because he said it was unhealthy. If I bump into something I get told I need to be more spatially aware. It feels like small mistakes are constantly noticed and corrected and over time I think I have learned to monitor myself constantly because I feel like I am always doing something wrong.

The hardest part is my dad specifically. I feel like I walk on eggshells around him. He is either extremely hyper and obnoxious or angry and passive aggressive. When he is angry he snaps easily.  Sometimes I argue because I have a very hard time staying quiet when something feels unfair and I naturally push back against things I think are wrong. But with him specifically there is a point where I stop arguing because I know he will keep snapping and there is no point continuing. I can argue with my mom or my brother but with him I eventually give up because I know how quickly things escalate.

What makes it harder is I know my mom notices all of this too, but nothing really changes.

Because of all this I feel like I have learned to monitor myself constantly and now I cannot stop doing it even when I want to. I feel like I am always scanning myself for mistakes. I watch my tone, I think about how I am acting, I worry I am doing something wrong, and I feel like I am always being evaluated.

Even when I am home alone I cannot relax. I still feel anxious and uncomfortable even when nobody is around. I still feel like I am doing something wrong somehow and I feel guilty even if there is nobody there watching me.

Summer is hard for me because I spend more time at home and I notice I feel worse emotionally. During the school year I am distracted all day and I do not have time to think as much, but during summer I am stuck in the home environment more and I feel much sadder. I realized I do not actually feel better during the school year, I am just distracted enough that I cannot hear all of the stress as loudly.

I think I have spent so long adapting to criticism and trying not to make mistakes that I genuinely do not know how to relax anymore. I feel constantly on edge and I have for a long time.

I do not think people around me realize how exhausting it is to feel like your brain is always monitoring everything you do. I feel tired all the time mentally because I feel like I am never fully safe enough to let my guard down.

I do not want to grow up feeling like this forever. I do not want to spend my whole life constantly monitoring myself, but right now I do not know how to stop because it feels automatic.