My friends suck and im sad

I feel like I put way more effort into friendships than I get back and it has been bothering me for a long time. I care deeply about people and I put a lot of effort into remembering birthdays, checking on people, texting first, making people laugh, and even making gifts for people because I genuinely enjoy doing things for people I care about. But I keep feeling like I give so much more than other people give me and I am tired of always feeling like the person holding friendships together.

One thing that really hurt me happened this year. I met a girl named Henley and she was my friend, but then she became friends with Jaelyn and Fiona and slowly stopped hanging out with me. Eventually they became a trio and I was left alone again. This has happened to me before and I think that is part of why it hit me so hard because it felt like history repeating itself.

After that I started testing my friend group because I genuinely wanted to know if anyone noticed me or cared when I stopped putting in effort. I am usually loud, talkative, funny, and the person bringing energy to the group, so I intentionally stopped doing that. I would walk behind the group instead of with them. I stopped talking. I sat by myself. I made it obvious multiple times and every single time nobody said anything. Nobody asked if I was okay. Nobody noticed I had basically disappeared socially.

The only person who ever noticed was one guy in the friend group I barely even talk to and honestly he can kind of be a jerk sometimes, but somehow he was the only one who would say hi or notice when something seemed off. Sometimes when I was nervous he would hand me a squishy and make me laugh. I usually brushed him off because I have a hard time responding when people notice I am struggling, but those small things meant a lot to me because I am not used to people actually noticing.

I realized I feel like friendship glue. I am always the one initiating conversations, keeping relationships going, remembering important things, and putting effort into making people feel cared about. At one point I stopped texting people because someone told me I should stop always being the one reaching out, and then I found out nobody texted me either. It made me feel like maybe I am the only reason some of my friendships exist at all.

I think what I want most is one close friendship where I can stop performing all the time. I want someone who really knows me and who I do not have to constantly entertain or work to keep around. I keep wishing I could start over with someone new who does not already know me so I could build a friendship where I finally feel chosen instead of replaceable.

A huge problem for me socially is that I notice everything. I notice tiny shifts in energy immediately and I start assuming people secretly do not want me around. I replay conversations over and over and wonder if I did something wrong. I constantly feel like I am the person standing there with my arms open trying to connect while everyone else has their hands in their pockets.

School is strange for me because even though school itself can be hard academically, it feels easier than being at home. I have mostly As and Bs, but school feels like relief because I know exactly how to act there. I automatically put on a social mask where I am loud, funny, chaotic, casual, and entertaining. It comes naturally and honestly I enjoy being that version of myself. It is fun and when I am acting like that I do not hurt as much. I do not feel anxious in the same way because I am distracted and I know exactly how to function in that environment.

The problem is I feel like I have spent so long adapting socially and performing for other people that sometimes I wonder if people even know the real me. Sometimes I wonder if I even know the real me.